Ref - still cheating

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Ref - still cheating
Mon, 08-30-2010 - 10:13pm

Ok so the H and I went to MC today which turned into IC for him.. basically when we got there he just sat there and said nothing. so figureing at this point i had nothing to lose i said that the only thing i wanted was for him to either choose to be faithful to me or leave. then i got up and left the room.. i guess he started to talk but the wierd thing was when they came out the therapist made a suggestion that we shouldn't talk till our next session next tuesday.. WTF...

so i waited long enough for him to pull out of the drive way on his way back to CA.. which sucked I still hate it so much when he leaves. i texted him asking when was the last time he and the OW talked he lied in responce which i called him on. telling him i saw his texts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
Tue, 08-31-2010 - 1:38am
hard stuff intelirish!
don't feel sorry for him!
you have to be strong - make it crystal clear you are not his soft spot to land on
you are not a given / fallback
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2009
Tue, 08-31-2010 - 10:01am


I would say that he doesnt deserve your trust...It is now up to him to earn your trust..

Really the ball

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Sat, 09-04-2010 - 1:04pm

Your post brings back memories of how torturous it is in the first few months after discovery. Being filled with anger/resentment/worry/love/disbelief/RAGE!

Looking back, I think being so involved in the process of their pain/fear etc. is a double load you should try not to bear . . . it is just too much. Could you put the phone down and not respond to his texts? Essentially, he has punched you in the face and you are trying to bandage his hand, worried he has hurt himself. He has hurt himself and the ones he loves and he needs to feel the full force of the consequences. Which is why the 180 is such a strong message and tool for change. It shows you are strong and will not take crap from anyone who tries to hurt you or your family and sadly, that perpetrator is your H right now w/all his BS.

I am only asking b/c I did the same thing and regret it . . . worried about H and how he was doing and he repaid me by not letting go and cutting off communication with OW.

As long as you are responding to his texts you are doing the 360 instead of the 180 . . . and that will not serve you well. But it is easy to say this 6 years out and not suffering the way you are right now.

Hugs to you and hope you will consider using your energy for yourself and your kids and not helping your H thru this mess he made.


Edited 9/4/2010 1:13 pm ET by imommy22boys
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Sat, 09-04-2010 - 8:46pm
I don't know why it is we are so hard on ourselves when we find out this crap, but we do it.