Secret Cell Phone, Custody ? & More

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Secret Cell Phone, Custody ? & More
Mon, 02-08-2010 - 12:06am

Well, my husband FINALLY wrote me the letter explaining where he stands that I had been asking him for for 3 weeks (I asked him to write because he can't talk...he yells and this needs to be aired without irrational emotions). It's all the same stuff he's said all along...if I had given him more sex, initiated more, made him feel more desired then he wouldn't have allowed himself to keep getting into these situations. BLah blah blah.

I also discovered a week ago what I suspected was a secret cell phone number and have had confirmation that it is definitely his. I have called it twice (blocking my number and he answered both times). Tonight he got an email from who I suspect is his girlfriend (but it's not this "Sara" because he knows five "Saras" stupid does he think I am). It was actually on his facebook messages, but it gets sent to his email which also downloads to my laptop. She asks him "what u doing?" (he replies something) "check your other cell" she writes back. I'm back in the bedroom when these messages come through and within seconds he comes back, does something in the bathroom, steps out and says "I'm going for a drive." I strongly suspect he went to see her. I called the secret cell and he answered so I know he has it on him (I had thought he was hiding it at the office) but I can't find it when he is at home...I'm not even going to let him know I know about it until I see it and check the text messages.

I also found in a notebook in which he had written a list of things he wanted to take (mostly superficial, his tools, the car (and he'd LET me keep the van), joint custody, and his retirement (which I will be asking for a portion to be withdrawn and put into a college fund for the kids) and he would leave everything else in the house plus give me 1000 a month...HA HA...he has no clue! He brings home a month 3800 in his department paycheck alone, makes another 420 cash at a side job, and additional money here and there by working at sporting events (glad I have all his w-2s for the past years)...and he thinks he's only gonna have to pay 1000? This only goes to show that he has no clue about money. He says in his letter that he wants me and the kids to be able to stay in the house...and he thinks 1000 is gonna cover that? Yeah right. He is in for a very rude awakening...I don't think he has any idea what his little escapade is truly going to cost him.

Now a question on the custody issue for those who have already been there. I think one of the things he is considering is living with 2 of his single guy friends...will a judge allow him to have his 13 daughter spending the night in that situation? Furthermore-my husband smokes...and when he lived by himself before we got married he smoked inside...but since we married he has always smoked outside. I don't think he will continue to do that though once he's on his own. BUT my son has asthma...which is triggered not only by smoke but by the lingering will this play into his idea of joint custody? If my son spends any length of time in an apartment where someone has been smoking he will end up in the hospital...what can I do to protect them both at this point? H is not well informed on his asthma and is not very good about staying on top of treatments when DS is having a flare. My husband is also seeing a psychiatrist for depression and taking meds (our counselor and I have discussed the possibility that he is bipolar...but unless H tells the psych the entire truth the psych will only see simple depression). He has temper issues and has been physical with both kids at various times (as recently as a few months ago)...what role will this play if any? I know you may not have any answers for me...just hoping for someone to shed some light on this mess that I have found myself in.

At the moment I am in the frame of mind that I married a jerk. He is secretly looking for an apartment (again...he doesn't think I'm very smart but I know all of this for certain) and I am going to call the attorney tomorrow and schedule an appointment. Sorry this got so long...and thanks in advance for any replies!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2006
Tue, 02-09-2010 - 2:37pm
Hi 2c, I'm sorry you're going through this, and I know others here may be better equipped to offer support than I am, but I did want to suggest that you may also find tips on the divorce side of things from our Surviving Divorce & Separation board.