Questions, Questions, and more Questions

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2006
Questions, Questions, and more Questions
Wed, 07-01-2009 - 5:26pm

How long after DD do you continue questioning your WS about what happened? I know some may see this as torturing myself, but I keep a copy of the yahoo messages I found between my SO and the OB(you can guess what B stands for, I won't dare put W because a real woman doesn't spread eagle for every man that walks by.)

Well, the reason I keep it is because it is a reminder of what my SO is capable of. I always held him in such high regards. He was my rock, my hero, and my best friend. I was naive to believe he


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2009
Wed, 07-01-2009 - 5:44pm

first thanks for the laugh -- it took me more than 30 seconds to figure out the B and then I felt SILLY ... so I had a great laugh at myself.

second, hugs.

third, everyone and every relationship is different.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Wed, 07-01-2009 - 6:30pm

Hi Elle,

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2009
Wed, 07-01-2009 - 6:50pm

I held on to my ex H's emails to OW until my final D hearing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2008
Thu, 07-02-2009 - 9:44am

It has been a year for me and I still have lingering questions for my FWH. You need to ask as many questions as you need to in order to feel safe again in the relationship. Just please take my advice and don't ask about sexual details; those images will haunt you forever. I still look at my DH lips sometimes and think how in the world he could have put his lips on her..... and mine. YUCK!!!!!!!

How in the world a woman can sleep with a man knowing that he is sleeping with someone else is beyond me; and how a man can sleep with another woman and come home and sleep with his W is beyond me as well.

Anyway, that was funny about the OB, because that is what she degraded herself to be. Having S in trucks and giving her body away and only having five minutes with a man who has just taken the most precious thing you can give anyone. You almost have to pity someone who doesn't love themselves enough to know that they are worth more than that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2006
Thu, 07-02-2009 - 10:36am

Unfortunately, the way I found out was by reading all the details of what happened. That is what kills me the most is reading what went down, or should I say who went down, and having those mental images seared in my brain. It's like an adult film playing in my head and someone keeps hitting replay. It's horrible. If he would have said, "I cheated on you with this person...." I don't think I would have wanted those details, but finding out the way I did I didn't have much choice. It truly was humiliating to see her reminisce about the time she went down on him at a park and all of a sudden I called and she was still going at it. If she were standing in front of me when I read that i'd be typing this from prison.

It's just all so sad. I really don't understand either how someone can share such intimate moments that should only be spent with a SO with someone that they say is a P.O.S. To me it was more like a P.O.A$$. , but I guess for her the two are the same. I really don't pity her. I just feel sorry for her the day she crosses my path because I really will rip her to shreds and won't even think twice.

The more I think about things and the more angry I become I feel closer to not wanting to continue this relationship. It makes me feel so sad because I do love him and care for him, but I just feel things are so broken. I feel broken. I"m a walking talking humpty dumpty. He really doesn't help much. He's dealing with his own drama and everytime something happens and we argue about what happened he wants to go back to how his past is the reason all these things have happened. I want him to say, " I am sorry for what I did to you and to us and I will do whatever it takes to fix it even if it means going to a quack that I don't believe in, but i'll do it just for you." Is that too much to ask for?

Instead everytime we argue about it, he says, "my past has doomed me and it's why i did what i did and I just want to disappear and poor me poor me poor me...." He always makes it about him and it hits my soft hearted spot because he knows I can't say much about what he went through as a child. He always plays the victim and the misunderstood one.

Even when I tell him I understand, but this is what i'm trying to say... he gets all huffy and says I don't get his piont. What point? His childhood was traumatic so he had to ruin his adulthood? It's like guess what, my childhood was vicious, but am I an alcoholic that can make him feel like the dirt I walk on? NO! I took a different route than what i saw growing up. He can too, but refuses and then wants me to believe he won't cheat again. If he can't change the part of him that made him cheat, then what is to stop him from doing it again? That has been my point to him and he doesn't get it, but yet he is misunderstood.

I honestly don't know what is going to happen. I love him and I care about him, but I feel more and more that i'm just too broken and what's more is I don't want to regret staying knowing he did these things with this person and had no respect for me or us. It was as if he threw us out the window for this girl. Maybe I am naive, but in my world love overpowers all and it should be enough to stop someone from cheating. If the love you have with someone is not powerful enough to make you turn the other way when someone makes you an offer, than maybe you shouldn't be with that person.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Sat, 07-04-2009 - 6:31pm

I'm not going to say you don't have a role in "why you got so distant", all marriages have problems and both of you are responsible somehow if things got bad between you.


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Sun, 07-05-2009 - 12:04am

2 things come to mind in reading your post.

i have been married for almost 32 years. i too have the emails he sent to SEVERAL of the women. one in particular that he was involved with for about 3 years. i read the emails over and over and over - dissecting them. looking back in retrospect reading them torture, pure torture. i still have them but rarely read them any more. every time i do it is like opening up a scab.

regarding the questions - well each one of us is an individual. as dr. phil says 'he was the one who ran this off into a ditch - and by God it is up to him to get it out. if it means continually answering questions until she is questioned out then that is what you will have to do. but, i would caution you that at some point you are going to need to stop - not for his sake but for yours. you keep focusing on what he did and who he did it with. you are constantly asking yourself the question why?????? you are holding yourself hostage to his betrayal. i know it hurts, believe me i do. i know better than most as i kept going over it in mind all of the time. and for what??? did i get any answers? no. i defined myself as a woman who had been cheated on, i defined myself as a woman whose husband trolled all of the nasty hook up sites on the internet, i defined myself as a woman whose husband posed as widower on yahoo personals, i defined myself as a woman whose husband had back door sex with a perfect stranger unprotected.

finally, and i do mean finally i woke up after a vicious lie he told me - i finally decided i would no longer be held hostage any longer. no longer would i see myself as his wife, no instead i see myself as me. i finally realized that i was much more than a wife or a mother. i had lost me - i had become 'the wife' and mom ONLY. that is not a good thing.

i am still new at this, beginning to find me again, but i will tell you one thing it sure feels a heck of alot better than playing the betrayed spouse. I ABSOLUTELY REFUSE TO ALLOW WHAT HE DID TO DEFINE ME ANY LONGER. i no longer obsess over what they did. now, when thoughts of all of that crap come to mind i change the channel, i MAKE myself think of something else. when that does not work i get up and do something, or turn on the tv, or the radio, or my ipod.

this is my life, and i will be da**** if i allow him to own even a little piece of it.

you only go around one time, this is no dress rehearsal - we are not allowed redos.

start seeing yourself as someone who deserves something better than re reading a bunch of lieing emails. that is all they were you know, lies. she wanted him and he wanted a piece - that is it pure and simple. men will say anything to get what they want. think about it.

but does it really matter.

i will tell you what i realized it is all about ego. my ego was torn to shreads. and over what a liar and a cheater. so, now i am going to find that ago again and build it back up. i would recommend you think about all of this and do the same.

don't stay a martyr, take back your power as a strong, beautiful woman. carry yourself in that way, proud, it will make you feel better on the inside.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Sun, 07-05-2009 - 1:33am

A past therapist told me that same thing, at some point you HAVE to quit talking about it or you will stay stuck.


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Sun, 07-05-2009 - 12:43pm

you and i have many many similarities - too bad they all seem to center around a cheating husband.

this morning my h and were talking about the quarterback who was found dead with his 20 year old girlfriend (hello??????). in my tainted mind I am thinking murder suicide. he told her it is over and she had a meltdown. my h is wondering if it was the wife.

while i know i am healing i also know i have a long way to go - proof of that statement. i said no, i don't think it was the wife. he asked why 'I SAID IF IT WERE THE WIFE HE WOULD HAVE BEEN FOUND WITH HIS D*** IN HIS MOUTH'. my husband replied "you are so hostile sometimes'. i looked at him and asked 'GEE I WONDER WHY????' i then added, but maybe if it was his wife she was just too hurt and humiliated at the time, all she could do was to react and shoot the sob. i feel bad for the young girl though, she was just a child in my eyes.

my husband asked me "how do you know that he didn't really care about her?" 'HE WAS STILL WITH HIS WIFE WASN'T HE?, JUST HOW DEEPLY CAN A MAN CARE FOR SOMEONE ELSE AND STILL BE MARRIED'.

that is the thing you know. why not just leave???? i mean sure there will still be pain on the wifes part, but at least she will not be left with her ego, self esteem, and dignity wounded. but then that would take integrity, we all know what that is right ----- THE ABILITY TO ACT IN A LEGAL MORAL MANNER. the majority of these cheaters simply want their ego stroked; they want what they thing is 'it all' ................ wife at home, piece on the side.

my husbnad like yours never got it, and probably never will. he has been a cheater all of his life. first with wife number 1 (a wonderful person, God rest her soul) and now with me. to them 'it didn't mean anything' oh, so that is suppose to make it hurt less.

when i read some of the postings of the men who have been betrayed it gives me hope that there are good men out there you know. too late for me but hope for my 20 year old. God only knows what i would do if my son n law cheated on my daughter. he knows of my husbands escapades and i did advise him when i found out back in 06, "you ever cheat on m****, you had better run fast and dig in deep, because when i find you you will think you have dies and gone to hell". he saw first hand what it did to me, i can remember one day he came over to pick something up and i was the only one home. he found me in the backyard sitting in my flower bed crying and screaming, i was totally out of control. sobbing like a baby. he looked at me and said, 'i am so sorry for your pain, and to think it did not have to be this way'. after i calmed down i asked him to do something for me, i asked him to remember the sight of me like he found me for the rest of his life.

ever wonder what your life would have been like it you left????

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2009
Wed, 07-08-2009 - 3:40pm
Do you ever get over it? I just feel like, right now, that I will never "get over it." And the conversation that you just had with your husband re: McNair, sounds very similar to a conversation that I just had with my husband - that philanderer! I just found out 9 days ago about a 3 1/2 year "purely sexual" affair that he had with someone in the office. How did you find the strength to stay and not be suspicious every time he was late, or didn't answer his phone, or out with the office? We have 3 young children, and part of the reason I have pretty much decided to stay is that I can't go through finding someone else with 3 young kids, and if I do find someone else, how do I trust him? I never thought in my wildest dreams that I'd be in this situation ever.... I'm just so sad and heartbroken....