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|Sun, 08-10-2014 - 2:37pm|
A little under a month ago I found out that my husband of 17 years has been having a year-long (at least) affair with a mother at our youngest child's Catholic school. (She is single). We have two boy, ages 14 and 9. I had no idea any of this was happening, but found out this just this week that he had involved the children, lying about taking them to visit his parents and instead going on outings with her and her children, or taking the boys to events and dropping them off, leaving with her, and coming back to pick up the boys when the events were over. (He is a cub scout leader and her two boys are in Cub Scout with our youngest, and they went on several overnight Cub Scout trips while I was home working.) He says he loves her and is going to leave me for her. He is totally cold and matter-of-fact about it, and acts like he has done nothing wrong, and that our lives are going to go on just as before, except he will be with her. (She's very prominent at the school -- from a wealthy family who donates hundreds of thousands of dollars to the school -- and is a member of the lots of committees at the school and at the church.) He says they're not going to be public about it, because he needs to protect her reputation, but it seems that several people have suspected this was going on (they didn't seem to take many pains to hid it from other people when they were at events that I did not attend.)
I'm devastated, confused, shattered, unable to eat or sleep or work. I feel like the entire world disappeard. I've already gotten into counseling, but it's not helping at all. He won't leave the house (which is in his name), and won't talk to me about his plans. The boys know (of course -- they've known for months and months and were afraid to say anything because they didn't want to cause us to break up) and are angry, but somehow relieved that they don't have to live this double life anymore. I've told the school priest, the principal, and all my son's teachers the sitaution and made it clear that this woman is not to have contact with my child or attempt to check him out of school. (which she had done, unbeknownst to me and with my husband's permission, in the past.) But beyond that, I don't know what else I can do. We're going to see her and her children constantly, at least several times a week, and my husband has made it clear he will be with her instead of us. (He was very close to both boys before and a great father, but this past year it seems he's only used them as props to manufacture ways to spend time with her without arousing too much suspicion, and now if I am with the boys, he's decided he will be with her instead of us, so that we don't give the appearance of being a "family.") He thinks that things are going to calm down and the boys will be fine with her -- which is not the case. The boys have so much animosity and hatred toward her that they don't want to have any contact, but he thinks somehow that's my idea and not what they have told me.
I fear he may be mentally ill, because his responses and his demeanor are just so strange and detached from reality. He really is a completely different person than the man I've been in love and been loved by for nearly 2 decades. It's like the real him just vanished the moment I confronted him with the proof I've found and has been replaced by this cold monster who feels nothing except this almost addiction-like need to be with her at the cost of everything else.
I've taken over everthing having to do with the children and I'm trying to keep it together, but it's getting harder and harder to get through each day. I want to leave the state (Louisiana) and go home my family in Colorado, but he's made it clear that he'll petition to keep the boys here, and unfortunately the law here makes it 80-90% likely that that will be the outcome. . It still seems totally surreal, almost like it's happening to someone else. I'm trapped in a nightmare and I'm having trouble finding a way out