really confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2010
really confused
6
Tue, 04-20-2010 - 7:39am

Hi


I met my DB last year we had known each other since school and had a fling when we were teens, he went of and had kids and got married and so did i. When we met up again i had just ended my marriage with my dh and he was single with a string of failed relationships behind him, not finding the right woman. I was living 200 miles away so for months we were travelling to see each other at weekends.


I fell for him very fast and he showed he cared and wanted me to move back home to the town he was still living in, this was easy for me because my family lived there too. i tried my hardest and eventually moved back with my kids at the end of the summer last year. Before i moved back we always talked about living together and making a real go of our relationship and it was what we both wanted.


Shortly after moving back and things were very stressful for me, with settling in and finding work etc he started to back of and stopped coming to my house, he would make excuses that he was tired or doing something, if we saw each other it was for an hour or two and then he would leave and go home. The arguments were mostly every day, i wanted to be with him and he made out i was coming on to strong. Newyears eve he called me a lapdog and said he wanted this year to be different. We joined a gym, , his idea for us to do something together, few days later the excuses started again and he was spending more time with his teenage daughter than he was me, i would text and ask if he was going to the gym, he would tell me he was already there with his DD, this caused more argument and then he would ignore me. At the end of January he text me and said neither of us were happy and he wanted space, i was devestated and he couldnt of cared less. He carried on texting me and then told me all my faults were i didnt make him happy and didnt try with his kids.


After that chat we had we stayed together and sorted things out. weeks later he went and had a serious operatiion and i was there for him and supported him. Hes moved in with me and my kids and we are alot better now. But a few months ago i found out he had been texting his ex GF when he was at work, he told me he text her to wish her happy birthday, but i later found out her BD wasnt for another week, he lied for 4 days to who the woman he had text was, he made out it was someone different, when i found out it was his ex he brushed it away and made out i was over reacting.


He is very distant and doesnt show his feelings to me very often but the thing that niggles me is his kmoblile phone, he never leaves it anywhere its with him 24/7 in his pocket, he has had late night texts and then leaves it on silent, if i question him he says the texts are from his teenage dd or work mates, i caught him checking his phone and texting someone early hours of the morning last week, he said it was someone from work, it happened again last night. If his phone needs charging he wont leave it on the side to charge, he waits to we go to bed and then charges it.


im very paranoid

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
In reply to: shasto15
Tue, 04-20-2010 - 8:18am

Hi shasto, You said that your DB was "single with a long string of failed relationships behind him" when you got together. That right there speaks volumes. My exh was exactly the same but I made the mistake of marrying him! Somehow it would be different with me--yeah right!

This is just my humble opinion but I think you need to pick YOURSELF up and take care of you! Switch your focus from this boyfriend to yourself and your children. Give yourself the "space" to think. What do you want in a relationship? What do you want for the rest of your life? If he is worthy of your love and care he will come around and be supportive and respectful to you. If he isn't, thankfully you are not married to him.

There is absolutely no reason for him to be texting work mates at night. Hiding his phone is a red flag as you know. Listen to your gut! I don't think that is the first red flag from your story. It is very understandable that you feel paranoid--there is a REASON for it.

Please stand up for yourself and only accept the love and respect that you deserve!!
hugs, Ollie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2010
In reply to: shasto15
Tue, 04-20-2010 - 12:20pm
You're not being paranoid.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2010
In reply to: shasto15
Wed, 04-21-2010 - 5:31am

thanks ollie for replying to my post.


Yes your very right and i always have this gut feeling inside me, but if i try to talk to him about how i feel and what i think, he twists it and says its me and im mad and then will ignore what i

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2010
In reply to: shasto15
Wed, 04-21-2010 - 5:50am

thanks for replying to my post


Why do you say hes cheating? because of hiding the phone and the way he is with it? I know this is a real warning and would love to get hold of that phone, but i never get the chance too.


I just cant see how he could be cheating on me because he works all day and then hes with me, when hes not with me he is with family and will ring me or to pick his kids up. Before he came to live with me he was always chatting on a social networking site, when i would log on and see he was on chat, i would text him and say who you talking too, he would say his DD. But he was always having messages left from women and hearts, since living with me, he doesnt go on the site much now, the messages and posts to him have stopped which says it all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
In reply to: shasto15
Wed, 04-21-2010 - 8:13am

Hi Shasto, I came to the realization with my exh that if it wasn't all about him he wasn't happy. He was jealous of my success with my work, my family and friends so he went out for the ego stroke of affairs. It didn't matter what I did for him or how much I loved him he was not going to change.

So what you are saying is this man never tells you he loves you, rarely shows it and you are unable to communicate with him!? You also feel used. Now my question to you is do you want to live like this?
You can't 'make' him be responsible, loving, caring and respectful and frankly you deserve better. He had to choose to be the responsible loving partner you want. His behavior to you explains his long line of failed relationships.

Tell him what you want, need and deserve in a healthy relationship and accept no less. Work on rebuilding yourself with or without him. If he is unwilling to listen he is unwilling to have a "full on relationship with you" as you say he wants! Fortunately you are not married and can move on with less red tape. IMHO too many women fear living/being alone and truthfully it is wonderful!!!

He should have a good relationship with his children and I hope you support that but that doesn't mean he can't have a good relationship with you too. Stand up for yourself, life is too short not to!!!

take care, Ollie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2006
In reply to: shasto15
Wed, 04-21-2010 - 10:55am

If he isn't outright cheating (which I think he probably is) then at a minimum he is carrying on with a private life that he is actively excluding you from. He is going to lengths to hide from you what he is doing and who he is communicating with. You should feel paranoid! If he hasn't cheated yet from this point it is only a matter of time. I don't want to sound extreme but from what you have described your relationship is in mortal peril.

You can confront him about what is going on, you can say all you want to him about it... but he has already proven himself to be unreliable and dishonest about his dealings with other women in your relationship up until this point. It sounds like the odds are great that he will deny, deny, deny until you have proof. That's the way it goes with these people.

If it was me, I'd wait until he was asleep or in the shower or something and then get that phone and take a peek. Or you could just ask him to show you his text history - if there is nothing to hide then what would be the big deal? Don't let him make up excuses or explain away why you shouldn't see it.

What he is doing sounds exactly like what my husband did. He changed the code on his phone and then refused to tell me what it was or leave me alone with it. He also gave his AP a fake name based on one of his real life friends so that if I did see anything happen to pop up he could say it was just this other person. He became so attached to his phone that he would sleep with it under his pillow at night and be checking it constantly. When I'd ask him who he was texting, it was always something to do with work. LIAR!!!

I hope and pray that he isn't cheating on you. If it turns out that he isn't, get in couples counseling at any cost! If he won't go with you, go to individual counseling. It has helped me so much. Another good thing to do is to check out books on cheating at the library or bookstore. They are great for perspective. I wish I had read some of this stuff before my D-Day.

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