QOTW- Have you contacted the Other?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
QOTW- Have you contacted the Other?
Tue, 04-20-2010 - 4:50pm

Have you contacted the Other Person of the A?

If you had or have the choice of contacting that person
Would you?

What would you say?

Would you ask for details?

Lastly Do you think its a good idea to talk to the Other person?


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2010
Tue, 04-20-2010 - 5:46pm
Once when the harrassement got to the point where 'it' was sending love letters, phone numbers etc to our home with 'its' and my Hs name on the return address (scarey!) my children bring in the mail (they used to) told 'it' to stop, 'it' was very hurtful and nasty in 'its' sugarist sweetest voice, saying I don't want to hurt you but... then telling me everything 'it' could that was horrible awful etc. But 'its' other MM AP called me 3 times too and filled me in on lots of details - apparently he wasn't getting enough attention and my H didn't know about him, while he knew about my H - anyway, long story short, I never got another letter but it stepped up more and more stuff - the MC said leave it alone and don't answer anything and it should get the message in about 6 months or so from last contact..... we're almost at that now from last 'chat' I haven't answered anything, nor do I even make like I see 'it' sitting across the street when 'it' parks there watching the house......
So I guess it depends on the OW and how crazy they are as to if it's a good idea...
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Tue, 04-20-2010 - 6:37pm
I did, by e-mail - by phone I would have burst into tears and I wouldn't do that to myself!


Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Tue, 04-20-2010 - 7:38pm

My spouse had four affairs. Three PAs and one EA. I stood right in front of two of them. The other two I contacted by phone. On of the two I spoke with on the phone, I also briefly spoke with his wife. The last one I spoke with three times. I did not threaten any of them. It was very important to me that they all knew that I was now aware of what had gone down and that I expected them to not contact my spouse ever again. I wish now that I had asked all of them for an accounting of their behavior. The ones that I did, later went better even if I didn't get it right then. I think that question eventually got inside their heads and helped them change their behaviors. The one man whom I did not ask this question to went on to do other bad behaviors.

This was really risky on my part. But in my case, I had to stand up for myself. It also had an affect on my spouse that I might not be able to put my finger on. Maybe it gave her the backbone to keep away from them? I don't know.

On the other hand, contacting them could have been a disaster. It is not for the faint of heart.


If one just has to contact the other person. My best advice is to:

Before the other person gets a chance to speak. State who you are, who your spouse is, and state that you would like to have a short and respectful conversation.

State that you are aware of ... (sex, kissing, emails, the affair)

State whom your spouse said was the initiator. (Ignore the reply, it either lets the other person know you are up to speed, or makes creates long term chaos in their head if it isn't true. Any reply will be defensive and poorly thought through. And very likely a lie.)

Ask, "Are you going to pursue my spouse anymore?" If they say yes, end the conversation and pick it up with your spouse. If they say no, say "thank you. That will go a long way in our rebuilding"

State that you would like a full accounting of their behavior with your spouse. (Know in advance that you are not going to get anything back of any substance. And if you do, it's going to be a lie, but this really gets into their head and in the end could actually be a good thing for them.) Listen, don't believe anything they say, don't react, especially if you get new information. Play this one cool.

Tell them you expect them to let their own spouses know shortly and drop it at that. If they ask "or what?" Simply state that in your own experience, it did (or would have) been better coming from the wandering spouse rather than from an outside source. (try and say this in a conspiratorial way with them, like your giving them advice and not as a threat.)

At some point, just stop talking. Let them fill the silence. Don't say, "What do you have to say for yourself." Your the one who has it all together, don't reduce yourself into pathetic hysterics. You are the one who is a good person. Keep it that way.

End it with, "Thanks for talking respectfully with me, I'll be talking to my spouse about this conversation. Have a good life, Goodbye." Then hang up.

In the end, I think that the "no contact" rule is a better plan, especially if it's combined with the eventual indifference for the AP. The fact that I got healthy, lost some weight, put on some muscles and changed my own behavior in my marriage, made a much bigger impact on my life than contacting those idiots.

But one never knows unless they go.


I have 5 kids ages 16-10. Our D Day was August, 2008.


We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Wed, 04-21-2010 - 8:29am

I never contacted the OW. I didn't/don't think she was worth my breath. I did briefly think I should have sent her a thank-you note when my divorce was final but by then my exh was on to girlfriend #3! Now years later all I have is pity for her. It's sad that she thinks so little of herself that she needs to attach herself to another woman's husband!


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2009
Wed, 04-21-2010 - 9:35am

My H had two emotional affairs.... I dont even know how deep it went cause he erased everything...I just saw the amount of time he was texting the two women involved..

I never contacted either one...I

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Wed, 04-21-2010 - 9:43am
...no...she had nothing that I needed...she owed me nothing...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Wed, 04-21-2010 - 11:09am
thanks for the suggestions.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2006
Sat, 04-24-2010 - 12:07am
My H got the OW pregnant and well now we are stuck with her for at least 17 more years.


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2007
Sat, 04-24-2010 - 9:52am
No, I never have and never will contact the OW. I have absolutely no interest in her. If we met by accident I would not mention the A, and would not ask questions about it. Personally, I do not think it is a good idea to talk with the OW. I don't think she is important enough to deserve my attention. Talking with her would not be beneficial to my mental and emotional health.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Sat, 04-24-2010 - 10:58am
...I agree...and, if she turns out to be an idiot skank...I would have had to lower my opinion of my husband even lower...I mean...not only did he have sex with her...but, he had sex with an idiot skank...that would suck...to think that he would have been such an idiot skank...