She cheated and I dont know what to do

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2012
She cheated and I dont know what to do
12
Wed, 11-14-2012 - 10:34am

I have been married for 5 years this December, we have two beautiful children. Two days ago I found text messages to a guy she has been hanging out with for awhile talking about them sleeping together without a condom, I confronted her about it and she didn't deny it she confirmed my suspicions. She told me the details saying she did it while we were on our trial seperation that ended a couple weeks ago. I then find out that she slept with him after we got back together and lied about alot of details saying it was to protect me. I want us to work out and she had her reasons to do it I just don't know where to go from here, we are leaving in a couple hours for a family vacation to Disney World with our children and I am just torn on going. I know we all make mistakes and God knows I have my share of mistakes. And sadly I have the mentality of not One a cheater always a cheater with my mind set I think What contributed to her choice to betray me - why did they choose infidelity  I dont know if I am just stupid or being rational but she always said she loves him and will cut all ties to him if thats what I want. Please help I need some advice from someone who doesnt know her lol

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 11-14-2012 - 10:51am

I actually hope that you will go to Disney with the children even if you have to fake it.  I know if you don't go, they will have sad memories of this trip & won't enjoy it as much w/o you there.  When I was dating my 2nd DH we had this big argument right before I was going to Disney w/ my kids & mom & aunt--I should have broken up with him right there, but that's a different story--anyway, I wasn't that happy during the trip cause there were a lot of phone calls & emails, but my kids had a great time.  so as long as you can be civil, I'd say to go.

2nd, I'd recommend marriage counsling.  I don't know if you had a typo there but you said that your DW said she loves the other guy--or did she say she didn't love him?  I don't know if you can make your marriage work if your DW thinks she's in love w/ another man.  You also have to address the issues that led to having a trial separation.  I usually think that trial separations accomplish nothing if the people aren't going to work on their marriage.  I'd only recommend one if there is so much arguing & fighting going on in the home where the couple really needs to take a break (esp. if there are kids, cause a lot of arguing isn't good for them).  So did you establish any ground rules before the separation as far as seeing other people?  If not, it's like giving both of you a free pass for cheating--and again, I can't see how that would strengthen the marriage and also, once someone gets the chace to "try out" someone else, I think it would be harder to go back & be faithful.

I don't believe the saying "once a cheater always a cheater."  I think it depends on the circumstances.  there are serial cheaters who should never be trusted.  I also think there are people who make mistakes and are sorry for it and are determined that it will never happen again.  I also note that your DW said that "she will cut all ties to him" if you want her to--well, duh!  If you are going to stay married, does she think that she should be in touch w/ her fling, or whatever you want to call him?  And shouldn't she be coming to this conclusion on her own, that it would be too dangerous & disrespectful to the marriage to keep in contact with this man?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2012
Wed, 11-14-2012 - 11:03am

She did say she loved him as more than a friend, as for the Seperation she couldnt handle me badering her about Him anymore she called texted, and randomly wanted to go on long walks alone at a park when thats where she was having the affair at and begged him to see her a few days ago because we where going away and that got to me when I confronted her she flipped and said we need time apart, Also over the years I was pretty insensitive to her as well  during this time apart she was hardly home and went out with him alot, but when we got back together she went out to the bar with him on another one of her friends and came home around 6 am. Still went to the park at 7 pm and came back at 10ish, She always said she wanted to wait for it to get dark out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Wed, 11-14-2012 - 12:09pm

First of all, nothing here is anywhere near a "mistake".  You were on a TRIAL separation, which is just basically being apart briefly to think, and during that time the two of them were plotting having sex - without a condom blows my mind, how STOOOOOOPID.  Deliberately have sex without a condom?  That's two stoooopid people there.  Then you get back together and they follow through.  To protect you, of course.  I'm trying to figure out just who you are married to.....nothing makes one bit of sense.  You separated temporarily and immediately she's talking to another guy about cheating, for it certainly would be cheating until the ink is dry on a divorce decree.  But re-read your post at the end, where you talk about it being a CHOICE, because cheating always is a choice - cheating is not a mistake, it's a choice.  A mistake is a boo boo - something we do unintentionally, like adding 2 + 2 and getting 5, THAT is a "mistake".  Do people have a role in the hay "unintentionally"?  Of course not.  Of course you're confused right now, they cheat and it's OUR world that gets turned upside down - most of them seem to just blithely move on and cannot understand why we can't do the same.  See a therapist to help you get back on track, you'll get feedback you won't receive here.  And it'll help you decide if you truly want to stay with her.  And....get tested, of course, if you already haven't, and don't touch until you get the results, and even then only if YOU want to. 

 

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Wed, 11-14-2012 - 1:38pm

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I wrote a thread with some suggestions, click here to review these.

Yeah, my spouse had unproteced sex also, and that is aweful, but the bigger issues isn't the details of what she did rather than the simple fact that she had sex with someone else. Try and keep this simple at first otherwise it will drive you crazy. 

You deserve to know the truth about when her affair really started, if and when it ended, if they had sex and if the two of you have had sex since. If so, you both should get tested.

Though you really want to know details beyond what I wrote above, try and hold off on that for now. The devil is in the details. I'm actually really better off that my spouse kept some of the details from me. Check back with us after you get back with the kids and let's talk.

You didn't cause this, you can't control this, and this isn't your fault.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 11-14-2012 - 8:31pm

It's a little hard to understand the timing here cause I think your punctuation is a little off.  From what I'm understanding, she was carrying on with him while you were still together, you were "badgering" her about him, so then she wanted to separate (basically so she could freely be with him), you got back together and she still went to be with him, then she tells you that she loves him.  Is that correct?  I am not telling you what to do cause of course I only see what you write here & I don't know the whole story, but if it was me, I'd be making a trip to the divorce lawyer--my exH did cheat on me for a short time but he was very remorseful about it--otherwise I wouldn't have stayed with him.  But if your spouse is living with you but basically telling you that she's still going to see the AP, how can your marriage survive?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2012
Sat, 11-17-2012 - 2:21am
Sorry for the bad punctuation I am on my phone and sometimes it puts it in its self. The separation was my fault because of the way i have been treating her for awhile basically being cold and unsupportive of her,i know that. But we got back together and she was just talking to him a couple days later after we got back together is when she slept with him, but i now found out she slept with him more than once and of course did other acts during this time and lied to protect me she says. She does say she cares for him because he was there for her when she needed it but she hasn't talkedto him
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2012
Sat, 11-17-2012 - 7:37am
This if Anth btw i couldn't login my other account from my phone for some reason. But as of right now I will forgive and forget out kids deserve it and we are having a good time down here in Florida I don't trust her yet of course but I will try until she gives me a reason. Sadly I am tracking all of her calls and texts for the time being at least. I thank you for all the advice the links ect and sorry for the bad punctuation after I reread it i was confused and i knew what i meant to say. I will keep this updated and use the information that i learned to help others because no one should go thought this alone.
Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sun, 11-18-2012 - 3:05pm

  Hi  One word do not track all her calls etc.  This is a waste of energy you could be putting into the relationship.  Trust is a luxury.  I have been there.  I never trust ever.  You mentioned that you treated her badly so your aim needs to be on yourself.   Controlling your behavior and emotions being there in real life is most important.  The other is water under the bridge.

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2012
Tue, 11-20-2012 - 6:23pm

Very sorry for the huge problem you are facing.  I have been around the block once or twice and my advice, after looking at all of your comments, is that you should find the best divorce attorney you can afford and proceed to file for divorce.  Get everything you can in your settlement.  Do NOT go to a marriage counselor and waste money, time and anguish for a woman who has no respect for marriage as an institution or for you.  A woman who  has told you what she has is not worth wasting time over.  I strongly disagree with the poster who posted:  You deserve to know the truth about when her affair really started, if and when it ended, if they had sex and if the two of you have had sex since. If so, you both should get tested.  While I strongly agree that the health issues are vital to explore and resolve, there is nothing--absolutely nothing--constructive about getting into details about a spouse's affair.  It will only hurt you badly and damage your self esteem to listen to her roll out details that can help you in no way.  They can only hurt. Bid her adieu and move on.  Good luck to you.  Craig.

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Fri, 11-23-2012 - 1:10am
Craig, I can understand that you have strong feelings. But I do you understand that you just advised someone to not get help? Your advise is poor in my opinion. Possibly harmful.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

Pages