Scared and Sad- Found out today

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2009
Scared and Sad- Found out today
Sun, 03-22-2009 - 11:12am

Hello everyone...

I'm new to these boards. I just found them today while I was looking for a little peace of mind.

I have been married for a little less than 2 years. I have noticed a little bit of a difference in my husband over the past few months. He's also been mentioning a woman at work a lot. I've heard that if you listen to them they'll "tell you" who they're cheating with.

The change in him scared me and so I did something bad. I snooped. I grabbed his cell phone one night after he was asleep. I saw several text messages (maybe 20-30 over the past two months) from the girl he works with. He's mentioned her before. She asked him out on a date once and then realized he was married and backed off for a while I guess. I thought that was the end of the story. But it wasn't.

Some of them were innocent- just a hello or a have a good day. Most were flirty. In a few she asked him to go on a date. I'd read the text that would say somehting like, "Hey- want to go to blah-blah tonight?" Then see the next one that would say, "Oh, we'll just have to try again next weekend." Then I saw one text, from about a month ago that said, "I had a fun time last" and then thanked him for buying drinks. He never told me about this evening with her (they may have been in a group- the message was a little vague). And the night that she referenced is sort of a blur for me- I can't remember that far back. Several messages were thanking him for bringing her lunch or coffee. And a few were telling him that she hoped he enjoyed the coffee she brought for him.

I've asked him about her and he said he wasn't attracted to her. I asked why she had his number and he said it was for work reasons. (He does have all of his coworker's phone numbers so this may be true. Or may have been true in the beginning.)

I want to confront him about this. But I know that if I do he'll FREAK out about me going through his phone. I'm sure that many of you have been in a similar predicament.

What did you do to confront him? And what the heck should I say to him when I do?

I'm scared and so sad. I wish I could just crawl into a hole and die. Or that I could press rewind and go back to a year ago when he seemed to be all about me. I miss him. I don't want to leave him. But I'm also on my last nerve. I don't think I can do it though.

Thanks for your help. Thanks for taking the time to read through such a long message.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2007
Sun, 03-22-2009 - 12:40pm

I hate to say it but having been through this twice I would keep my mouth shut until I had conclusive proof.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sun, 03-22-2009 - 1:07pm
at Do you have access to his e- mail account(s)? If so you could look for further evidence if something is going on? If not you could keep an eye on his texts. I would say there is possibly an EA going on here, and if not an EA there is for sure an attraction/ inappropriate relationship between them. You could tell him you forgot to plug your phone in one nite and your phone ran out of battery power so you tried to use his and found the texts. That way it would not sound like you were purposely snooping.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
Sun, 03-22-2009 - 2:22pm
I agree that you shouldn't have a confrontation until you have proof.

"If something cannot go on forever, it will stop."  Herb Stein

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
Mon, 03-23-2009 - 8:58am
Just to add, cultures that successfully control adultery are cultures that do not allow for it to occur.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2009
Mon, 03-23-2009 - 9:25am

I want to thank all of you for your help and support. You became the brightest part of my day and allowed me to have a breath. I was able to breathe because of your support and advice.

I did not confront him about anything yet. I didn't bring up the subject at all. I wanted to make snotty little comments all evening but I held back.

I thought we had a wonderful marriage. I can't imagine what he's missing or cannot find within the boundaries of our marriage.

We have a very healthy sex life and that hasn't changed at all since this woman came into his life. (We have sex almost every day. Skipping a night here and there and sometimes more than once a day.) So I don't feel like it was sexually motivated. I honestly don't think he could handle much more... as he would be happy with two or three times a week and I'm the one that needs it more often. Our sex life has been consistent since we started our relationship.

We go out on dates a lot. We probably go out on "real" date once a week. (Where we leave the house and go out by ourselves.) And usually stay home to have an in house date night too. (Watching

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009
Mon, 03-23-2009 - 10:50am

I am so sorry for your pain. the 1st thing you need to know is that it's not your fault. This has to do w/his own flaws. My H and I also have a good marriage and he only now has recognized(after the 2nd affair) that it's all his fault. He likes the attention from other women b/c he never had that before. I would suggest that you let him see your pain so it becomes real to him. My H 's therapist recommended this( she's an infidelity expert) and it worked! After 10 days of him witnessing my agony, he finally took responsibility for his actions and is committed to therapy for the long haul. This took 2 yrs. for him to realize that he was going to lose me. Don't wait to get tough like I did. I was too understanding and afraid of losing him. But if he really loves you, and you set the conditions for him to remain in the marriage, he will do what you say.If he doesn't ,ask yourself this, why would you want to be w/someone who doesn't respect and cherish you?

Have him commit to therapy and let him see your agony. He is focused on his own needs and not the pain he has caused you.

Good luck, Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2008
Mon, 03-23-2009 - 11:17am

Hi neverguessed,

to answer your question in my husband's two cases, one a PA and one EA in both cases despite all the love and care at home he was getting, he, like I am sure many

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
Mon, 03-23-2009 - 11:26am
Sounds like your M is great on a basic level, congratulations for that.

"If something cannot go on forever, it will stop."  Herb Stein

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2009
Mon, 03-23-2009 - 2:40pm

I just noticed a GPS location tracker on my ATT cell phone website. Download it, pay 3.50 a month and I can see the GPS location of the other cell phones including HIS.

I havent enabled it, YET, however I am considering it.

If you need definative proof, keep a diary of his and your daily activity and see if you can enable the GPS tracking.

The att site also allows you to look at the number of text messages the numbers they were sent to and phone calls.

- Susan