Recent Infidelity

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2009
Recent Infidelity
Sun, 05-03-2009 - 11:31pm

I'm new here and I never thought I'd have to post here.

I started dating my husband in 1999, and we were married in 2006. Up until this past October, we were the golden couple. Things were great, nothing could get us down. Every problem we had in our lives, we solved and moved on, stronger and better than ever.

In October, he chose to take a job in an area that I wasn't comfortable living in. It held no career options for me, and I was 600 miles from my family. It wasn't so much that we were living here, as we'd been living here for several years prior, it was that we were in the middle of plans to move back to our home town when he made the decision without consulting me.

Since that time, things have been tense. In the last few days we'd decided to just make things work. I was getting better about his job, and we both seemed really happy.

On Wednesday night I got a text message from him that said "out for a drink, won't be late!" at abou 11:30, when he gets off from work. He often goes out with his co-workers at a nearby bar, so I figured he'd be home in an hour or so.

When he wasn't home by 3, I was terrified.

The following evening he came home, and then yesterday I got the bright idea to look at our call log on our wireless plan, online. There was a new number showing up that he was texting and calling frequently, probably ever 2-3 minutes all day long.

I texted him at work and asked him if he was getting off on time. He replied that he was, and I told him that I wanted to talk to him.

He did not come home on time. About 2 and a half hours late.

When he got home I checked his phone. None of the numbers that he had saved matched that one, and all of the text messages had been deleted.

At that point I knew. I confronted him, and he admitted that he had met a girl where he worked (she was a patron of the restaurant he works at) and they went to the bar, got drunk, and had sex. The following day was when the text messages started, and last night the met up and had sex again.

I am devastated. Even as tense as things have been, I was completely blind sided by this. He always told me that if he felt the urge to cheat, that he'd have a serious discussion with me to talk things over, and see what was wrong in our relationship that would cause him to go that route. Any time I ever asked him if he would cheat, he said "No, I take my marriage vows seriously".

I don't know what to do. After 10 years together, most of which were happy, I feel like it'd be wrong not to at least try to rectify the situation, but he isn't even sure if he wants to. If he decides he is, how do you get past the hurt, anger, and mental images? I can't sleep, I haven't eaten since yesterday, and I feel like it's this awful nightmare that I'm not able to wake up from.

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Tue, 05-05-2009 - 10:11am

I'm so sorry. I remember the day I found out, I was also pouring over her phone records. Ugh!

Sweetie, do you have any resources? Family or a therapist? You really need to do a few things right now. Contact a lawyer, you don't have to use him, but you should see him and find out what your rights are. OK. You need to get some exercise to burn off this stress, you need to eat some good food, veggies, fruit, grain, avoid junk food. Go get a therapist first thing. Someone you can vent at who really has some tools to help you.

Take a deep breath and get to work. Chin up. You can do this. If you take care of you. You will be able to deal with this other stuff.


5 kids ages 15-9, D Day: August 5, 2008

Status: Sorting Things Out.


We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2009
Tue, 05-05-2009 - 12:29pm

Wow -- Your story is similar to mine. I was with my husband since 1999 -- married since 2000. Throughout our life, I had known of a few times he's cheated. It's so devastating. You feel as though the floor was ripped out from under you. I wondered how and why -- why he would do such a thing. He would always tell me it was nothing... She was a friend of a friend and no sexual activity occured. Then, after 8 1/2 years of marriage, he took the dog, truck and trailer and took off to his brother's in TX. Now I'm getting the silent treatment and he won't talk to me. All I got was

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2009
Tue, 05-05-2009 - 4:10pm

I feel your pain.