REVENGE AND ANGER

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2008
REVENGE AND ANGER
57
Wed, 01-14-2009 - 4:57pm

Wow, there's been a lot of anger and talk of revenge on this board recently.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2007
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 12:43am

I just want to say to EVERYONE on this board to explore ALOT of the posts.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2008
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 8:27am

I stand by my decision to post here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2009
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 9:41am

I have to keep it together for my kids. I look at what has happened to them in this last week and it kills me. My littlest one Sara really misses her mother. My oldest daughters are so pissed that are screaming at each other. My middle one has become very quiet. She was the family gossip, I worry about her the most.


Jack....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 11:03am

I agree that 100% of the responsibility for your spouse's actions belong to the WS, however, 100% of the OW/M's actions belongs to the OW/M and those actions contributed as much as the WS's to the potential demise of my M and to my and my children's pain and anguish as we recovered from the EA. So, I do very much hold OW responsible along with DH for almost destroying my life.

Many BS who have just survived a Dday and are trying to rebuild often place all of their rage at the OW/M's doorstep, but as they cycle through the stages, more often the WS gets the brunt of it. The thing is that we can talk to the WS, we can let them know how we feel, we can ask them questions, they apologize, they try to make it right, and even if they fail and the M ends, we were able to get some answers, we were able to come to some sort of understanding and the anger dissipates. Most often, the BS cannot do this with the OW/M. This other person who secretly insinuated themselves into our lives causing our M to destruct, our self-esteem to bottom out and our world to come crashing down around our ears we often don't have access to and cannot vent our pain and we cannot get a reasonable answer to why and how it happened. What do you do with that anger? Eventually, we are able to let go of the anger and we do move past it, but it does take time.

Those of us who have come through the fire need to have patience with those who are still there. They don't need preaching to or blaming, they need understanding and a safe place to vent. They need to know that their anger is understandable and normal and how to safely deal with that anger. They need to know that they can and will survive this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2007
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 11:21am

FYI, I am in rebuilding, not in the early stages and maybe you should take the time to

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2007
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 11:24am

AMEN SISTA!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2008
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 11:30am

Whoa!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2009
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 11:47am

I just feel like I got run over by a train...Lots of little pieces of me everythwere...


Jack....

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2008
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 11:55am
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 2:12pm

you know california i have taken the time to read over all of your posts and i am left confused.

your initial post, was, whether you are able to realize it or not, very judgemental of those, like me, who have stayed thru many betrayals. i am thinking, since your perspective is different from many of us here, that perhaps you do not realize that what you are intimating about us being stupid for staying -( i am paraphrasing here) is that WE have said these words to OURSELVES. i can only speak for myself but believe me often times when i look in the mirror or sometimes/ most times when i look at him - stop, and for just a moment think 'what the hell am i still doing here'. i mean this man has denegrated me in every way humanly possible yet i chose to stay and help him on this journey thru testicular cancer I MUST BE OUT OF MY FRIGGIN MIND. do you not think we wanted better, more from our spouses? do you not think we wanted to stay in our little cocoon of marriage? we did not, like you did not, ask for this - NO, it was as if we were going thru our day there was knock on the door and when we opened it the grim reaper stepped in and tore our hearts out from our body. once the shock was over we looked around, still dazed and were faced with a decision. we all, in our own way, are trying to do what we can to get thru this mess. we are stumbling around looking for peace and happiness. we are praying, me against all odds, that we will be able to survive and hopefully find the peace we all deserve.

i think, this my opinion, you, like we, are struggling with the fact that your wife gave to another man something that was special and sacred. you and she had gone to a special place within the confines of that bedroom - you had given her ecstasy as she had done for you------ you were hers and she was yours. how could she go there with someone else. how could she disrespect you, your marriage, your children, the life you had built together. i know this feeling - believe me. me unlike most know all of the dirty details, (isn't it funny how i call then dirty when i describe what he did with her, yet sacred and special what we did together). i read the emails in which they relived their times together. graphic details, details that scarred my heart, mind, and spirit.

i have a dear friend i met on this this board called gwtwfan, she left her husband, she filed for divorce. she had the strength and made the decision to do what was best for her. yet, never, not once has she ever, or have any of the posters here ever made me feel like a mindless idiot for staying. no, instead, they are here for me - giving me the space to vent, the shoulders to cry on, the words of love and care.

i am thinking that you are a hurt soul there california, so hurt that you probably can not find the words. so in your initial post you typed words of bravado and macho - when in reality you are like the rest of us. simply trying to find your own way.

again i apologize for calling you a - - . i was wrong. i was doing what i should not - judging you.

i would like to offer a suggestion - i offer it with the best intentions. perhaps if you type words from your heart you might, just might be able to let go of some of the pain. something tells me you are not a bad guy, just a guy searching to make sense of an unbelievable act of betrayal.

OH AND BY THE WAY I AM IN CALIFORNIA MYSELF, SAN DIEGO ------- SOME LEVITY HERE -------- HELL, I COULD BE YOUR NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR.

kathleen