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|Sat, 03-27-2010 - 11:37pm|
I posted all this on a reply to someone else's discussion and I wanted to post my own so as not to intrude on that persons needs. I am struggling so much though and need some support. I have a couple people who know about this but most don't and it is like torture trying to put on my happy face sometimes. I just found this board in looking for a place to get support and relate to people who are going through what I am. I too just found out that my husband did the ultimate and cheated on me. I found out by accidently seeing a text that said I had the place to myself the other night but you would not respond... I was like WTF?? I have two little girls, 4 & 2, and they were home so I calmly went to find my husband and confront him... he lied at first of course. He tried to say it was some guy at work but I am not an idiot and I told him he was totally lying.. I grabbed his phone back out of his hand and started looking through other messages.. something I wish I would have done first. The next one I found pretty much confirmed this was no guy at work, it was from my husband to his "friend" and it pretty much said something like cannot wait for you to blow your load.... yep... it was a man and there was no way around that... I finally got him to admit it and OMG I thought I would vomit. He tried to keep squirming out of it but I had him red handed. He ran to the basement and started crying and wailing I cannot live without you I don't want to live my life without you so all I could do was get my kids out of there before they realized something was going on. I think the 4 year old knew something was up but she did not know what. I just called my parents and told them we were having some problems and could they come and get my kids. They did and without too much question I scooted them out of here. For the next several hours I cried and screamed and asked questions. He said he went in chat rooms just to have some fun, never intending on taking it further... whatever... and then somehow he did and with a man.
So of course my first question was is he gay? I have asked him a 1000 times since I found out and he says no. No he is not but then why a man and he says I don't know. That is his answer for a lot of things. He did admit also that in college years ago he got in trouble with 900#'s and he did see a Psychiatrist back then and he thought he was over it but maybe it was all coming back again. I was like what? I guess his parents actually must have caught him or something and then they also were concerned that he had no friends and kept to himself too much so they set this up. This is the first I had heard of any of it. Ok... so much to wrap my head around.
I have always said no way no how would I put up with a cheater, you cheat and you are gone... well then I am standing in my kitchen as this is unfolding with my two girls in the next room and it is not so cut and dry. Uggg... what the hell do I do now.
Now things have been tough for us and we have been struggling for awhile but I thought we were on the same page in trying to work to make things better. 2 years ago we went to this marriage encounter weekend because we needed a boost and my husband has never been a good communicator. Well we came back feeling like we can start again and had the tools to do it... Boom went into work the next day and at about 2pm found out my job was being eliminated. Talk about a kick in the face. So that started a whole new ball of stress for me. I was the stronger income and had never been without a job since I was 17 and I am now 37. I was devastated and terrified.
Ok now to take you back to the beginning... we have been married almost 6 years... god help me my 6th anniversary is coming up in a few weeks. In that short amount of time we have endured a lot from him being laid up for over a month early in the dating process and stuck at my place because he lived 40 miles away and could not drive to his losing his job the summer before we got married, my Mom had a stroke 4 months before my wedding (she is not the same but ok now), we were pregnant 4 months after we got married... planned and very happy but quick start to a family. He finally found a full time job right after we found out we were pregnant but it was 2nd shift and I worked first. It made things tough for more than a year but we did it. Then came time for baby number 2 and we lost that baby at 7 weeks.. by the grace of God one time, the first time we were together not even two months after the miscarriage and we were pregnant with baby #3, now our second living child. Whew.. you with me... that was Sept. 2007 that she was born. We had a lot of problems with reflux and projectile vomiting daily for 18 months and she had some tremors so we had tests for that too, everything came out ok but it was stressful. Whew what an amazing ride right? Well obviously we had a lot to deal with and it did take its toll. He had severe mood swings and snapped at me a lot.. then I got angry and it turned into a lot of yelling and screaming.
Our intimate life suffered a lot of blows as we were super over cautious with the the 3rd pregnancy and never were together out of fear of something going wrong again. Then with 2 kids and both working full time at that time it was tough to have the energy and time to put into each other and then add his mood swings to ruin any mood that was there and yes our intimate life suffered.
Now I mentioned we went to that encounter, still really seemed to help for a while. Even though I lost my job, this was Aug. 2008 (still unemployed now too), we did ok for awhile. but the stress of that on me, his mood swings and the now toddler who is more like two kids in one she is so challenging and ornery, we just blew up with the stress way too often. So I was always looking for ways to help us and get us to a better place, my husband always seeming on the same page as me and would go along with anything I found for us to try including some anger seminars through our church that we just went through not 2-3 weeks ago. On the same page right oh and might I say that in the last month things in the bedroom seemed much better, he was making an effort to be better and I was too and we seemed to be reconnecting.... or so I thought. So when I saw this text should I have seen this coming?
I was still blown away and felt so stupid that I did not see this coming. I knew things were bad for awhile but not this bad. I am not working and I am either here when he gets home from work or I am here shortly after that because the kids nap about that time. He does not travel for work and although he bowls on 2 bowling leagues right now, one with my Dad, he does not do much socially without me. His family is not here and his best friend is in Tawain and lives 2 1/2 hours away normally anyway. And men do not keep in touch like we women so aside from work guys his friends are my friends and family. When could he cheat???
Now I also must say that even though he has these mood swings and a short fuse he still has always shown he loves me and our girls so much and made me feel like I was beautiful even when I knew I was not. Never put me down or made me feel less attractive so I knew even though we were struggling he did love me and never dreamed he would cheat. Or so I thought. Now I do not know anything.
So his story now that he was caught is this... he started going in these chat rooms on the computer, somehow connected with a guy and it must have given him pleasure, at some point he said a couple months ago and I now have confirmed it was Jan. he met this guy, only once and he did not actually have "sex" and did not give me details but led me to believe it was oral and nothing else. Still cheating but at least if that is true maybe less dangerous for him and me now that I have been with him since then not knowing. But do I believe him. My only saving grace here is like I said he does not have large blocks of time unaccounted for and this one time was after this bowling league that my Dad is not on but he bowls with guys from work and he apparently got in a quick meeting after. From looking at my phone bill and texts I traced it back to an evening Jan. So it seems as though it is true but who really knows what I might not be seeing or could be forgetting about other times he was a little late. He still swears it was only that once and he is not gay and he maintains there was no emotional connection that is only with me and he loves me and only me and wants to fight for our marriage 100%
I do not believe anything he says and think how can I? He shattered my whole world and I still cannot wrap my head around the guy thing...
We have started therapy and have had one session together and one each sep. I have struggled with the fact that I do love him, I know if I had to do it I could make it on my own with my kids and lots of family support that I do have, and I will not stay just for the kids, so I know I can make the decision for the right reasons but can I get past this? I want my marriage to work I want to get back to where we were in the beginning and we worked together through all we had to endure. I want to believe it is possible but is it? Can i ever trust him again.
The next big thing is what if through therapy he does realize oh wait I am gay and I do not want to be with my wife. I have put myself out there to be crushed again... and can I handle that. Can i put my kids through that.
He swears no he wants our live because he loves me and wants to be with me and not because is it safe and he is afraid to be alone. Can I believe that?
The therapist says it is possible to get past this if we both want to work toward that. He also has told me that my husband has been into porn and seems to be addicted and he let this addiction take over and he lost control of it and took to the level of cheating and he could be just acting out a fantasy and still be heterosexual. Ok so it is possible. Makes me feel a little better but is that the case? And if so will he give it all up? Can he? he says yes but again can I believe him?
I did send a text to this number on his phone and said this game is over... the person texted back what game? I said he is married and your little meetings are over. My husband got his phone back then and at the time did not know I did that but I told him I did and he said the person sent back like they were trying to act like they did not know the number I was texting from... whatever. I took the phone and changed the number then ASAP. The cell phone is in my name because I already had one when we got together and then just eventually added him. So I was totally pissed that this could be traced to me. Supposedly this other person does not know his real full name and did not know he was married or anything about us... I do not know what to believe but I do know people can find you if you they want to these days. I have checked the phone a lot and I will be checking the next bill but he swears that was it and he has not contacted this guy again and won't. I have seen no sign of it but he can easily delete stuff from his phone so the bill will tell all. He was pretty scared to death so I am hoping he knows he better not have given this person the new number.
I am stuck not knowing what to do, how to feel and I totally relate to every word people are saying here and then some.
How are we to trust them again and if they love us so much and want only us... why did they cheat? I too am afraid to tell people for the shame and embarrassment and what if we do get through this I cannot work through this and find a way to forgive him and then have all these people around me who don't and who will judge him and put more pressure on us. Only my sister, my best friend and his sister now know about this. His sister does not know about that guy part of it... that was too much to bare. I had to have someone to talk to and I only told my sister because she is going through something similar. He probably has not cheated in a physical sense her husband but he has a long time friend that she feels he is crossing the line with but he has maintained he has done nothing wrong he is just helping her out because she is in a bad marriage and has kids.. blaa blaa... so I knew she would understand. She had been confiding in me and then boom... joke was on me when my husband actually did cheat on me.
So I find myself without a lot of people to talk to who really understand and feel what I am feeling.. that led me to look for a group and I found this one. I have started reading a lot of the posts and feel less alone but sick that so many of us have to suffer so much.
Sorry for the long long story but it did feel good to get it out and release it again.
I just feel so broken and alone and we do have another therapy session scheduled but not for a week and 1/2 and it seems like forever. My husband has no family here and no place to go so I let him stay but he sleeps in the basement. We have peace in the house and it is weird but we are keeping things as normal as possible for the kids then when they are napping or sleeping at night I usually retreat to my room or go out somewhere at naps and he goes downstairs. We are kind to each other but it is all so hard. I talk to him sometimes and tell him how I am feeling and I try not to sling mud anymore because that will only makes things worse. He does show remorse and still says everyday that he loves me and wants us to work.
He leaves me notes all the time that say I Love You. I cannot respond, sometimes I will say thanks for the note but thats it. he will email me from work and say I don't expect a response but I love you and the kids. I see him trying really hard with them to have more patience so I know he is trying but is it all too little too late?
I miss him, I miss my husband in my bed with me, I feel so alone but how can I have him next to me when at times I still feel sick. I really have no idea what the truth is and may never. He is a liar and that is how I see him right now.
I just lay in my bed and cry so hard sometimes when the kids are not around and I don't know what to do. I am hoping this board can now help me when I have moments like that. My road is long I know and it was only two weeks ago today that this all came crashing around me so it is fresh and it hurts.
Thanks for listening and feel free to share with me and to vent and cry and help me with any advice.