question

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2013
question
6
Tue, 06-24-2014 - 12:33am

My boyfriend proposed to me.  I presumed at the time he was having a sexting/phone cheating relationship with a woman who lived in the next state.  I found the proof I needed, but let it go because I knew at some point I would catch him.  He knew that I suspected but kept "reassuring" me that he wasn't.  So he lied.  Then he was in ICU in the hospital.  I had his cell phone to let his family who lives in another state know how he was doing.  I was getting ready to make a call, and a text popped up from this woman.  I let it go for a few minutes, and I called her to ask "who is this?"  That is all I said, and he never heard from her again.  He knew that I called her, and I told him  to me that sexting and talking on the phone was cheating.  He told me that it would never happen again, and left his phone out where I could see it.  I checked it for a while, and there was nothing out of the ordinary on it.  Then a few weeks ago, he had some problems with his family and got drunk.  I went to bed and was woken up a little later to him talking on the phone.  I let him finish his phone conversation, but I heard every bit of it.  He was talking to an exgirlfriend about having sex with her and how much he loves her.  He saw me standing in the bedroom door, and got very upset.  I don't argue with someone who is drunk, because you don't get anywhere.  He tried to start a fight, but it didn't work.  I told him I was hurt and I didn't like what was going on.  As far as that night goes, I don't believe he talked to her again until tonight.  Then tonight when he went to bed, his phone was not out.  I found his phone, and it was turned off.  I turned it on, and a text message from the exgirlfriend shows up with her saying something that should only be said between me and him.  To me sexting is cheating.  Am i wrong in feeling that way?  I enjoy sex, and he can have it anytime he wants.  He tells me he enjoys our sex life.  I believe we have a good relationship, and he keeps telling me that he loves our life.  We just moved from a small mobile home to a larger nicer apartment.  This woman lives in a big city where he told me a long time ago he doesn't ever want to go back to.  He likes the smaller town life.  We went to a family get together over the weekend, and he told me that his family told him that he has a "good woman" in his life.  But I don't want to play jsecond choice to anyone exgirlfriend or some other woman.  How do I tell him that this has to stop or we are done?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
In reply to: caroljea52
Tue, 06-24-2014 - 10:29am

You tell him to stop it or you're done!  There is no other way.  The problem is that you've told him to stop it before, and he does for a short time then starts again.  He's telling you that his family says he's got a good woman......but HE doesn't say that or see that.  This is a man who is a liar, who gets drunk when there's a problem, and he's sexting with other women.  He's proposed to you, and you'd think he'd be on his best behavior for at least a little while......but he's doing what he will always do.......cheating on you emotioally and probably physically, too.  Do you want to spend the rest of your life "checking" his phone?  You will if you marry him.  Time to move on, without him.  Leopards don't change their spots......and cheaters don't stop cheating.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
In reply to: caroljea52
Tue, 06-24-2014 - 11:14am

Past behavior predicts future behavior. Present behavior also predicts future behavior. Therefore, he will continue to speak sexually to other women besides you. These are his ethics. He has the right to be a cheating low life of a man, and you have the right to say that you deserve better in life and it's time to take the garbage to the sidewalk. A self respecting intelligent woman doesn't give a man second chances for something as egregious as telling another woman that he loves her. Staying with the loser after every infraction tells him that you're tolerating the behavior.

Choosing a lifetime partner is one of the most important decisions you'll ever make in your life. Be smart about it. Know your dealbreakers, and break it off immediately when a man possesses one. This will free you up to be single when a man deserving of wonderful you comes along. Work on your self esteem by getting counseling or reading self help books so that you never accept someone  so uncaring and totally self serving, ever again. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to: caroljea52
Tue, 06-24-2014 - 11:58am

If I had heard a guy telling another woman on the phone that he loved her and wanted to have sex with her--while I was living with him--that would have been the end for me.  I would not give a guy like that another chance.  and this was already his second chance because you caught him while he was in the hospital.  I agree that this is a guy who has no ethics or morals and since you have already caught him THREE times--think about how many times he was doing things where you didn't catch him!  Since you keep staying, he'll keep doing it.  I distinguish this from someone who does cheat but is very sorry and ashamed about it--not just sorry that he got caught.  i think that type of person might have made one mistake and it's out of character, but your BF is showing you that his character is that he does cheat--so why would you stay with someone like this?  You keep saying don't do it again, or else--but there is no else because you don't leave.  There have to be consequences for his actions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2014
In reply to: caroljea52
Sat, 06-28-2014 - 9:23am

Unless you have children together than I would get the hell out of there honey! 

He is basically having an EA with these other women. Get rid of him. Get some counselling help and kick him to the kerb. 

If you have kids with him, I would recommend you go to joint counselling, I feel he has some issues that he is not owning up to or taking responsibility for, if he starts to 'Man Up' it is possible that he will learn and grow and become a better man. But I only think is a worthwhile avenue if you have children together, otherwise this guy is just not worth your time and energy. 


Best of luck x 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2002
In reply to: caroljea52
Sat, 07-26-2014 - 12:36am

Why would you marry a compulsive liar and cheater?  Do you think it will get better once you say "I do"?  You deserve MUCH BETTER!!  Get out now while it is still relatively uncomplicated.  He will never ever change.  Is this how you want to live your life?  RUN!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2014
In reply to: caroljea52
Wed, 08-06-2014 - 12:59pm
How are you going to marry someone who's not fully invested in you? You both aren't even married yet and he's cheating with the XGF. Why he proposed in the 1st place is beyond my comprehension but please do yourself a favor and don't go through with it. You should play 2nd to anyone. Its either you or nothing. Demand your respect and walk away while you still can. I know its easier said than done because I'm not in this situation but you KNOW you deserve better. He needs to get out of here with that craziness. For goodness sake he told the X that he loves her. If that's not enough to make you run for the hills I don't know what will. Wishing you the best!