Pregnant and hurt, found out so many things. Were to go from here

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2013
Pregnant and hurt, found out so many things. Were to go from here
4
Mon, 10-28-2013 - 7:49pm

 

 I Met my Husband 11 years ago and we were friends, I wanst interested in anything more at that time. Three years later we reconnected and became a couple. I have never been so much in love as I was with this man, he was the answer to everything I always wanted. We have 3 kids and 1 more on the way (in 3 1/2 months). He was away on Business last week and I found some links in his email which I decided to just check. It turns out he has been searching for and sending himself information from Craigslist on local prostitutes for the last year and a half. I confronted him and he first denied ever doing anything but looking. I kicked him out immediately. He finaly said he had been wanting to come clean for some time and it had been eating at him. Last year a week before my Birthday he went away for a Business trip, on his way home (about 3 hours away) he stopped and was aproached bu a PRO, he gave went to her hotel and she perfomed Oral. After which he left, came home to me, and made love. I have been distrought with greif, crying all the time, angry, depressed, confused, everything all rolled into one huge storm. I have lost 15 lbs in the last week Its hard to keep food down. I have regular appointmebts with my OB to monitor the baby as well as a therapist to try and help me cope. I dont know what to do, I loved this man with all of my heart & thought we would grow old together. Its been 12 days since I found out so its still relatively fresh. He has also lost weight, isnt eating, breaks down at work 24/7 in fact they hae sent him away several times. On the rare occasion we see each other or talk I scream, say hateful things, ask endless questions and he is patient, doesnt resist, takes it all, and apolagizes constantly. He has made many grand gestures, too many to count. I have literally walked on roses since the seperation.

 This is a Place I never thought we would be. He is also seeing a therapist and is going above and beyond to check in so I always know wher ehe is to give me piece of mind and help ease the stress as much as ossible with the pregnancy. I dont know If I will ever be able to trust him again, I dont feel at this time that I would ever forgive him for the afair. My life is in a tailspin and I have three little ones depending on me so I have to greive through it. As of now I can not even begin to think about taking him back. Hoping to find someone to relate.

 

Please ignore any typos I am multi tasking with kids, trying to hold it together, and broken

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

This must be a horrible time for you--you should be exicted about the baby and instead you are having marriage problems.  I was cheated on by my ex.  I was shocked when I found out.  I didn't think he was that kind of guy.  Plus in those days, there were no cell phones or computers so there was no way to check up on him.  We were having problems and I asked him if there was someone else and he said he had cheated but stopped because he felt too guilty about it.  I really do believe him because it was out of character.  It really threw me for a loop and we had problems for a while but he was the one who wanted a divorce--I didn't.  I decided to stay with him (but then unfortunately years later we did get divorced but it had nothing to do with the cheating--again, it was his choice.)  Right now you are in shock since you just found out.  I can't tell you what to do but do you really believe this was a one time thing & he is sorry?  I think there is a difference between this and an ongoing affair which also may involve feelings.  I think that would be harder to get over.  I think it's good that you are both in therapy.  Hopefully you can get to the bottom of why he has this interest in prostitutes and the counselors can help you come to a decision that will be right for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2013

 Its so embarassing even having to tell people but I am at a total loss. I know its not because something was lacking I was there in evey way and we were very active. He said it meant nothing it was just a split second decission. I guess I will have to give it time to sink in and decided where to go from here. THe pregnancy emotins are overwhelming anyway add the stress of a toddler and two older boys while trying to process everything its a nightmare. One I cant wake up from infact. Thank you for your story.

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008

I'm so sorry!

The book that helped me get through my nightmare was called, "Getting Past the Affair." One of the authors said that all of the contributors to the book had clients who cheated on their spouse the day their first child was born. Ugh!

The main thing right now is to take care of yourself. You get our permission to be selfish and think only of taking care of your health and your baby right now. This is your rainy day. Spend your savings on a shrink and your healing. 

Sending good vibes.  

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

Some husbands cheat!  There's no way to know which ones will, and which ones won't.  My ex cheated on me probably from the first year we were married.  I didn't realize it at the time......because I couldn't even imagine that he would do something like that.  My ob/gyn treated me several times for infections, but NEVER mentioned that they were "vd's" (thats what they were called in the olden days....Venerial Disease, not STD's)  About the only thing I never had was "clap" or "crabs".  I finally figured it out when I gave birth to my second child.  In those days, when a pregnant woman went to the Dr. for the first time, they took a blood test.  This was before home pregnancy tests, too.  Then when the baby was born, they tested the umbilical cord blood.  I don't know why they stopped doing these tests!  My OB came to my room and asked how to get in touch w/my husband, and he looked upset.  For some reason I thought there was something wrong with the baby.  I had been "clean" when the first blood test was done! Then he came back to me later  and told me that my baby and I had syphillis!!!!  Thank GOD, he didn't suffer any ill effects, but that could have made him blind, retarded, or killed him!  I was only married 3 years at the time!  I had to stay in the hospital 10 days for treatment, one shot a day, and my baby had to get his one shot a day (in the juglar vein).  My husband had to go to a doctor every day for 10 days for his shot.  Of course, I confronted him, and would you believe he said I must have picked it up in a dirty bathroom.....we went to drive in movies a lot while I was pregnant and had a 2 year old.  And their bathrooms weren't very clean.  I really didn't believe him........but I stupidly let it go.  It got worse, MUCH worse, and he continued to deny.  Even when one of his women called me and told me, thinking I would throw him out and she could have him......HA........how I wish I'd done that!  They deserved each other, but I was from the old school........no divorce, time, patience, he would grow up........NOT.  I finally did divorce him after amost 20 years, and never shed a tear, believe me.  But I have to tell you one thing.  You say you can't trust him?  Of course not.  BUT, you also say you can't forgive him.  Not that he deserves it, but if you don't want to end the marriage right now, then you will have to forgive him......NOT forget, but forgive.  Anger and hate will only hurt YOU.......not him.  For your own sanity, you have to get over it.  If it doesn't stop, then you can get a divorce.  Please do not stay together for the "sake of the children" either.  They will be much better off in a home with a happy mother than in a home where Mom and Dad are constantly at war.  Don't kid yourself, even babies can sense strife!  Get yourself together, make plans for getting out if and when you decide to, and try to calm yourself down for the sake of the baby that you're carrying.

One of the reasons I waited so long is that I wanted to be able to go to work without the expense of child care, and I knew in the beginning I wouldn't be able to make much money because I'd been out of the workplace for years.  It all worked out.....I was happy, he fought the divorce (believe it or not, cheaters don't usually want a divorce, they like it both ways!) and when I refused to back down, he went and married his current g/f before our divorce was even final!  DUH!  That marriage lasted 10 years....she got a taste of her own medicine, too.  Then he drank himself to death.  I'm alive, living a happy life......and he's out of his misery!!  PS:  People told me I should go after him as a bigamist, his marriage wasn't valid.  I said that's ok, they deserve each other!!!  And they did.