She cheated and I dont know what to do

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2012
She cheated and I dont know what to do
12
Wed, 11-14-2012 - 10:34am

I have been married for 5 years this December, we have two beautiful children. Two days ago I found text messages to a guy she has been hanging out with for awhile talking about them sleeping together without a condom, I confronted her about it and she didn't deny it she confirmed my suspicions. She told me the details saying she did it while we were on our trial seperation that ended a couple weeks ago. I then find out that she slept with him after we got back together and lied about alot of details saying it was to protect me. I want us to work out and she had her reasons to do it I just don't know where to go from here, we are leaving in a couple hours for a family vacation to Disney World with our children and I am just torn on going. I know we all make mistakes and God knows I have my share of mistakes. And sadly I have the mentality of not One a cheater always a cheater with my mind set I think What contributed to her choice to betray me - why did they choose infidelity  I dont know if I am just stupid or being rational but she always said she loves him and will cut all ties to him if thats what I want. Please help I need some advice from someone who doesnt know her lol

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2012
Wed, 11-14-2012 - 11:03am

She did say she loved him as more than a friend, as for the Seperation she couldnt handle me badering her about Him anymore she called texted, and randomly wanted to go on long walks alone at a park when thats where she was having the affair at and begged him to see her a few days ago because we where going away and that got to me when I confronted her she flipped and said we need time apart, Also over the years I was pretty insensitive to her as well  during this time apart she was hardly home and went out with him alot, but when we got back together she went out to the bar with him on another one of her friends and came home around 6 am. Still went to the park at 7 pm and came back at 10ish, She always said she wanted to wait for it to get dark out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 11-14-2012 - 10:51am

I actually hope that you will go to Disney with the children even if you have to fake it.  I know if you don't go, they will have sad memories of this trip & won't enjoy it as much w/o you there.  When I was dating my 2nd DH we had this big argument right before I was going to Disney w/ my kids & mom & aunt--I should have broken up with him right there, but that's a different story--anyway, I wasn't that happy during the trip cause there were a lot of phone calls & emails, but my kids had a great time.  so as long as you can be civil, I'd say to go.

2nd, I'd recommend marriage counsling.  I don't know if you had a typo there but you said that your DW said she loves the other guy--or did she say she didn't love him?  I don't know if you can make your marriage work if your DW thinks she's in love w/ another man.  You also have to address the issues that led to having a trial separation.  I usually think that trial separations accomplish nothing if the people aren't going to work on their marriage.  I'd only recommend one if there is so much arguing & fighting going on in the home where the couple really needs to take a break (esp. if there are kids, cause a lot of arguing isn't good for them).  So did you establish any ground rules before the separation as far as seeing other people?  If not, it's like giving both of you a free pass for cheating--and again, I can't see how that would strengthen the marriage and also, once someone gets the chace to "try out" someone else, I think it would be harder to go back & be faithful.

I don't believe the saying "once a cheater always a cheater."  I think it depends on the circumstances.  there are serial cheaters who should never be trusted.  I also think there are people who make mistakes and are sorry for it and are determined that it will never happen again.  I also note that your DW said that "she will cut all ties to him" if you want her to--well, duh!  If you are going to stay married, does she think that she should be in touch w/ her fling, or whatever you want to call him?  And shouldn't she be coming to this conclusion on her own, that it would be too dangerous & disrespectful to the marriage to keep in contact with this man?

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