Should I pay for his insecurities?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2009
Should I pay for his insecurities?
7
Sat, 05-23-2009 - 2:24am
I am 8 months pregnant, and have been with the father of my child for 2 years now. Since I've been pregnant, I've had awful gut feelings that things were weird between us. In the past few months, I have had to on several occasions confront him about text messages from girls, emails, whatever. He always says it's innocent, but that he'll stop if it makes me uncomfortable. I don't care if he has girls as friends, but as a couple who apparently love each other so much - we should know these things about each others lives. Two days ago, he left his myspace open (the root of all evil)...and there was a rather disturbing e-mail to a girl he used to date I guess...saying how he always is checking up on her - and that he misses what they had and he loves her. He continues on saying inappropriate things. When confronted he says it was just joking around.....but I certainly don't talk to my friends that way. He now says that he's insecure and he talks to all these girls to make himself feel better about his insecurities. Then he goes on and says he swears he'll stop messing up, that he knows there is no excuse for it...but how much can you take before you stop believing that? I personally can't even look at him right now. I know he feels awful, because the thing is...he's not a bad person. He doesn't treat me the way you'd think someone who does this would. I want to believe him, but certainly don't know if I can forget. I want to do what's best for my child and myself - and for some reason I can't figure out what to do. I treat him good, am always truthful and up front, and I am always there for him. I'm not the type of person that takes this kind of crap, but now there is a kid involved. If I stay, I don't want this to turn into a relationship where I am constantly looking for something wrong, or thinking that he's always doing something wrong. I certainly don't want to treat him badly because I don't trust him...that's unfair to both of us. Granted, he has not physically done anything, but it still damages me emotionally the same way. I realize this is a decision only I can make, but any opinions on ways to work on it, or explain why this is happening would be greatly appreciated..
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sat, 05-23-2009 - 2:58am
Many men just love getting attention from other women just cause it feels good and gives them an ego boost. He may think saying this stuff is a joke but it's not. Tell him if he really loves you that he would not be doing things that are hurtful and make you feel insecure. Maybe you should ask him how he would feel if you were online saying these things to another man. Basically he needs to realize that it's inappropriate and that you won't put up with it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2008
Sat, 05-23-2009 - 3:09am

I think the insecurity thing is very common. The flirting is an ego-boost and it's really easy to feel secure and "good" with someone when there's no real commitment, because while commitment means security it also means bills and problems to work through and a baby on the way!

Ironically his actions will only cause more insecurity, because, despite any excuses, he knows it's wrong.

Also, every time he puts energy into another relationship, it undermines your family. So you might want to talk to him about putting that emotional and mental time and energy into the relationship that you two have instead of spending it somewhere else.

Think of some boundaries you can live with. For me there were certain people my H had to delete from his phone and he got rid of his Facebook and MySpace pages. YOU need to decide what you are okay with and communicate that - it will probably be a work in progress.

Also, if your bf is serious about "not messing up" any more, he needs to give you full access to his phone, email, etc.

Many of us here considered that snooping before we discovered what was going on. Now we feel it is our right to have access and it helps keep things honest and accountable. We call it "trust, but verify."

I am sorry you find yourself here especially with a baby on the way.

I wish you the best with your new little one and in your relationship as well. Please keep us posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Sat, 05-23-2009 - 2:49pm
They all try to downplay it.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2009
Sat, 05-23-2009 - 3:11pm
Thanks for all of your input. I spoke to him, and he is very clearly remorseful and has agreed to couples counseling, to delete his myspace, and give me all of his passwords. Of course now I have the battle in my head of whether this will just make him more sneaky...but that's my issue. I made it clear to him that if this is ever going to work, we need to be open books with each other...he has huge issues with communication. He said he will do anything, because he doesn't want to ever hear or see me as hurt as I was when I found the emails. I told him that we all have urges, but we also know the difference between right and wrong...stop choosing wrong! He also says that he wants us to have our happy little family - I told him this is the last chance for that with me. It's all on the table, and I will keep you updated. Thanks again, it's good to know I'm not alone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2007
Sat, 05-23-2009 - 4:48pm

I actually didn't take the time to read everyone else's responses, however I have been through this. My soon to be EX Husband was this way while I was pregnant with our first son. And you do want to give them the benefit of the doubt, especially when there is going to be a child involved, and you DO love him. I am not saying that every man is the same by any means, however, if he truly meant it when he said he would stop, he would have stopped the first time you asked him to. He can blame it on his insecurities or anything else but what it comes down to is are you willing to put yourself behind his wants, or insecurities? Right now what is the most important is thinking about you being happy with yourself and baby, and take it from someone who knows, it will be much easier to deal with now, though it doesn't feel that way, than it will be when you have your baby and you feel like you have fallen in love with him all over again. If you allow him to continue doing this he will not have boundaries when it comes to walking all over you. My Husband

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2009
Sat, 05-23-2009 - 8:44pm
What you've just said is at least 80% of what I feel. I do not like to play the fool, so I feel like I'm taking a huge risk right now - and I know you've probably thought this part too...but I've prepared myself for it. I wonder if I can truly balance caring without caring? I feel like if I don't try this until at least he sees our daughter, then I didn't really try for him and her. It's important for me to have him feel what it's like to be a part of his own family - and hope that it's enough. I can assure you, this is the last chance for him - and he knows that. I appreciate your feedback, and I'm sorry you had to go through that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2007
Sat, 05-23-2009 - 9:34pm
There is never truly a balance between caring and not caring. You two will share a life. One that is half you and half him. You will always love this man, you will always care about him. That never goes away. Even after he took off, with the utmost of betrayal possible I still Love him, I will always care for him. But that doesn't mean it works. I know you feel you owe him and maybe you are right and should give him this opportunity to be a family with you and his daughter. Just watch out that you don't lose yourself in the process of trying to change him. It happens much faster than you might think, and you don't even notice until you have to try and find out who you are all over again.