REVENGE AND ANGER

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2008
REVENGE AND ANGER
57
Wed, 01-14-2009 - 4:57pm

Wow, there's been a lot of anger and talk of revenge on this board recently.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2003
Thu, 01-15-2009 - 10:23am
There is no double standard, TOS is the same for everyone who joins iVillage--we all agreed to abide by it when we joined.

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Thu, 01-15-2009 - 11:08am

I've been following this post with much interest. Emotions are high (esteem low). We are all suffering. In a way, we are all brothers and sisters in this awful betrayal. If there was ever a time for an open mind and an opportunity for compassion. Now is it.

Quick recap on me. DW had thee emotional affairs which led up to her seducing her high school sweetheart at her 20th reunion this past May. DW asked me for a divorce in July. I was brought up to speed by DW two weeks later about her affairs.

I confronted all of these men personally. All of them were married at the time. The man DW had the PA with is now divorced. They both re-developed feelings for each other during the A. At various points over the past six months, I wanted to hurt each of them, DW and myself.

The discussion of Justice VS Revenge is an important one on these boards. From my own experience, Justice is an important opportunity for growth and healing. Revenge is a insatiable animal. Always hungry. Never full. I can continue to punish some of these guys but I'll never be happy. Justice for me was telling their spouses and their clergy (which I have have two more clergy to contact but will do so shortly). If they stay away from DW now, I don't feel like I will need to do much further. The man who had the PA with my spouse apologized. I've spoken to him three times now. His punishment was having me tell him about the other three guys. (he thought they had something special.) I did lie to him. I told him that like him, the other men didn't used condoms either. I'll let him stew on that a bit, just like I had to all these months about him. I told him about the humiliation of being checked for STDs when my DW's vagina began to itch and she developed a sore throat. I failed to mention the negative results.

This last conversation just last week, I told OM that I contacted his clergy. I said it in remorseful tones. He accepted it and inquired about the other men. I told him when and how DW met them and how long she was with each of them. How DW gave each of them phony names. His was April. This was a two edge sword for me. I got in a little dig. But more importantly. I think this closed the door for him about his fantasy about my wife and how they were going to live happily-every-after. I don't think I'll be seeing of hearing from him again. He sounded very hurt about this information.

DW is behaving very good at the moment. Despite my little shenanigans with OM. I feel what we are really being honest with each other and working things out. I'm behaving better toward her. Much better.

Any thoughts?

Thomas

5 kids ages 15-9, D Day: August 5, 2008

Status: Rebuilding

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2008
Thu, 01-15-2009 - 11:12am

Just wanted to say good advice california


also its good to get counseling and see a lawyer, slow down and don't act in haste.


if you retain an attorney to go after OM just realize it may take 5 plus years to litigate.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2008
Thu, 01-15-2009 - 11:40am

Hey - thanks for chiming in.

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Thu, 01-15-2009 - 12:01pm

Thanks for that post. I don't recommend contacting the OM. I think that my wife's OM may be a special case in that other than the A. He's probably a decent guy. By talking to him, he became less of a boogie man. We actually began to laugh about other issues toward the end of the discussion. I've hardly thought of him this whole past week in those really negative terms that I used to think of. I don't want to harm him anymore.

Relief! That's the word I'm looking for. I feel some relief from my anger.

My sister in Law contacted him last July and told him out of the blue that I was on his trail and that DW didn't want him to contact her anymore. He began to cry and told her that he "was going to hell." In Sept, I wrote him a letter telling him that if I could find a way to pardon him, that his God should be able to also. (that is not to say that I had but that I was working on it) I found that by giving him this gift, a gift that I knew he wanted but didn't deserve, that the hate between us evaporated in time. Have you thought about writing the OM spouse and telling her how hurt you were about the A and how you are trying to rebuild and that it's awful. That your sorry that someone in your family caused them hurt... It might soften her heart.

Just a thought.

Thomas

5 kids ages 15-9, D Day: August 5, 2008

Status: Rebuilding




Edited 1/15/2009 12:02 pm ET by pater_familia

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2007
Thu, 01-15-2009 - 12:21pm

WHEW! Just saw this one. Wow.

I think there are some valid points in that article, but as one poster said, my opinion is also that the most helpful parts are probably around and below where it says "Here the big question is...". I agree with the overall ideas that "living well is the best revenge", that staying focused on the other person only continues to give them power over us, and that the focus needs to be put back onto the WS in figuring things out, and if you're rebuilding, that the focus needs to be on the WS and the marriage in order to make any improvements.

I do have to say though that there were two things in that article that "struck a nerve" with me. Where I have some thoughts on those, and was hoping you don't mind if I express those here. Please know I'm not trying to debate with you personally... just hoping you don't mind if we discuss some of the topics in the article.

There's this one:

<>

Ok- first thing, calling it a cheating "episode" rubs me the wrong way. Sounds like it's minimizing it. And blaming the BS- that one is a big pet peeve of mine. People don't cheat because of their betrayed spouse or something that the BS did or did not do. A wayward spouse cheats because of something within THEM, where they made the CHOICE to cheat. Otherwise, they could have just left. And I actually think that the article contradicts itself a little bit in saying this. Why?

<

Or was it just the other person who was seducing and controlling your man or woman?>>

I totally agree that the WS is at least equally if not MORE to blame than the affair partner. In this sentence from the article, it seems to be saying that the WS has RESPONSIBILITY for their part in the affair in comparison to the affair partner, because the WS was "exercising" their mind and feelings (free will). If that's true, then why doesn't the same thing hold true when looking at the WS in comparison to the BS? If the WS is "to blame" in the one context, then why not "to blame" when the WS is being compared to the BS?

<>

This I also agree with, but I think it also ties in to what I said above. If you eliminate this particular affair partner, that's not going to stop the WS from cheating again with someone else. What DOES stop it is the WS dealing with whatever was going on within them that caused them to lean towards making that choice. And that in my opinion also "goes" when you're looking at the marriage. It's not changes that the BETRAYED spouse makes that "keeps" the WS from cheating again... it's the changes that the WS makes to themselves. It is not about anything the BS did or didn't do.

And I think the other part that probably bothered some here was the "psychological analysis of the BS" portion. Do you have the source of this article? Who wrote it? While I will agree that some of those types of emotions may come into for some BSs, I do find the wording and interpretation of that to be an oversimplification, and well, offensive.

A lot of the anger a BS feels is "reasonable" in my opinion. It is part of a very human, natural reaction. And I seriously do not think that only "jealous, possessive, controlling" people feel that sort of anger when they are faced with this. I can think of some other reasons that betrayed spouses feel anger towards the other person. One of them being, it's easier to turn that anger towards the affair partner than it is to place it on the person you loved and trusted. And frankly, whether the other person was a stranger to you or not, messing around with someone else's spouse is a just plain STINKY thing to do to someone. I don't even think there would be many (or ANY) affair partners that would even try to claim that they did something "nice" to or for the betrayed spouse when they had an affair with their spouse. I think a lot of betrayed spouses have some pretty reasonable anger toward the other person, because having an affair with someone's spouse is a lousy thing to do to any other human being.

I think that's why the anger can be difficult for a lot of BSs. You have "good reason" to have some anger towards BOTH of them (if the affair partner KNEW the person was married), and sometimes you might find yourself placing too large of a portion of that on the affair partner's head, because sometimes it's too hard to think about what our spouses did to us. I know I for one had to spend some time "sorting out" that anger myself.

Anyway, I do agree California that on the message board everyone can "take what they like and leave the rest". And I'm looking at the article kind of that way myself too... I do think there are some good points in it in places, and some helpful suggestions, and I'm just going to ignore the parts that rubbed me the wrong way. (Still curious about the source though!). :)

Take care-

Val

Val                                   &n

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2008
Thu, 01-15-2009 - 1:13pm

To be honest, I googled "revenge on the other woman" a few months ago.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Thu, 01-15-2009 - 4:17pm

YOU ARE SO RIGHT VAL - IT ALL HAS TO DO WITH THE OM OR OW KNOWING THAT THE OTHER PERSON WAS MARRIED. THE KEY WORDS HERE ARE MARRIED AND KNOWING.

IT IS HARD TO SIMPLY CONDONE ANOTHER PERSON ENTERING INTO A RELATIONSHIP WITH A MARRIED PERSON. I HAVE SAID IT BEFORE AND I WILL SAY IT AGAIN, IF THE PERSON IS UNHAPPY WHY NOT LEAVE - AT LEAST THAT WAY YOU ARE SHOWING INTEGRITY AND LEAVING YOUR SPOUSE WITH DIGNITY.

WHILE THERE WERE POINTS I AGREED WITH I FELT THE TONE WAS CONDISENDING AND DEMEANING, MY TAKE ONLY.

THE KEY HERE IS, MANY MANY POSTERS ARE HURTING BECAUSE THEY ARE RAW - WHEN YOU ARE IN THIS KIND OF PAIN IT IS DIFFICULT TO BE ABLE TO SIT DOWN AND BE RATIONAL. HECK, IF WE WERE ALL THAT STOIC ABOUT OUR SITUATIONS THERE WOULD BE A GREAT DEAL MANY MORE DIVORCES IN OUR COURTS TODAY. MANY OF US REACT ON AN EMOTIONAL LEVEL, WE LOVE THE GUY, WE THINK. WE ARE IN SHOCK. HOW COULD ANY PERSON KNOWINGLY BRING ON THIS KIND OF PAIN TO HIS/HER ENTIRE FAMILY.

LEAVING OVER INFIDELITY IS A PERSONAL CHOICE, AND NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO DEMEAN ANY OF OUR CHOICES. THIS IS NOT THE BOARD FOR THAT. AGAIN MY OPINION.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2009
Thu, 01-15-2009 - 10:48pm

The kids now and I am refsuing to answer any questions right now. They have so many questions and fears, I just tell that that I love them and I will take care of them...


Raging_Bull...aka jack

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 12:31am

JACK:

your children are fortunate that they have a father who loves them; i have children also and would NEVER, EVER, do anything to alter their opinion of me. the way we carry ourselves as their parents is what helps them become the adults they will be.

this is a sensitive road you are walking on my friend. keeping their security upfront and foremost while trying to live with the pain, the damn heartbreaking pain of it all. i have been there. my daughter, at the age of 16, (our baby girl) found out about my husbands affairs and the fact he fathered an illegitimate daughter 3 years into our then 27 year marriage nearly drove her over the edge. she had been the perfect child - straight A student, leader in the community, Captain of her high school basketball team, Coach to special needs children, his betrayal was not only to me but to his children as well. it sent her into a deep depression and then into bouts of anger. it took constant communication, a great deal of love, honesty about the way i was feeling (she was so concerned about me) to bring her back from that dark place.

but there is hope. while their relationship is forever altered they are working on it. she is back to her old self. she is my heart. in all honesty, she saved my life - i was not as together as you, i wanted out of this life. i, like you, was faced with one demeaning fact after another. i got to a point where i just did not want to wake up to one more bad day.

i am praying for you. keep posting, many of us here care