iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2009
Mon, 05-11-2009 - 9:40pm

Before the A i had a very very active sex drive, I actually wanted it more then my H did.

It's been a year and a half since the A and my sex drive is almost nothing. we had decided to work on our relationship. being that we are in a military set up and he just returned home from a 15 months deployment we had no choice but to not have sex...

Well, now I get very upset when he tries to make advances towards me. I told him that I don't know why I am not "in the mood" and that hopefully once we get into marriage councling it will help with that and a million other problems. But he seems to want sex so much and then when I don't give it to him i go into a cycle of well now he is going to cheat on me and then all the events of the A are brought up front and I feel the pain all over again and I am back to square one of dealing with the hurt and memories...

I want to know do other ppl who have been betrayed and cheated on have this same problem with their sex drive and if so how do you deal with it and why do i seem to regress everytime it comes about and I re live the A all over again...

Btw, I have brought this up to him and he appoligized for the way it makes me feel and he said he would not pursue me for untill I am comfortable or I want to have sex, but it seems he is unable to do this.....

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
In reply to: amber6363
Tue, 05-12-2009 - 10:09am


I saw this quote some time ago. I don't know if it is really true. But some of it is.

"Actions lead to trust, Trust leads to Intimacy."

Sorry, I don't mean to be didactic but I think this goes both ways for the WS and the BS. I've tried to use this as a mantra for my own actions. In our case, DW and I need different things rom each other. As of right now, she needs fun and I need assurances. As I offer opportunities for us to have fun together she offers me more assurances and as she offers me more assurances, I'm a lot more fun. They feed off of each other. Unfortunately this takes a lot of energy. It is easier to just say when you give me assurances, I'll give you fun and visa verse. But that goes nowhere.

And when she's had some fun, and I've had assurances. I stop thinking about the other man and she stops feeling depressed and sex is pretty good.

Just a thought.


5 kids ages 15-9, D Day: August 5, 2008

Status: Figuring it out. Together.


We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
In reply to: amber6363
Tue, 05-12-2009 - 11:01am
How I would approach this is to put your mind/imagination/head in a different place where sex is involved.