Raw and New

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2014
Raw and New
13
Fri, 07-25-2014 - 4:12am

Hello Everyone,

Forgive the long post- I just need to get this out. My husband and I have been married for 7 years and together for 10. We have a 6 year old and a two year old together, Two years ago we moved from Iowa to California to be closer to my family. I came out first and he stayed behind for 3 months to sell our house. During this period, he did seem to become emotionally distant and I confess I thought he might have had some sort of emotional affair- but I dismissed this from my mind beause he was always such a good father and husband and, after all, he did complete the move. After he got here he went through a difficult period where he seemed very depressed. He is in law enforcement - an it took him about 5 months to get all the certifications he needed and go through the hiring process to continue his career here and he absolutely hated being unemployed. He also was having some medical problems at the time (He takes testosterone and had a problem getting his prescription refilled and went through withdrawals)- so I tried to just be supportive and understanding even though that distance was still there. Once he started work he seemed to get better, we purchased a home here and moved forward. He has been up and down since that time - he really does not like the agency that he works for and has continually been looking for a new job - this obviously seemed to affect his mood.During the periods when he is "down" he complains mostly about his job. Compounding matters, he works varied shifts that leave him constantly tired (graveyard, etc) and always works on the weekend which means we never have much family time together. The county that he works at is a difficult 45 minute commute away and occasionally due to scheduling he spends the night there. I thought that we were doing better recently , but again, there has been a  nagging distance there.

On Monday night, he texted me that he would be home later - I went ahead and went to bed. The next morning I woke up and realized he hadn't made it home. There was a lengthy text from him that he had been in a motorcycle accident and had some pretty serious injuries, He had been given major pain meds and his seargent was taking him to his home to recuperate. The whole day was very weird with him just texting me saying he was in too much pain for me to come get him and drive him home. He finally came home on Wednesday morning with both arms in slings (he obviously really had been in an accident). He was strange and vaguely hostile and made a comment that he had ruined everything. I satisfied myself that he was ok, had a brief chat where I scolded him that if anything like this were to happen again, he needed to call me and that I found this whole thing very strange and then I had to leave for work. He called me at work four hours later to tell me that the accident had happened when he was leaving another woman's house and that he had beeen having an affair for "weeks" and that he had "ruined everything", he was sure I would divorce him and "take him to the cleaners". I was strangely calm and suddenly realized that I wasn't surprised. I asked the usual questions - who is she, how long, did he work with her, etc. I didn't get much in the way of response. I told him we would obviously neeed to talk in person but I actually reassured him that while this was devastating, I was willing to put in the work to do what we could to save our family (I guess I've always had the mindset that I would do anything for my family - so that is why that came out so easily and quickly). I said that he needed to end it with the other woman, that he would need to commit to working through our issues and that he had to be prepared that I wouldn't trust him for a long time. He mumbled "ok". By the time I drove home 45 minutes later he was gone and had left behind a letter . This is what it said- " I have failed you and the girls as a father and a husband. I cannot do this anymore. I want a divorce. You can have everything............(there are a few financial details about how he plans to deposit money every month into our account)....When you decide what access I can have to the girls I will take all I can get. You are a good person. I am the failure. I wanted to tell you in person but I am weak and no longer the man I once was. I know you'll hate me forever. I'm sorry I will stay in ...(the city he works)... until I can find a place. I am a failure." He had taken all his clothes, uniforms and personal possessions.

He called his mother and told her the same thing (his family lives out of state and our older daughter had been enjoying a vacation with her). He wouldn't answer my calls so I texted him that he was a coward for not facing me. This morning he texted back that it was true he is a coward, that he knew he had caused a disaster and ruined everything. He would meet me somewhere but not today or tommorow. I have not replied.

I am devastated, I have not eaten or slept since this happened. He has had his failings as a husband (as detailed above) but he is an absolutely devoted father and I cannot comprehend how he can do this to our children. When I married him, I was so happy vecause I was sure he would never do anything like this to me.

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Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
In reply to: raliced
Fri, 07-25-2014 - 10:42am

Sorry this happened to you. I know this is more of a venting and getting it out post. Wow there is not much to say. Very bizarre on some levels. It does make me wonder if you were on to something when he was still living in Iowa, like there was something going on there too. I hope he will come around andm aybe he can be helped.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2002
In reply to: raliced
Fri, 07-25-2014 - 11:23am

Well, it sounds like your husband, while he may be a devoted father, was not a devoted husband.  You seemed to sense something, but the reality is so much harsher than just a feeling.  I'm sorry you are going through this, but people do not stay together (and should not stay together) just for the kids.  Your husband is not the man you thought him to be and while it took him getting into an accident to come clean, it's better you found out sooner rather than later.   It will take some time, and maybe you two will work it out, and maybe not.  You need support now, please make sure to reach out to your family and lean on them, I would even go so far as to find a counselor to talk to and a lawyer...

Good luck.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

.  -Albert Einstein

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
In reply to: raliced
Fri, 07-25-2014 - 1:48pm

Sorry this brings you here.  

I think all we can offer here is to tell you to seek legal advice, regardless of what actually happens between you two.  Make sure and reach out to someone in real life, even if it is a counselor who is a stranger.  You need to get this out and get real life feedback.  

Hang in there.  Which ever way things go, you can get it through it.  Hugs....

Serenity

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
In reply to: raliced
Fri, 07-25-2014 - 1:54pm

As the others have said, you "sensed" something for a long time.  The letter he left you was really overly dramatic, and meant to make you feel sorry for him.  He's got a g/f, and he's now living with her.  She was probably the "sargeant" he was staying with after the accident, too.  Do not be surprised if, in a few months, he's knocking on your door, tail between his legs, begging forgiveness.  Eventually he will realize that the g/f is a conniving beatch, or SHE will realize that he's not the Mr.Wonderful she thought he was.  There's a big difference between having an affair with a married man, and actually living with that man.  Unfortunately, there's not much you can do but accept the fact that he's gone......and move on with your life.  Do NOT put him down to your children.....no matter how he's hurt you.  He is still their father, and hopefully he will make sure he sees them and stays in contact with them.  The problem between you two should not be a problem for your children.  It sucks when someone you truly love does something like this to you, but you have to understand that he didn't love you as much as you loved him......if he did, this wouldn't have happened.  I hate to say it, but guys in law enforcement are known to be notorious cheaters.....not sure why, but I've known a few, and it's true. (I think women love men in uniforms, and men love the attention, plus they're working shifts with females, it's just a lot of opportunity, and most men can't resist it!)  Be very thankful you're near your family......just get on with your life....and enjoy your life.  This too shall pass.......be strong if and when he comes back begging for forgiveness.....but don't wait for that day.  Maybe by that time you'll have found someone new and better!  Be a happy loving Mom for your kids.......

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to: raliced
Fri, 07-25-2014 - 3:39pm

He sounds very depressed, which he could be due to the change in jobs, not liking where he is living, etc.  Only you know whether he probably is depressed or just faking it for sympathy.  One thing, considering you offered to stay together and him not accepting that, he is either irrational (giving you all the money you want) or just wants to be with the other woman--the fact that he said he is staying in the new city where he works means he already has a place to stay--with her, most likely.  It's very unfortunate for you.

The thing is that he is not really doing anything "to the kids."  He is doing it to you.  It's sad that if you split up the kids won't be able to see their dad every day, but if he is willing to provide child support and he wants to see them regularly, then they will cope with it.  It isn't ideal, but my ex decided he wanted to leave hom when our kids were very young (and there wasn't even another woman) and the kids have done just fine--they saw him all the time and had a good relationship with both of us.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Fri, 07-25-2014 - 5:25pm

Do I understand correctly that he has only been gone a few days?  So this is very, very fresh?  

Serenity

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2014
In reply to: raliced
Fri, 07-25-2014 - 5:30pm

Just a few follow ups to some of your kind comments:

Well - I guess I should say that he used to take pride in being a good husband and father - it was something that he talked about routinely. Whatever else is going on, I do think that he is genuinely upset that we have ended up in this situation. He used a lot of phrases like " I can't believe I've turned into this man". Well - I guess he did turn into that type of guy and now we will all have to live with it. 

I am scheduled to see a counselor on Tuesday. It was the earliest appointment I could get. I would never bad mouth him in front of the kidsand my focus for the coming week is how to best handle this with the kids. It does seem extra unfortunate that my oldest is going to return from vacation to find her father gone and the world gone topsy turvy.

I agree with all the comments that he sounds depressed. I am actually going to tell him so when I see him and suggest he see someone.

Here are the other things I am going to tell him.

1. I am not disappearing from his life. We have two children that we are going to need to figure out how to co-parent together and even when that is done we will probably someday have mutual grandchildren and will still be in each other lives. Therefore - he needs to treat me respectfully and communicating exclusively via text is not respectful. He is going to have to get used to having hard conversations with me. Beginning with being straight with me about where he is living now, where he plans to live and what exactly is the relationship with his g/f.

2. I am going to request that we have a trial separation during which time we will get counseling. The counseling will not necessarily be about getting back together - but figuring out how we are going to be in each others lives and co parent successfully.I will say that I am open to the possiblity of reconciliation although obviously I know that might not happen and that I might not want it to happen by the end. I know that I have probably been in denial for the past two years - but I still feel very confident that during the prior 7 years things were as good as I thought. We have never tried to fix the marriage and that does seem like something to explore as part of counseling. I am asking for the trial seperation as a cooling off period before we go forward with something that is irrevocable. If at the end of 3/6 months either one of us still wants  to divorce, then we will do so using a mediation service which the counseling should help expedite. In California, there is a 6 month waiting period after you file - so  he can be a free man in a year. I did see a lawyer  - and basically the only risk to separating vs. filing for divorce is that I could still be liable for any bills he runs up during that period and I am reasonably confident that I don't have to worry about that too much. 

3. Regarding the kids - I am going to tell him that when the dust settles, I truly want thim to spend a lot of time with the kids (frankly some of that will depend on where he ends up living, if he lives an hour away it will be more difficult for him to do things like pick them up from school). However, right now he's making bad choices, having affairs, wrecking motorcycles, hanging around with who knows what kind of people and frankly- I don't know him right now. I am not sure that I trust him unsupervised with the kids. I am sure we can figure out some way to put my mind at ease - possibly something at counseling will help

4. there are several financial matters that will need to be discussed but basically I want his commitment that he will be supportive of my trying to hang onto the family home (it will be difficult with the reduction in income). I hope that he will agree that continuing a stable environment for the girls close to family (we live rvery near to my parents and my sister's family) is important. I will need him to help with a refinance that will make the home more affordable.

Thats it in a nutshell .Thanks to all who offered me kind words and encouragement

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2014
In reply to: raliced
Fri, 07-25-2014 - 5:30pm
Yes that is correct. This all went down 2 days ago although it feels much longer.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 07-25-2014 - 10:02pm

It seems like you have a sensible plan going there so I hope he goes along with it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Mon, 07-28-2014 - 10:02am

Those are good plans that you have. I have just one thing to add. I would discuss with him not to introduce your children to anyone he's dating until they are in a serious relationship (a minimum of 6 months). The children also need to get used to the new situation without getting upset about seeing either of their parents with another partner. I would have him see the children in your city alone for now. Either he can spend time with them at your home while you're out shopping, etc. Or, he can pick them up and bring them to a local park.

I'm sorry that has happened to you. The same thing just happened to my daughter after seven years with her son's father. Take care.

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