Should I contact the other woman (LONG)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2008
Should I contact the other woman (LONG)
Tue, 02-09-2010 - 12:01pm

So I found this board today. And I'm glad that I did. I found out yesterday that my husband cheated on me last year..among other things. Supposedly the affair lasted from Oct of 2008 - June 2009. During that time my husband and I were going through a lot of problems. We were actually on the verge of divorce at that point. It was due to the fact that I had pushed him away and he felt like I wasn't giving him what he wanted. He said he didn't want to be there anymore and he didn't feel it anymore. Well, I guess he found comfort in someone else (and drugs) during that time.

I only found out yesterday b/c the friend of the girl contacted me via Facebook. I had no clue. I was in shock (still am). He said that they were friends, they kissed once but nothing more. According to the friend they did sleep together. He swears they didn't. I suppose most men would say that. I told him that I had to know b/c I needed to know if I needed to be tested or not. That it wasn't just my life at stake it was our 3 year old daughter's too. He looked me in the eye and said that he had not. I gave him numerous occasions to come clean with everything but he stuck by the story. Now, the girl...I did contact her. She said that he couldn't get hard w/ a condom. That's all she gave me. How am I supposed to know that or not cause we've never used one? She said that I could call her if I wanted and talk. At this point I have not. I don't know if I can bare to hear what she has to say or to even hear her voice for that matter.

My husband says that he needed someone to talk to at that point. That he just happened upon her one day and they started talking. That was all it was at first. He had known this girl from back in HS. Anyway, one thing led to another I suppose. He finally ended it cause he said he got the impression that she was going to leave her husband for Jason. And he didn't want that. He still wanted to be married to me and realized he'd made a mistake. He never came to me and told me though. Makes me wonder. He said that things were finally going good for us and he didn't know that he should come clean. So, the husband contacts him and tells him that it was not him that she was messing around with. That yes, they had a friendship, but she was not sleeping with him. It was another guy that she was sleeping with from somewhere else. The husband supposedly said he knew about that affair and that was the reason why he was leaving...but he was still mad at my husband.

I don't know what to believe or think at this point. I just want it all out there and in the open so that we can heal and move past this. I love him with all my heart and I want our marriage to work. We've been through a lot together and I don't want to throw away 12 years and our family. My daughter needs her daddy. The good daddy that she knows.

I want to believe him when he says that he's changed. And that he wants to be here. I guess I have some solace in knowing that the affair did end 8 months ago. But, I'm still hurt beyond belief. And I don't know what to think or feel. My friends all tell me I deserve better and that I need to leave. I don't feel I can. I'm scared.

So my biggest thing...should I contact that lady and ask her to tell me the whole thing? Or should I just assume they did have sex and heal from that. I know that it would mean he's still lying to me. But, I do want to believe him when he says that didn't happen.

I'm just confused, hurt, all the things I know you all have felt or feel.

Thanks for listening.


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2010
Tue, 02-09-2010 - 1:25pm

I found out about 4 months ago that my husband was having an affair with a mutual friend that was his ex gf.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2010
Tue, 02-09-2010 - 5:05pm

In the same boat... He was with her when heavily drinking and I wanted nothing to do with him.... She was an ex. She made him feel good about her self becuase she was also pathetic... still is...

My fiance went to counseling to help with the issues that caused him to drink.... things are better now, but he had shame and was dealing with that with alcohol....

what kind of drugs? is he drinking?

Guys wont admit, I had to ask four times... he said no each time.... my therapist was amazed that he actually confessed... after a year later.... so try to read the signs when he says he didn't, if you get

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 8:06am
First of all, it is not YOUR FAULT that your H had an A - he shouldn't be blaming you and you shouldn't blame yourself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2010
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 2:30pm

the opposite of hate being indifferenent is helpful. Once I feel indifferent that will be a good accomplishment... thanks for the link, helpful

She always had the upper hand, they were now she is bitter and blocking us on facebook... whatever, she is pathetic immoral and hypocritical God praising HOR who must hate herself so much that she has to ruin other peoples lives....

or not..... lol... well he wasted the good years of her life, she was the OW and he left

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 3:39pm

becky, be careful what you ask for. i say that because if you do contact her she may end up telling you more than you really want to hear. no matter what your decision ends up being, just be prepared.

most me will lie, as if lieing will make it some how better. they do not get that being honest they are in fact proving, showing us that they are willing to accept full responsibility and accept the consequences. we women are strange creatures, we always seem to forgive; perhaps it is because we all so want to believe in the happily ever after. men, they just don't get it. so many posters here come with storeis like yours. then as their posts continue we find ourselves reading over and over again how little by little more truths are learned. you see with all of the forgiveness comes a demand for honesty; and well not stop until we are sure we know it all. until and unless your 'gut' is satisfied that he is telling the truth he is basically doing one thing - putting off the inevitable.

regardless of what happens between the 2 of you i would ask that you consider the following - it is time for you to begin taking care of yourself. putting yourself first. loving yourself and realizing that no one person on this earth can make you feel as good about, as comfortable with, as protected by as YOU. SELF LOVE is something that is foreign to most of us women - yet with men, it is their number one priority ----- taking care of self first. when we put ourselves on the back burner to begin to think of ourselves as unimportant, not worthy - and those closest to us begin to see us in that way as well. we are like atm machines that only give out and never take in.

in loving yourself you are teaching your children a valuable lesson, the importance of the I SPIRIT, in all of us. they tend to be more confident, more comfortable, independent, are leaders not followers.

there is a list here called the 180* list that you might want to read and think about. while all of them are not necessarily needed by you the bottom line is the rediscovery of you and what you are all about. do not rely on someone else to make you whole, or to complete you - you are perfectly capable of doing that yourself.

inn closing i would highly recommend that you read as many posts on this site as possible. much wisdom is shared here by all.

remember this is the first day of the rest of your life, realize your dreans.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2008
Thu, 02-11-2010 - 6:33am

I want to thank all of you for your kinds words and support. They mean a lot and are very helpful. The day after Dday (Tuesday)...I asked again about the sex part. I just wasn't convinced that he was telling me the truth. And he wasn't. He finally came clean about it that they did. And surprisingly, I was at peace afterward. I think b/c he was finally open and not lying anymore. I had already set myself up for hearing those words. Cause in my heart I knew they were true.

Anyway, it's day 3. I'm doing okay. And it kind of feels strange that I'm having good days so soon. I feel hopeful and confident about our relationship. He's really trying hard at the moment. I hope that he continues. I think what makes it easier for me is that I know all this happened during a time that we were broken. We were on the verge of divorce. Not because of her but because of our own sexual issues, among others. I just didn't want him and that was a problem. I had no sexual desire. It wasn't that I didn't want him, I just didn't have a sex drive. My self esteem b/c of my weight was so low at that point. It took him ready to walk out to make me wake up and realize this. When he was ready to walk out, it was way after the affair had ended. So, I know that had nothing to do with it. It was about us. And then, we turned things around. We started rebuilding our marriage. And just in the last couple of months, things were finally getting really good again. We were having fun, going out, making love, loving each other like we should. So, to get a blow like this really hurt. But, I prayed and I thought about it long and hard over the past few days and I realized it was the past. The past for us. And I can't change the past. I can't change what he did. He can't change what he did. I either have to decide to forgive him and move on or leave. And I chose him b/c I love him. I want us to work and I want him in my life as my husband, my friend, my lover and my daughter's father.

And yes, we've already made love, twice. And it's the best it's ever been. I can't remember that passion ever. And I have a sex drive again. I can't explain it. In a way I feel like it shouldn't be this easy. And it's not. I still don't trust him. I'm always calling and trying to find out if he's really at work. It's always on my mind. And will be I'm sure for a long time.

We start counseling next week. I'm sure they will help me sort through some of these strange feelings as well.

And to answer my own question. I'm not going to call or talk to her. It would do no good at this point.

Thanks again for all your help.

Becky :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Thu, 02-11-2010 - 10:27am


you sound at peace and happy and that is a good thing.

please remember TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. TAKE THE TIME TO LOVE YOU, you need that now and forever.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2010
Thu, 02-11-2010 - 11:46am

We did it pretty soon too... I made him get tested, he went the next day and had results the next... I told him it would be a while, but it was

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2009
Sat, 02-13-2010 - 7:49am
Don't take any of our advice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2010
Sat, 02-13-2010 - 11:17am
OMG story so close - even the time frames....... Well get tested anyway, get to a MC even if he really didn't sleep w/ her, things can be passed in other ways - and there are other types of sex ..... be safe - I didn't ask him to get tested right away and I have 2 viruses passed from OW to my FWS and now on to me. Do what you have to for you - it can't hurt to be tested and if you come up with something, send him too - or ask him to go in good faith just to make you feel better - and get to MC if you can drag him , or go yourself if he won't go.......