Raw and New

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2014
Raw and New
Fri, 07-25-2014 - 4:12am

Hello Everyone,

Forgive the long post- I just need to get this out. My husband and I have been married for 7 years and together for 10. We have a 6 year old and a two year old together, Two years ago we moved from Iowa to California to be closer to my family. I came out first and he stayed behind for 3 months to sell our house. During this period, he did seem to become emotionally distant and I confess I thought he might have had some sort of emotional affair- but I dismissed this from my mind beause he was always such a good father and husband and, after all, he did complete the move. After he got here he went through a difficult period where he seemed very depressed. He is in law enforcement - an it took him about 5 months to get all the certifications he needed and go through the hiring process to continue his career here and he absolutely hated being unemployed. He also was having some medical problems at the time (He takes testosterone and had a problem getting his prescription refilled and went through withdrawals)- so I tried to just be supportive and understanding even though that distance was still there. Once he started work he seemed to get better, we purchased a home here and moved forward. He has been up and down since that time - he really does not like the agency that he works for and has continually been looking for a new job - this obviously seemed to affect his mood.During the periods when he is "down" he complains mostly about his job. Compounding matters, he works varied shifts that leave him constantly tired (graveyard, etc) and always works on the weekend which means we never have much family time together. The county that he works at is a difficult 45 minute commute away and occasionally due to scheduling he spends the night there. I thought that we were doing better recently , but again, there has been a  nagging distance there.

On Monday night, he texted me that he would be home later - I went ahead and went to bed. The next morning I woke up and realized he hadn't made it home. There was a lengthy text from him that he had been in a motorcycle accident and had some pretty serious injuries, He had been given major pain meds and his seargent was taking him to his home to recuperate. The whole day was very weird with him just texting me saying he was in too much pain for me to come get him and drive him home. He finally came home on Wednesday morning with both arms in slings (he obviously really had been in an accident). He was strange and vaguely hostile and made a comment that he had ruined everything. I satisfied myself that he was ok, had a brief chat where I scolded him that if anything like this were to happen again, he needed to call me and that I found this whole thing very strange and then I had to leave for work. He called me at work four hours later to tell me that the accident had happened when he was leaving another woman's house and that he had beeen having an affair for "weeks" and that he had "ruined everything", he was sure I would divorce him and "take him to the cleaners". I was strangely calm and suddenly realized that I wasn't surprised. I asked the usual questions - who is she, how long, did he work with her, etc. I didn't get much in the way of response. I told him we would obviously neeed to talk in person but I actually reassured him that while this was devastating, I was willing to put in the work to do what we could to save our family (I guess I've always had the mindset that I would do anything for my family - so that is why that came out so easily and quickly). I said that he needed to end it with the other woman, that he would need to commit to working through our issues and that he had to be prepared that I wouldn't trust him for a long time. He mumbled "ok". By the time I drove home 45 minutes later he was gone and had left behind a letter . This is what it said- " I have failed you and the girls as a father and a husband. I cannot do this anymore. I want a divorce. You can have everything............(there are a few financial details about how he plans to deposit money every month into our account)....When you decide what access I can have to the girls I will take all I can get. You are a good person. I am the failure. I wanted to tell you in person but I am weak and no longer the man I once was. I know you'll hate me forever. I'm sorry I will stay in ...(the city he works)... until I can find a place. I am a failure." He had taken all his clothes, uniforms and personal possessions.

He called his mother and told her the same thing (his family lives out of state and our older daughter had been enjoying a vacation with her). He wouldn't answer my calls so I texted him that he was a coward for not facing me. This morning he texted back that it was true he is a coward, that he knew he had caused a disaster and ruined everything. He would meet me somewhere but not today or tommorow. I have not replied.

I am devastated, I have not eaten or slept since this happened. He has had his failings as a husband (as detailed above) but he is an absolutely devoted father and I cannot comprehend how he can do this to our children. When I married him, I was so happy vecause I was sure he would never do anything like this to me.