Scheduled Councleing should he go alone?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Scheduled Councleing should he go alone?
6
Thu, 08-26-2010 - 1:28am

So I finally got my H to agree to go to MC/IC only after telling him not to come home.. it seems drastic

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Thu, 08-26-2010 - 7:04am

((((hugs))))

When I first went to IC for myself I asked the counselor if exh should start MC or IC first. She said he should start IC first because he is the one who chose to have an affair. He needed to deal with this and discover why he made the decision in the first place. He needed repaired before the marriage could be. Maybe you should ask the counselor what she/he thinks?

This is absolutely not your fault! You did not make him do this. He is a grown man who made the choice all by himself. He did not think of you or his family when he did this. It is a selfish act to have an A. If he had problems with you or the marriage he should have come to you first not look outside of your marriage. Having an A NEVER solves anything just makes it worse. That is a line of dodo that somehow you 'drove' him to this. It is sooo common for cheaters to try to blame the spouse for their affair. Somehow, in their minds, it lessens their guilt. I know, crazy right? The anger also serves the same purpose--lessens his guilt, in his mind. We know the truth! An A is all about them, a totally selfish act! Their destructive choices to start it and continue it lies solely with them.

Have you gone to IC? I know it really helped me as well as coming here to listen to the many wise women who have walked in my shoes before me.

Hang in there, take care of yourself and your children,

Ollie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2010
Thu, 08-26-2010 - 11:52am
When we decided to get counseling we both went in together for the first session of MC to tell the counselor what the problem was and then she met us each for IC one time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2009
Thu, 08-26-2010 - 1:13pm

Hi..


I agree with the other posters..The A is all your husbands fault...Dont let him make you feel responsible for something he did...


And the "his anger"..I dont know why when they are caught they are angry..When I questioned my H about one of the girls he was texting he went off the depend...at a later date when we talked about that incident he said he got sooo angry that time because he was scared.... He was scared of losing me.... Now we he had to go off on me and how he thought that would help who knows? Why not just say I am scared or whatever else instead of hiding behind angier?


Good luck to you...I would want to be in the counseling sessions too. My husband has gone with me in the past and those sessions were always the most useful..He would open up in counseling in a way that he wouldnt at home..


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Thu, 08-26-2010 - 4:48pm
Let him go alone.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 08-26-2010 - 6:44pm
Thank you all for your words. while it still remains to be seen if he will actually come home this weekend at all I will let him go alone. While it will kill me not to be a fly on the wall listening - he won't open up with me sitting there, there is no way he will even start to address his issues unless he can be open and honest with the therapist and have them tell him he was wrong. I just don't recognize the man he has become the lies the hiding the anger. He has more issues than he realizes to deal with not just the topic of his having an A.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Fri, 08-27-2010 - 12:12am
I know that feeling, wanting to be that fly on the wall.