Searching for support and help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Searching for support and help.
16
Sat, 03-27-2010 - 11:37pm

I posted all this on a reply to someone else's discussion and I wanted to post my own so as not to intrude on that persons needs. I am struggling so much though and need some support. I have a couple people who know about this but most don't and it is like torture trying to put on my happy face sometimes. I just found this board in looking for a place to get support and relate to people who are going through what I am. I too just found out that my husband did the ultimate and cheated on me. I found out by accidently seeing a text that said I had the place to myself the other night but you would not respond... I was like WTF?? I have two little girls, 4 & 2, and they were home so I calmly went to find my husband and confront him... he lied at first of course. He tried to say it was some guy at work but I am not an idiot and I told him he was totally lying.. I grabbed his phone back out of his hand and started looking through other messages.. something I wish I would have done first. The next one I found pretty much confirmed this was no guy at work, it was from my husband to his "friend" and it pretty much said something like cannot wait for you to blow your load.... yep... it was a man and there was no way around that... I finally got him to admit it and OMG I thought I would vomit. He tried to keep squirming out of it but I had him red handed. He ran to the basement and started crying and wailing I cannot live without you I don't want to live my life without you so all I could do was get my kids out of there before they realized something was going on. I think the 4 year old knew something was up but she did not know what. I just called my parents and told them we were having some problems and could they come and get my kids. They did and without too much question I scooted them out of here. For the next several hours I cried and screamed and asked questions. He said he went in chat rooms just to have some fun, never intending on taking it further... whatever... and then somehow he did and with a man.
So of course my first question was is he gay? I have asked him a 1000 times since I found out and he says no. No he is not but then why a man and he says I don't know. That is his answer for a lot of things. He did admit also that in college years ago he got in trouble with 900#'s and he did see a Psychiatrist back then and he thought he was over it but maybe it was all coming back again. I was like what? I guess his parents actually must have caught him or something and then they also were concerned that he had no friends and kept to himself too much so they set this up. This is the first I had heard of any of it. Ok... so much to wrap my head around.

I have always said no way no how would I put up with a cheater, you cheat and you are gone... well then I am standing in my kitchen as this is unfolding with my two girls in the next room and it is not so cut and dry. Uggg... what the hell do I do now.

Now things have been tough for us and we have been struggling for awhile but I thought we were on the same page in trying to work to make things better. 2 years ago we went to this marriage encounter weekend because we needed a boost and my husband has never been a good communicator. Well we came back feeling like we can start again and had the tools to do it... Boom went into work the next day and at about 2pm found out my job was being eliminated. Talk about a kick in the face. So that started a whole new ball of stress for me. I was the stronger income and had never been without a job since I was 17 and I am now 37. I was devastated and terrified.

Ok now to take you back to the beginning... we have been married almost 6 years... god help me my 6th anniversary is coming up in a few weeks. In that short amount of time we have endured a lot from him being laid up for over a month early in the dating process and stuck at my place because he lived 40 miles away and could not drive to his losing his job the summer before we got married, my Mom had a stroke 4 months before my wedding (she is not the same but ok now), we were pregnant 4 months after we got married... planned and very happy but quick start to a family. He finally found a full time job right after we found out we were pregnant but it was 2nd shift and I worked first. It made things tough for more than a year but we did it. Then came time for baby number 2 and we lost that baby at 7 weeks.. by the grace of God one time, the first time we were together not even two months after the miscarriage and we were pregnant with baby #3, now our second living child. Whew.. you with me... that was Sept. 2007 that she was born. We had a lot of problems with reflux and projectile vomiting daily for 18 months and she had some tremors so we had tests for that too, everything came out ok but it was stressful. Whew what an amazing ride right? Well obviously we had a lot to deal with and it did take its toll. He had severe mood swings and snapped at me a lot.. then I got angry and it turned into a lot of yelling and screaming.

Our intimate life suffered a lot of blows as we were super over cautious with the the 3rd pregnancy and never were together out of fear of something going wrong again. Then with 2 kids and both working full time at that time it was tough to have the energy and time to put into each other and then add his mood swings to ruin any mood that was there and yes our intimate life suffered.

Now I mentioned we went to that encounter, still really seemed to help for a while. Even though I lost my job, this was Aug. 2008 (still unemployed now too), we did ok for awhile. but the stress of that on me, his mood swings and the now toddler who is more like two kids in one she is so challenging and ornery, we just blew up with the stress way too often. So I was always looking for ways to help us and get us to a better place, my husband always seeming on the same page as me and would go along with anything I found for us to try including some anger seminars through our church that we just went through not 2-3 weeks ago. On the same page right oh and might I say that in the last month things in the bedroom seemed much better, he was making an effort to be better and I was too and we seemed to be reconnecting.... or so I thought. So when I saw this text should I have seen this coming?

I was still blown away and felt so stupid that I did not see this coming. I knew things were bad for awhile but not this bad. I am not working and I am either here when he gets home from work or I am here shortly after that because the kids nap about that time. He does not travel for work and although he bowls on 2 bowling leagues right now, one with my Dad, he does not do much socially without me. His family is not here and his best friend is in Tawain and lives 2 1/2 hours away normally anyway. And men do not keep in touch like we women so aside from work guys his friends are my friends and family. When could he cheat???

Now I also must say that even though he has these mood swings and a short fuse he still has always shown he loves me and our girls so much and made me feel like I was beautiful even when I knew I was not. Never put me down or made me feel less attractive so I knew even though we were struggling he did love me and never dreamed he would cheat. Or so I thought. Now I do not know anything.

So his story now that he was caught is this... he started going in these chat rooms on the computer, somehow connected with a guy and it must have given him pleasure, at some point he said a couple months ago and I now have confirmed it was Jan. he met this guy, only once and he did not actually have "sex" and did not give me details but led me to believe it was oral and nothing else. Still cheating but at least if that is true maybe less dangerous for him and me now that I have been with him since then not knowing. But do I believe him. My only saving grace here is like I said he does not have large blocks of time unaccounted for and this one time was after this bowling league that my Dad is not on but he bowls with guys from work and he apparently got in a quick meeting after. From looking at my phone bill and texts I traced it back to an evening Jan. So it seems as though it is true but who really knows what I might not be seeing or could be forgetting about other times he was a little late. He still swears it was only that once and he is not gay and he maintains there was no emotional connection that is only with me and he loves me and only me and wants to fight for our marriage 100%

I do not believe anything he says and think how can I? He shattered my whole world and I still cannot wrap my head around the guy thing...

We have started therapy and have had one session together and one each sep. I have struggled with the fact that I do love him, I know if I had to do it I could make it on my own with my kids and lots of family support that I do have, and I will not stay just for the kids, so I know I can make the decision for the right reasons but can I get past this? I want my marriage to work I want to get back to where we were in the beginning and we worked together through all we had to endure. I want to believe it is possible but is it? Can i ever trust him again.

The next big thing is what if through therapy he does realize oh wait I am gay and I do not want to be with my wife. I have put myself out there to be crushed again... and can I handle that. Can i put my kids through that.

He swears no he wants our live because he loves me and wants to be with me and not because is it safe and he is afraid to be alone. Can I believe that?

The therapist says it is possible to get past this if we both want to work toward that. He also has told me that my husband has been into porn and seems to be addicted and he let this addiction take over and he lost control of it and took to the level of cheating and he could be just acting out a fantasy and still be heterosexual. Ok so it is possible. Makes me feel a little better but is that the case? And if so will he give it all up? Can he? he says yes but again can I believe him?

I did send a text to this number on his phone and said this game is over... the person texted back what game? I said he is married and your little meetings are over. My husband got his phone back then and at the time did not know I did that but I told him I did and he said the person sent back like they were trying to act like they did not know the number I was texting from... whatever. I took the phone and changed the number then ASAP. The cell phone is in my name because I already had one when we got together and then just eventually added him. So I was totally pissed that this could be traced to me. Supposedly this other person does not know his real full name and did not know he was married or anything about us... I do not know what to believe but I do know people can find you if you they want to these days. I have checked the phone a lot and I will be checking the next bill but he swears that was it and he has not contacted this guy again and won't. I have seen no sign of it but he can easily delete stuff from his phone so the bill will tell all. He was pretty scared to death so I am hoping he knows he better not have given this person the new number.

I am stuck not knowing what to do, how to feel and I totally relate to every word people are saying here and then some.
How are we to trust them again and if they love us so much and want only us... why did they cheat? I too am afraid to tell people for the shame and embarrassment and what if we do get through this I cannot work through this and find a way to forgive him and then have all these people around me who don't and who will judge him and put more pressure on us. Only my sister, my best friend and his sister now know about this. His sister does not know about that guy part of it... that was too much to bare. I had to have someone to talk to and I only told my sister because she is going through something similar. He probably has not cheated in a physical sense her husband but he has a long time friend that she feels he is crossing the line with but he has maintained he has done nothing wrong he is just helping her out because she is in a bad marriage and has kids.. blaa blaa... so I knew she would understand. She had been confiding in me and then boom... joke was on me when my husband actually did cheat on me.

So I find myself without a lot of people to talk to who really understand and feel what I am feeling.. that led me to look for a group and I found this one. I have started reading a lot of the posts and feel less alone but sick that so many of us have to suffer so much.

Sorry for the long long story but it did feel good to get it out and release it again.

I just feel so broken and alone and we do have another therapy session scheduled but not for a week and 1/2 and it seems like forever. My husband has no family here and no place to go so I let him stay but he sleeps in the basement. We have peace in the house and it is weird but we are keeping things as normal as possible for the kids then when they are napping or sleeping at night I usually retreat to my room or go out somewhere at naps and he goes downstairs. We are kind to each other but it is all so hard. I talk to him sometimes and tell him how I am feeling and I try not to sling mud anymore because that will only makes things worse. He does show remorse and still says everyday that he loves me and wants us to work.

He leaves me notes all the time that say I Love You. I cannot respond, sometimes I will say thanks for the note but thats it. he will email me from work and say I don't expect a response but I love you and the kids. I see him trying really hard with them to have more patience so I know he is trying but is it all too little too late?

I miss him, I miss my husband in my bed with me, I feel so alone but how can I have him next to me when at times I still feel sick. I really have no idea what the truth is and may never. He is a liar and that is how I see him right now.

I just lay in my bed and cry so hard sometimes when the kids are not around and I don't know what to do. I am hoping this board can now help me when I have moments like that. My road is long I know and it was only two weeks ago today that this all came crashing around me so it is fresh and it hurts.

Thanks for listening and feel free to share with me and to vent and cry and help me with any advice.

TriciaM

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2010
Sun, 03-28-2010 - 3:08pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Sun, 03-28-2010 - 10:11pm

Thank you so much it does help to know I am not alone in this although I wish we all did not have to suffer like this. My husband def. wants help and is getting it along with me. Once we do the approved 6 sessions we have through his works Employee Assistance Program for the marriage counseling I hope to continue on with personal counseling sep. for both of us. I think we both need it and have for some time.

You are right about getting to the root of the problems and that is what the therapist said too, 2 fold, he has to get to the root of his "addiction" to this pornography and now onto chat rooms and such and get a hold of that and two we have to figure out what broke us prior to the affair and and to repair that and move forward in a different more positive lifestyle. I just pray I can find a way to forgive him and to move past this. The here and now though, the ever night going our separate places, him to the basement and me to my bedroom is what we need yes but it is hard and I feel so alone. I miss my husband or who he used to be and my condfidant and friend. He is who would comfort me in times of stress and despair and as we all know that cannot happen right now because he is the source of that pain.

We have started to talk a little at a time but mostly right now we are just going through the motions while the kids are awake and and then when they go to bed we part ways until the next day. We are really trying to keep things as normal as possible for our girls right now.

Are you in a better place now with your husband?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2009
Mon, 03-29-2010 - 6:21am
You have definitely come to the right place.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2010
Mon, 03-29-2010 - 2:26pm

somedays I am better and some worse. As you put it so well my H used to be the person I went to for comfort and to talk to. He was my best friend


we are working through the root of his problems and we will be making our second trip to the MC.


my children are significantly older but

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Tue, 03-30-2010 - 1:05am

To its never easy... you are right I have to keep telling myself this is not about me... I do accept responsibility in our marriage suffering before the affair and for my part in not getting help sooner when I knew we needed it but I will not accept blame for his choice to do this and I told him so too. I do think to myself if I did this or did that or gave him more affection, whatever, then many this would not have happened but I know somewhere inside me that he still did not have to make the choice he made he could have talked to me or seeked out help himself so he and he alone is responsible for that choice. He knows it and he has told me as well that I am not to blame that he did this so I hope he really does get that.

I guess you are right too about our marriage never being the same and yes it does need to be a new fresh start if we are going to make this work. I am open to that totally because I know where we were doing was not working even before the affair. I did not think it wold come to this but it is what it is now.

I am praying the marriage counseling and some personal counseling for us individually will help us get to a point where we can start over. We both are willing to try at this point.

I am not sure how to feel about the bisexual part of it all. I know he is still trying to figure all of that out and I told him already if he realizes he is gay then obviously this marriage will never work no matter how much he wants to hide behind it. But he swear and swears that is not it and he does love me and is attracted to me he does not know he ended up messing with a man. Now he also maintains that this was only oral pleasure and no other sex occurred but I am not sure how much that matters. If this was a sexual fantasy that he let himself get carried away with and took it to a real human personal level and that is all it was and he can move forward with a happy healthy sexual relationship with me than i am willing to try. If it is the case of him wanting to continue with such behavior and be with me no way.

I will always put my children first yes but I will not stay in this marriage soley for them because that is not fair to them, me or my husband. I will stay if I feel it is possible for us to love each other and have a good life together again even though it will never be the same again.

I know I can make it on my own with my kids if I have to. I do have lots of family support and I know no matter how hard that would be, and I do know it would be, I also know I can do it if I have to and if it is what is best for me and kids.

Thank you for the great advice and support. I will continue to come to this board as it is already helping me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2009
Tue, 03-30-2010 - 1:27am
This is a great site.. great place to vent, find people who have walked in shoes and others who are just putting your shoes on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Thu, 04-01-2010 - 1:58pm

Hey thanks for the encouragement and I am sure we will all have setbacks and bad days. I am sitting her after having a good day yesterday with my family. My husband took off work because our 4 year old had a spring program at her preschool. We went to her program and then had lunch with my Mom and little baby nephew that she watches and then once we took them home we took our girls to Toys R Us to spend gifts cards they had. We wanted to do something good for them. We had a nice day and you would think we were just a regular family with two kids happy and having a good day together and for just a few hours is felt like that. It felt like this is how it should be. This is how I want my life to be not filled with lies, cheating and deceit and fighting and yelling. I was happy to have that kind of day but then sad that I know it was not truly as happy as it seemed. I was sad that parts of me are in shreds that I cannot have this life at least not yet. I hope to get there to start things over with a new lease on our marriage and our life together.

I feel less angry but then at times, especially at night when I am laying my bed alone. My husband is sleeping in the basement per my wishes. I sit there and get sad, mad, hurt all the again sometimes because here I am sleeping alone. I miss my husband I miss him so much but then I start thinking about what he did and things come in my head that I just want out. I start to imagine him and this other person and think about all the lies again and it makes me sick.

I am tired like you said, tired of thinking about it, tired of the whole thing. I have only been dealing with this a few weeks though and I hope it gets better but maybe it never will. When did all this happen to you? I think you probably said, I will have to go back and read.

Then there is whether or not I can believe what he told me the physical part of this was. I am pretty sure he only met this person once because I can trace back the cell phone bill to the night he said it was and it makes sense, he bowled and must have been late that night because I see a text to me later than usual and probably saying he was on his way home or something. I cannot remember but he would have normally been home by that time of the text to me. And he does not have a lot of time unaccounted for since I am not working right now and home when he gets home from work most of the time or right behind if not. We are together on the weekends with our kids so he really did not get a lot of opportunity that is the only reason I can try to believe he only met once. But he says there was not actually sex just oral pleasure and since this was a guy it could be true but who knows... I have asked and asked and he has admitted things but I will never know if he is telling me everything. He swears to me that he is telling the truth now and I just do not know what to believe.

And really does it change anything, the details? Not really, cheating is cheating. But part of me honestly is relieved if it was just a couple blow jobs or hand jobs which is what he has implied it was... sorry to put it so bluntly... I do not have to deal with the emotional ties of a long time affair with a woman but then I do have to wrap my head around it being with a guy... ugg.

I have already told him he has to have tests to make sure he does not have anything and I told him he must be honest with me about this whole thing if for not other reason than my physical safety and if he did have "sex" with this guy or anyone else I need to know so I can find out if I need to be tested for anything as well. he looked at me and swore no nothing more happened than what he said. I think if that is true I am ok but I guess I don't really know.

I have had thoughts of letting him come back to our bed and sleep, not to touch me I cannot tolerate that yet we have not even hugged or touched or anything since I found out. I have moments where I want this and then moments where I think no not ready yet.

Right now I am just anxious to get back to counseling to how that will go and that is not until next Tuesday.

Thanks for listening and for being here and making me feel less alone.

I hope you feel better since your post and are able to find some peace too.

Tricia M

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2009
Fri, 04-02-2010 - 6:30am

Hey there, sounds like progress is slowly creeping into your situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Fri, 04-02-2010 - 11:30am
its good to hear your taking it easy and not jumping into anything rash.....hang in there. hugs.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Sat, 04-03-2010 - 12:21am

itsnevereasy,

Thanks for all the great advice and support. I did not mean invite him back to my bed to have sex,,, he knows that is a long time away if ever but I just meant to tell him he could come back and sleep there but not touch me. Maybe that would make it harder too. I just miss him so much but I am still very hurt and angry too so that is why I have not done it yet. I do have a tough time at night so I have been watching some TV shows I have on the DVR that I can get lost in and get tired and fall asleep too and it does help to take my mind off it all some nights. But just looking at the empty bed and empty room makes me feel so lonely sometimes. Not for the sexual part, although I miss that too but for the comfort of him being next to me. I am not sure it is time yet so I have not asked him to come back. I am sure it is hard on him too having to be banished so to speak to the basement but maybe it is all a good lesson for him too. He needs to do a lot of self reflection. I see him suffering and he has expressed his feelings of guilt and remorse for what he has done which does help me a lot. If he did nothing or did not seem to care other than being caught then I would never be still here or letting him stay here.

He still has a long way to go and needs serious help to communicate. That has been a big problem for him for a long time and I had encouraged him to get help with it too but never pushed hard enough I guess. I am paying the high price now for putting up with it for so long. If he could have just talked to me and told me he what he was feeling instead of going elsewhere it would have made a world of difference. I know he did go looking for this affair. I did ask some questions and he pretty much did admit that he went into a chat room specifically intending on meeting someone to meet up with in person. At first he said he just went into the chat rooms to have fun and then met someone, happened to be a guy, which I now know is not true, he also admitted looking for a guy now, and someone he could meet up with. He still cannot tell me why a guy and insists he is not gay he has no idea why that idea turned him on. He had no emotional connection with him so he says and maybe somewhere in his mind he thought that would make it all better???? I asked that but he has no answers. I hope therapy can help pull out more about this for him so he can be sure what he wants. He says it is me and he is not gay and he is attracted to me but I am worried he really does not know anything for sure. I want to believe he means what he says but I am not sure.

Yes too to the question of making him get tested before I ever let him touch me sexually. I have already told him that and I am still debating calling my OB but then the embarrassment of admitting to one more person what my husband has done just makes me sick.

I really think I have handled things well as far as not being obsessed about his every move, at least not yet. I have had many days lately where I have not been home until hours after he got home from work and text him to let him know where I am with kids and what I am doing, I always have out of respect and I don't really worry too much that he will take advantage of that but I do think about it a little bit I guess. I am not so concerned as to make sure I am home... he has enough room and I pray he does not hang himself. I do check his cell phone but that is about it. I cannot drive myself crazy about what he might try to do because i would in fact go insane. He wanted to go to the driving range after work today and I had told him I would be off shopping with my Mom for awhile. I did say to him should I be worried about where you are really going? I think I was not really concerned but I needed to hear that reassurance that no he is not ever going to meet someone else like that again and I wanted him to know I am still thinking about it. It has only been a few weeks too.

His actions and the few things he has said make me feel as though he is done and it was a sexual thing with this guy and not emotional so easier to just drop it like that, he says there has been no more contact and there won't be but I guess I do worry that if we do not get things straightened out the right way and get to a good happy place in our marriage again that he could stray again. I think he won't from the way I have seen him beat himself up over this but who really knows right? He seems as though he really knows he did wrong and even talked about it being a mortal sin. We are both Catholic but I have to admit my mind had not gone there yet but he brought it up right away in our first therapy session so he is already examing his conscious and that is good I think.

I think that is a great idea to treat yourself I will have to remember that when the time comes... in fact I could use that right now.

I thank you for your advice and for giving me things to ponder and I make this journey. It still feels so raw and like I just found out yesterday and I hope that lessens over time. It was just 3 weeks ago tomorrow that my world came crashing down around me.

Hope you find ways to keep on healing too.

Pages