Sad, angry, CONFUSED...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2011
Sad, angry, CONFUSED...
Tue, 12-13-2011 - 12:49am
I had suspected 8 months ago that my husband of 11 months was carrying on an inappropriate relationship with a co-worker. I found text and a hand written note from her. I confronted both of them and got the response that they are just friends, that I'm crazy, and insecure. None the less my husband assured me that he would not speak to her anymore because nothing was worth risking our relationship. My husband is a doctor and the woman worked directly under him. Against my better judgement I tried to believe him. I did not ever see another text or call to or from her on his phone. I had no actual proof and I wanted to believe him, although we fought almost every day when he'd leave for work. That was the only thing we fought about. He assured me that I had nothing to worry about. The woman sent me a message on Facebook in September telling how much I look like a full that while I'm "pretending" to the world on fb how great my life and marriage is, that I in fact have no clue what's going on in my marriage. After that blow up fight about that, he changed his schedule to no longer work with her... Still assuring me that she's crazy. Well a week ago tonight I pulled up his cell phone records for the past year and found out that they text each other about 100+ times a day and had been since before we got married and ended the day she emailed me. I don't know how I missed it. My husband is 39, I am 30, the OW is 43. Not to be concieted but I am fairly attractive, I'm a good wife, take care of our 5 boys while works all the time, and have sex with him AT LEAST 3 times a day, EVERY DAY. When I presented him the phone records, he sticks with they were just friends- she was nice. We never fought about anything except his "relationship" with her. I'm so lost, so angry, so hurt, and never felt more betrayed. He insists they were only friends and he's sorry he ever knew her. He doesn't seem to think he owes me an explanation past that. From September til last week our marriage has been damn near perfect, but what about the previous 9 months? I don't know what to think, what to feel, or what I'm suppose to do.... Any words of wisdom, advice, help would be greatly appreciated. I don't want don't want my family ripped apart but I don't know IF I can get past this... Please help :(
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2006
Tue, 12-13-2011 - 8:47pm

You're not alone. It has nothing to do with you, most likely it is him. I mean, 3 times a day, are you serious?? I think you, like me, should call a therapist, and a good one right away. I don't know how to get past these feelings without professional help. Your husband absolutely owes you an explanation and you need to push him on that. You didn't do anything wrong, he did, and he definitely has some explaining to do. I hate when they say "she's nice". REALLY? Because I want to f'n kill her, I think she is a monster!!! I doubt your H cares about her, because he seems to have dumped her the minute she showed her crazy & tried to out him to you.

I know what you mean, sad, angry, confused. I think I am a smart girl but this is too much for me I can barely put my thoughts together. Therapist. Now. And if he will agree & you want to save your marriage, then couples counseling. Though it doesn't seem like he is ready to come clean yet. You need to tell him that he is putting your marriage in jeopardy and you will not put up with it. Don't put up with it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2011
Tue, 12-13-2011 - 11:38pm
I am very serious! What's crazier is that everyone envies what we "have". He is so loving, so caring... Takes the best care of me, is my very best friend. I truly can't believe how he has betrayed me. I just don't think I'll ever get past it enough to ever look him in the eye again. As for her- she's plain trash. I almost feel sorry for the dumb B! sure didn't mind being kept a secret and being a lie for however long. But at the end of the day, he's the one that betrayed me and I swear I hate him for it. Appointment already made!! Although, I don't need to pay someone to tell me he has issues- that's VERY CLEAR!!! :) good luck to you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Wed, 12-14-2011 - 2:37am
You are wonder woman! 5 kids and a great libido! Kudos to you. I think that affairs go beyond our character, our looks or sexual prowess because the affair has nothing to do with you. It's all about him, his wants, what he feels he is entitled to. He liked the outside attention from someone very different from you, the validation she gave him, the ego strokes. Those are his issues that he needs to deal with from the roots.

He owes you any explanation you ask for whenever you ask for it. He brought the woman into your marriage therefore she is fair game. You cannot go forward until you make sense of the past. Once you feel satisfied with the answers you seek, then and only then can you work towards leaving the tragedy where it belongs. He has to cooperate. If he isn't willing, then there is your answer.

Your life is your life. No one really will ever know what goes on at your house but you. That OW only knows what she has been told and in all likelihood, it was very distorted. I think as women we have a tendency to look to the bright side. It can always be/get worse right? There are problems and challenges in every marriage and the truth is your marriage and my marriage are no one else's business.

I think that you need to basically tell him what ou need and why. This isn't a "I'm sorry" scenario and you carry on. This is a "you've just had your house blown down to the dirt" and it will take both of you to rebuild your house if that is what you choose. You cannot do it alone. Unfortunately it seems that many men seem to minimize the devastation of their affair- after all - she means nothing, and "no" I don't want to be her and "no" I don't want a divorce. My little visit to an attorney woke him up very quick. He tried to tell me how it was going to go down post split. But he was wrong this time. I knew exactly how it was going to go. I knew what my rights were, how I would live, what custody would look like. When he realized that a divorce was a very real possibility and that he truly risked his families future he woke up.

You can get past whatever you put your mind to. Younare wonder woman after all. You control yourself. You will have to tell him what you expect, no exceptions and let him decide what he is going to do. He carries the greater burden in my opinion as he destroyed your trust and if he thinks being a doctor is demanding.... His marriage and kids need to command his every moment until he rights his wrongs and atones for what he did.

get tested for STD's.

Be very careful when choosing our therapist. Not every therapist is a good match. They are still people with opinions and biases. the challenge I found was that when I really needed to talk my appt was days away. By then an entire new set of thoughts and emotions were present. I did like being able to confide in an unrelated person. Counseling did reaffirm to me that I was sane, thinking rationally and logically. That my thought processes made sense, etc. I needed that when I felt I was going insane at times!

I am sending you a big hug and warm thoughts. I hope your journey takes you where you want it to. Don't give up.