D-Day was about a month ago. He is still seeing
He should have to deal with the consequences. He shouldn't, however, have to deal with revenge, which is what this sounds a bit like. My situation is quite a bit different in that everyone he worked with and most of his family knew about the A before I did, so the only people I could really "tell" were people that would side with me and be angry and judgmental. Which would only serve in causing him pain, not in alleviating mine.
In your situation, I think you might be better off telling the OW that he is still talking to you about a reconciliation. The downside to that is that if SHE then ends it... well, you're getting sloppy seconds. Can you live with that?
Another option might be making the first move in starting divorce proceedings, since he doesn't seem 100% on board with the notion of rebuilding. The problem with this is that if you're bluffing and he calls it... well, you're getting a D. Can you live with that?
Or you could give him what you consider a reasonable deadline (i.e., 24-48 hours to END the A, initiate NC, etc.), after which point you will call an attorney, but again, it would have to be something you're willing to stand by.
And you should NOT be willing to stand by and be the 3rd person in your marriage, THAT'S for damn sure.
NO, I didn't tell everyone--only a close girlfriend who I knew I could trust.
His waffling and discussing reconciliation has been for about 3 weeks,
HI, It looks like your DH is fencesitting. Have you seen the "180" that gets bumped up on this board from time to time? You may want to instigate it in your situation. As long as he knows you are waiting in the wings, he may just stall and stall as he may enjoy having two woman by his side.
Do you want to try to have another relationship with this man? The old relationship is dead! Do you have children? If you want him out of your life then it seems like the answer to his question about "what has to happen to get us back together?" is easily said (not easily felt) "I don't want us to get back together" but if that is what you DO want, then it seems like the answer to the question could be "if we are to begin anew, we need to have the relationship between just us, your other woman will have to leave the picture for good" he may decide he doesn't want to do that.. in which case you have settled it for yourself...
I just reread your post and man is it good!