Should I be worried or am I am overreacting.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2000
Should I be worried or am I am overreacting.
Wed, 10-31-2012 - 12:33pm

So my  husband has a job that he is on call 24/7, doesn't have set hours.  Last Saturday, I took the kids ot a local campground for trick or treat.  The campground doenst' have great cell service and so my husband didnt' go for fear of missing a call.  When I left, he asked "so how long do you think you will be?" This always throws up a red flag. We left early due to my family camping at hte campgorund and I wanted to spend some time with them. So this left a good window where he was home to do what he wanted.  I told him I wasn't sure, trick or treat started at 6 but we would probably stay a little after to visit with my family that was camping.  Anyway, I get home at 8:30 and my husband is not there. I didn't get a text saying he was going to work.  I call him, no answer, text  him, no answer. So of course due to the past issues we have had I wonder where he is.  Finally an hour and a half   later he calls, says his phone was on vibrate and he didnt' hear me call. Said he was in one of his works cabs on his way somewhere (I can't remember where).  But there was no background noise. If  he was in cab at least two other people would have been in it, plus the noise from the vehicle would be in background. It was dead silent.  So then the next night he gets called in, well says he has to go to work.  When I was checking the phone bill for Saturdays call, I didn't actually check it until monday. Well I see that he got a call from work over an hour after leaving and saying he was going to work. I ask him why worked called an hour after he went to work and not before. He says he took the call, which means he called htem. But said when he got there his engineer said that he was going to be late so the pushed the call back an hour to prevent him from being late? They call an hour and a half before he has to actually be there to give him time to get ready and get there. So that leaves him with at least 2hrs that he wasn't working.  Am I wrong to be worrried about this?  He was also more attentive to me Sunday, didn't get mad when I questioned him about these things which he normally does, and also he has acted more like he doesnt' trust me.  I want to be able to trust him, but I also don't want to be walked all over and used again and hurt again.  I already feel like an idiot for not seeing the signs of the affair he had with my best friend that lasted over a year.  I ignored the signs fo that one. Not on purpose but only because I trusted her and never believed she would do soemthing like that. Him, i had already had some trust issues with. My brother in law also asked me about a month ago, how I didn't know it was going on.  Talk about making me feel like an idiot. It seems everyone else saw the signs except me. Which is another thing that bothers me. Why didnt' anyone tell me! my sister said she was trying to get proof.  My brother n law said it was none of his business?  I don't know why everyone else chose not too. I havne't reallly asked them.  I dont' think any of them had proof, the signs were just clearer to them and my dad and stepmom told me that as soon as I went inside when we were there swimming, it was like someone switched a switch and they were right together talking and flirting.  So i don't want to be in this situation again. So I am constantly watching for signs.  How do you go back to trusting someone after all this.  And how do you know if its an overreaction or there really are signs?

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Wed, 10-31-2012 - 5:56pm

"Why didn’t' anyone tell me!"

Yeah, I’m four years out and I haven’t totally forgiven those who knew, but didn’t say anything. Talk about being made a fool. How is it that a half dozen people that presented themselves as friends or family didn't think to say something?

Your husband is in the perfect position to hide stuff from you and rule #1 is that the person who cares the least in a relationship has all the power. You might consider revisiting the 180 and laying down basic boundries for your husband. Until you are prepare yourself to be in a position to walk away and live completly on your own, you will allways be vulnerable.

Until you present yourself to your husband as someone who is strong enough to live apart from him. He is going to be in a position to walk all over you. This is something you should change.

Look, any of us including your husband could walk in front of a bus and be gone forever at any point. It is in your best interest to be prepared for him to be gone for any reason. The side bonus is that strength is attractive. You can’t control what he’s up to. You can only control you. Maybe it is time to really start taking care of you?  


We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2000
Fri, 11-02-2012 - 1:31pm
Thank you for your reply! I do realize I need to work better at taking care of me. I have always been the type of person that puts others before me and I need to set some boundaries. I struggle with that. I have been trying to get bills paid up and off to try to put myself in a better position, but my husbands work has been super slow lately and what I had paid up are no longer paid up. I am going ot keep trying though, because I don't want to feel trapped if something happens and I am forced to care for my kids on my own. I don't like feeling vulnerable, I have always been independent when it comes to finances. But I have made myself vulnerable by doing that. Everything is in my name because I have worked hard to get my credit score high and keep it there. my husband did not so his score was horrible when I met him and he has not tried to improve it and I dint' want my great score tied to his crappy one in fear it would lower mine. So it left me in a bad spot. I am trying to be stronger though and although its a daily battle I am trying to overcome the hurt, anger and fear.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2012
Tue, 11-06-2012 - 4:58am

I was reading cheatingpeolpe and I found the english version of endoacustica

I wanna know if someone had business with my wife... I'm finding something like detector bugs... I suspect she's cheating me! Please help me!!!