Rules go out the window

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2014
Rules go out the window
9
Thu, 01-16-2014 - 9:59am

I have been trying REALLY REALLY hard to keep my emotions in check. I have been reading Runaway Husbands by Vikki Stark, journaling and going to counseling. I'm strong and angry. Once he comes over to see the kids I fall apart into a puddle on the floor. I want answers. I want to talk about it. I cry. I yell. He doesn't want to give me answers. He doesn't want to talk about it. He runs away. 

Every strategy that I have read or been told to use goes right out the window when it's time to put them in action. I feel like I take five steps forward only to fold and take ten steps backwards. 

I can't do this. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2007
Thu, 01-16-2014 - 12:14pm

Sorry you are going thru this.  Yes you can do this!!! Print up a copy of the 180 list and keep it with you at all times..I still have it in my purse as of today as XBF is going today to his biopsy follow up and I got this terrible urge to text him “good luck”..I looked at my 180 list and did not..I cannot have anything to do with him.

Is there a way you can drop off kids to his place so you don’t have to look at him???I know it’s hard with the kids but you have to follow thru with the 180...If you have to fall into a puddle on the floor, try to do it without him around.  I did the same thing with XH, who had a 5 year affair.  I would be on the floor bawling and would stand over me with a cold stare.  Now he is alone…Scarified our happiness for someone who is not around nowadays (Or at least I think not but I do not talk to him)

You can can can do this!!! Sending out prayers and hugs!!!!!!

Trust me it gets easier. Going thru this twice I know…You are strong and can get thru this.. Good luck and post as much as you can..We are here for you

Christy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Thu, 01-16-2014 - 4:07pm

Honey,  I know how hard it is, especially when you are still trying to hold it together for your kids.  You still have the responsibilities of taking care of the kids, getting them up and off to school, meals, laundry, housework, etc. And you feel like here he is just going on with his life like he doesn't have a care in the world.....YET but believe me, he WILL reap what he's sown.

  If he has one shred of morality left in him( and that's a BIG if), one day it will all come crashing down on him. But honestly, given that he's cheated before, he seems to have a seared conscience toward what is right, fair and morally decent. Right now, all he cares about is HIM. Its all about him and what he wants. He has rationallized everything in his mind that its ok to do what he's doing. Don't expect any answers from him, don't expect to understand any of this. You can't make sense of something that absolutely makes NO sense.  Yes, the very least the WS could do is give you answers and at the very least be kind, but they won't and they aren't.  Its crazy; they did this to us, yet don't even have the common decency to be nice. My XH did exactly the same thing.  I was totally in awe that a man who I treated so well, did everything for could cheat on me and then be the nastiest, most hateful sob in any and every way he could. But that's what they do when its 'all about them'. 

Christy is right about the 180 List. Keep a copy of it with you at all times. Remember that although following it may never cause him to 'see the light', see what he's doing to his family, and do the right thing, it will help you to cope with all your doing through and make you a stronger person. I agree with Christy~can you drop them off so you don't have to deal with him? At first when I just couldn't handle it, I had my mom or a friend there who would go to the door when he came to get the kids.

Have you seen an attorney yet? If not, please do so asap to get temporary visitation arrangements, temporary child support, temporary posssession of the house and property, vehicles, alimony, etc set in place.  DO NOT let him bully you into anything. That's one of the tactics his attorney will tell him to do to catch you off guard while you are emotional, not thinking clearly and as horrible as it sounds because sometimes we think by giving into them, they will see how fair and nice we are being and rethink wanting a divorce.

You are in counseling and that's terrific. Have you seen a dr to get tested for STDs and possibly to get something to help with the trauma and anxiety you're going through?  If not, you may want to consider it. Just because you are prescribed an antidepressant or antianxiety med, doesn't mean you have to be on it forever or that you will become hooked on it. Some people are totally against them but you have to do what is right for YOU. Everyone is different and it doesn't mean you're weak because you need help to take the edge off things. I had never taken anything like that before and never had any intention of doing so.....until my exH's affair and desertion. Then my DD's dr, who is a neurological pediatrician at one of the most well known hospitals and universities in this country explained to me exactly how this kind of trauma affects your brain chemistry and how under a drs. supervision, it is completely safe.  This dr is NOT a quack or a med pusher; she's a well known, well respected doctor, who specializes in and does ground breaking research.  I finally listened to her and was I ever glad I did.  The meds made all the difference in the world. I was able to cope, think clearly and feel like ME again....without being loopy, drowsy, high or hooked. Explain the situation to your dr and that you have children and he/she will work with you to find what is right for you.  In regards to meds, decisions you have to make regarding the divorce, in all aspects of this iust don't let anyone , including me, tell you :Here's what I'd do if I were you'....They AREN'T you.

But one thing all of us here can do is support you and maybe help you avoid some of the mistakes we made during the divorce process and give you our insight as we've 'been there'.  One thing I want to stress to you is that you CAN do this, you WILL make it through it and one day it will all be behind you.  You and your children deserve better than this serial cheater in your lives.  Don't torture yourself with the why's and if's.  He's shown you exactly what he's made of...believe him.  I found out that it was crazy to keep asking the same questions over and over when I knew I was going to get the same answers or none at all.

Follow the 180 List as best you can and don't beat yourself up if you falter. Just start over again asap.  In this case, as in mine, the less contact you have with him, the better.  I know how very hard all this is and you're in my prayers.  I do promise you it will get better!  GW

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2002
Thu, 01-16-2014 - 9:14pm

GW, your responses are always so wise and right on target.  Im sure your support is so important to others going thru this aweful pain.  Keep up the good work!  LisaChilene

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2002
Thu, 01-16-2014 - 9:29pm

I completely understand.  How can they be so cruel and insensitive when we are looking for answers, a shread of decency, resonible communication?  It kills your soul.  Reading the 180 is important and i have tried following it.  Then sometimes I've failed and hated myself.  DON"T HATE YOURSELF!  The 180 is an important guide.  But when we are vulnerable and devasted, we can't always do what we are "supposed" to do.  Getting stronger takes time.  So if you fall on the floor and cry and scream and yell, well sometimes you just cant help it.  Hang in there, even if it is just by your fingernails.  This will get better.  You will feel stronger, I promise.  And someday that 180 won't be just a guide, it will be a lifestyle.  He will get what he deserves.  Which is the perfect retribution.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Thu, 01-16-2014 - 11:49pm

Lisa,  Bless your heart! Thank you so much for the kind words. I hope my posts are helpful to others. If I can save anyone a bit of the pain and confusion by sharing my experiences, that's what I want to do and let them know they're not alone in what they're feeling. But it does get better with time.

Usually the WS's that don't beg for forgiveness and want to rebuild become so hateful, mean and downright evil that by the time the divorce is final, any love you feel for them is gone. That's how it was in my case for sure. After it was final, about 6 mos later, he had an 'ah ha' moment and screamed at me that I just went and filed for divorce and didn't even give him time to think! A little late for that, buddy. He said "I know you wish I was dead!"  I just laughed and said, "Dead? Oh, no. Dead men can't pay alimony." He's still upset that the judge ruled he had to pay me alimony for life.  Not only did his  little fling with his coworker (who dumped him once he wasn't making a 6-figure income anymore)  cost him his home, family, job, respect, his kids, security, a huge pension and property, he's making monthly payments for it the rest of my life. Heck, most mortgages are for 30 years max. I don't think that piece of construction site trash was worth a lifetime of payments.  Oh yeah, and his vasectomy he was getting 'for me' also went wrong.  There's a high cost to low living. The WS's do reap what they sow.  And sometimes, if you leave it to Him and don't try to avenge yourself, God even gives you a front row seat to watch the show!  GW

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Thu, 01-16-2014 - 11:49pm

Lisa,  Bless your heart! Thank you so much for the kind words. I hope my posts are helpful to others. If I can save anyone a bit of the pain and confusion by sharing my experiences, that's what I want to do and let them know they're not alone in what they're feeling. But it does get better with time.

Usually the WS's that don't beg for forgiveness and want to rebuild become so hateful, mean and downright evil that by the time the divorce is final, any love you feel for them is gone. That's how it was in my case for sure. After it was final, about 6 mos later, he had an 'ah ha' moment and screamed at me that I just went and filed for divorce and didn't even give him time to think! A little late for that, buddy. He said "I know you wish I was dead!"  I just laughed and said, "Dead? Oh, no. Dead men can't pay alimony." He's still upset that the judge ruled he had to pay me alimony for life.  Not only did his  little fling with his coworker (who dumped him once he wasn't making a 6-figure income anymore)  cost him his home, family, job, respect, his kids, security, a huge pension and property, he's making monthly payments for it the rest of my life. Heck, most mortgages are for 30 years max. I don't think that piece of construction site trash was worth a lifetime of payments.  Oh yeah, and his vasectomy he was getting 'for me' also went wrong.  There's a high cost to low living. The WS's do reap what they sow.  And sometimes, if you leave it to Him and don't try to avenge yourself, God even gives you a front row seat to watch the show!  GW

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Fri, 01-17-2014 - 2:41am

 Tell yourself you will allow the emotions no more control over you.  You are experiencing program deletion.  Time to reboot with a new program.  It is easier. 

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2014
Sat, 02-08-2014 - 6:03pm
GW... You have so much great sensible advice !!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Sat, 02-08-2014 - 8:37pm

Aww, thank you so much, Luminita.:)  I received so much help  from so many wise men and women on this board when I was going through my xH's affair and the divorce.  I hope I can pay it forward to help others from what I've learned.  I can never even begin to thank peace, ollie, Kathleen, fivediamondwife,  myradorn ,solazzo, pater familia and so, so many others.  Because all these wonderful people ,whom I will most likely never meet, gave me their love, support, prayers and very valuable info on every aspect of infidelity and divorce, I not only survived it; I came out of it a stronger person. I owe a great deal to everyone here.