Remorse V. Guilt

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2009
Remorse V. Guilt
Wed, 04-08-2009 - 12:55pm

I called in sick to work today- there's no way I could function there- and I've spent the majority of the day writing a letter to my H. I'm not going to give him the letter but it is helping me put some of my feelings into words. I'll take little exerpts and tell him those.

I was trying to understand something: I feel like my H knows he hurt me and he's sorry but he hasn't shown me that he really wants to change. He says he'll never do it again. But I just have this feeling that he's more concerned with himself.

Anyway, I came across the 180 list in the posts here. I clicked on a link in that post and did a little searching. I found this article that describes exactly what my H is doing right now. He's feeling guilty and has little or no remorse.

(I hope I'm not breaking a board rule by posting this here too- if so please let me know and I'll take it down.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2009
Wed, 04-08-2009 - 3:09pm


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2008
Wed, 04-08-2009 - 6:37pm
wow me too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Wed, 04-08-2009 - 7:03pm

Thanks neverguessed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Thu, 04-09-2009 - 12:37am

I think mine fairly quickly ended up in remorse.


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2008
Thu, 04-09-2009 - 1:10pm
I agree with you that it takes a long time to move from guilt to remorse----my H took months--like 8-9 before it became clear that the guilt was destructive--I can remember clearly our first MC session--I am holding a one month old baby and the MC tells H that he can not "do" MC til he cuts off ties with OW. It was comical the look on H face when he realized he was the only one in the room that thought having a "girlfriend" while going through MC was a GOOD idea.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2008
Thu, 04-09-2009 - 5:25pm

Very powerful words. Since my H kept this a secret for 5 years, I feel he compartmentalized and hid this disgusting secret ......My man of integrity went right done the tubes! As long as he tucked this awful thing he did away, and they together ended "it", all was ok. I would never find out. RIGHT!!

I think he had guilt for so long, he finally couldn't take it any longer. He became mean, boring, self centered for about 6 months. I could not for the life of me figure out what was wrong with him . I finally broke down and cried and said :
1- You must have a girlfriend
2- You don't love me anymore OR
3- you have a serious illness and are afraid to tell me.
I told him I was going to counseling for ME because I could not figure him out, and I was getting depressed. Took him 1 week to finally confess.........what a total shock to me.......still is after 13 months.......I appreciate reading this post as I feel better knowing H went from Classic Guilt to what I firmly believe now is Remorse. Our life is better, and he has to stay out of the guilt mode, and remain consciously remorseful . He is ashamed of himself for the amount of hurt he caused me and continues to work hard at keeping us
'healthy" in our marriage.
Good post. Thanks