Similarities

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2009
Similarities
10
Mon, 08-10-2009 - 6:41pm

I have read all the postings today.

T.J.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2007
In reply to: whatnow2009
Wed, 08-12-2009 - 9:37pm

Hi,


It has been a little over two months since I hacked the wifes email and found out she was having an affair. I was numb for about a week and couldn't function. I then and am still very angry and hurt. I only know that time is going to be your best friend. You have to allow yourself to feel all of your emotions, and its okay to feel them. Don't let your husband make you feel bad if you get angry or yell at him, its to be expected. I would really suggest a good marital counselor for yourself and for couples therapy. The last thing you want is to sweep this under the rug and go through it again. My wife doesn't get the pain she has inflicted upon me. She thinks I should be over it by now and move on. I can tell you to take it one day at a time, find a hobby you enjoy and do nice things for yourself.


God bless.

If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it!
If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2009
In reply to: whatnow2009
Wed, 08-12-2009 - 10:29pm

I send this risking your wrath. I was the OW.

Every single thing you listed that he did to you , he did to me as well.

I know that I deserved it. I was a selfish B who liked those good feelings that stupid blind sex drive gives you. I failed as a human being, as a woman, and I am ashamed.

I dont care who you are,you did not deserve this . I was told many lies about you that I now know make no sense.

My point is that he is a liar and only thinks of himself. I pray to God that somewhere in his heart he truly loves you and is just lost. Because he doesn't love me, or any of the others if they exist. I don't even think he loves himself, which may be the problem.

I am truly sorry and will never forgive myself. I hope you accept that for the truth that it is. Even though I am not the OW in you situation, I feel that most on this side of it are very regretful of their actions.You are completely justified in your feelings and reactions. I wish I never met him, and that I was a better person.

I am truly sorry that I was a part in your pain.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
In reply to: whatnow2009
Thu, 08-13-2009 - 4:33pm

it took a great deal of courage to lay it all out there as you did. I know it was not easy.

my h had many 'others' - when i found out and sent them all emails those that responded were the ones who did NOT know he was married. the ones who chose to refer me as a **tch, well i knew what that was all about and rather then let it go i told them all the hurtful things he said about them. i knew what i was doing, but could not control myself - no, that is a lie, i could have controlled myself, but chose not to. i wanted them to feel just as bad as i did. there was a difference though, they had a few months or in the 'ones' case 2 years i had 28 (at the time).

i do not judge you, as dr. phil says "when we know better we do better".

i hope you know that you deserve far better than 2nd best - you deserve to be with a man to whom you are truly dedicated to and he to you. i am sure you have seen first hand just how deceitful some men can be. they lie and lie and lie - and did i mention they lie? ha ha

i often have wondered if any of the 'other women or other men' take into consideration that absolute horrid pain that is inflicted when the wife/husband and then kids find out? i have often wondered if they care, or are they so caught up in the whirlwind that are simply carried along until the end when like any storm there is so much collateral damage left behind.

you know i wish, i so wish, that i had not found the emails from her to him and him to her. filled with all of the rawness of the sex they shared. filled with words from to him to her like "you are the only woman i want to - and - and -. not only do i live with the self imposed pictures but unfortunately those words. betrayals like this can not be erased from the mind or heart like a child etch a sketch - OH BUT WOULDN'T IT BE WONDERFUL IF THEY COULD?

we all live in glass houses so to speak and i choose not to throw the first stone. i instead choose to believe that you made a mistake and have from that mistake. i instead choose to believe that you understand how selfish your actions were at the time. while you are not my other woman I FORGIVE YOU AND WISH YOU NOTHING BUT PEACE.

there is a point that i have failed to mention in all of this and a very important one at that I DID NOT MARRY THE OTHER WOMEN IN MY HUSBANDS STORY - NO I MARRIED HIM. HE WAS THE ONE WHO MADE THE PROMISE TO ME NOT THE OTHER WOMEN.

time for you to play it forward - if you know someone who is contemplating an affair - share with them all that you know. explain the devastation it causes. save another unsuspecting wife and children from experiencing their world coming to a stand still.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2009
In reply to: whatnow2009
Thu, 08-13-2009 - 5:16pm

HI,


Thank you for your kind words.

T.J.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2009
In reply to: whatnow2009
Thu, 08-13-2009 - 5:36pm

WOW!

T.J.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2009
In reply to: whatnow2009
Thu, 08-13-2009 - 5:52pm

HI,


Like you I was fed so much information about what they had been doing along with all that I already knew it made things so unbearable.

T.J.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2007
In reply to: whatnow2009
Thu, 08-13-2009 - 7:13pm

I read your post and the word 'victim' really stood out. I am learning to not let this situation make me a 'victim' but rather a survivor. I would encourage you to do the same. The last thing you want to do is take on a victim mentality that will only leave you feeling angry and stuck. It has been a couple months for me and it would appear that your H affair is pretty recent as well, give yourself time to grieve and just be good to you. I can see all the emotions that you feel are similar to mine, the anger, rage, hurt and disbelief that someone you commited your life to did this horrible thing. I hope you find some peace in therapy and quality friends. I made a list tonight of what I will and will not accept from my wife and plan to give it to her. For far too long I operated out of fear, but no more! I am going to live a fearless life and if she cant accept my list then I can walk away from this marriage loving her, but will walk away.


God bless!

If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it!
If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
In reply to: whatnow2009
Thu, 08-13-2009 - 7:24pm

i spoke to you of some of the things - but there is a 'detail' that haunts me every day - every time i look at him. my husband too had unprotected sex with ALL of them. with one, the one he was involved with for 2 years they engaged in an** sex. the thought of it sickens me. i mentioned the emails between the two of them - they took great care to describe every aspect of it - talk about a mental tape playing over and over. his take was if i had not broken into his email i never would have know. God, give me strength!!!!!!!!!!!!

additionally last year he told me he had testicular cancer, his one testicle is the size of a watermelon. while i was still consumed with the pain i tried to be nice. come to find out he has a hydrocoele. he LIED TO ME, yet again. he said he got tired of being held hostage to what he had done and thought this would shut me up.

so,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, as i have stated many times the man that shares my home (i no consider myself married) has showm me who he is AND I FINALLY BELIEVE HIM.

it is going to take time. you need to ask yourself if you want your new beginnings to work. i mean you have to really look at it. something tells me you do. but right now you are in pain and it is going to take a lot of time and a great deal of rebuilding on his end. as dr. phil says (and i wonder why 'he' hates dr. phil) your husband is the one who drove this into a ditch and it is going to take his efforts that get it out. trust is not something you betray and then regain instantaneously; no he is going to have to show you that he does want it to work and will do whatever it takes. many times i have read on this board statements from betrayed spouses where the betrayor agreed to total access. what i mean by that is all passwords, all email addresses, access to phone history, availability at all times. i sat here envious, hel* all i got was 'i'm sorry lets move on'. but as my words of wisdom come back to haunt me THAT IS WHAT I SETTLED FOR. i guess what i am trying to say is do not settle.

you know don't you that you can never go back to the way it use to be. that is the hardest part of all for some. but if you think about would you want to? now that you know it is time for both of you to rebuild A NEW LIFE, that old one is gone. those who try to go back are trying to build on a foundation that has been hit by a major 10.0 earthquake, and any one who knows anything about earthquakes knows that a 10.0 leaves everything in rubble. but and this is a big BUT if you decide it is important to you you can rebuild on a new, better, stronger foundation. one that is built on honesty, integrity, love, respect and fun. don't forget the fun.

my comments to the other woman were to a stranger - someone i did not know - someone who had not hurt me - someone i COULD be kind to. in all honesty i can not say i would have said those words to some of the women 'he' was with. why???? because they knew. why???? because they were cheap. why???? because they could meet a man they met on the internet adultfriendfinder and sleep with him unprotected the first time, just to get off. sorry if i offend.

integrity, legacy - what do men leave behind in the the eyes of their children when the betray. according to 'him' his life was none of their business. the illegitimate daughter he never saw was the daughter of a welfare who** (what did that make him?). we have raised 10 children his, mine, ours, 2 nephews and foster sons. but in reality he did not raise any of them, no he was too busy being mr. don juan. when our baby girl, then 16 found out she was devastated. in her words "you were like a God to me, i wanted to marry someone just like you, now i see that you were nothing but a dirty man - how could you do this to my mom". that was the biggest hurt of all you know, when your child finds out and you see the world they knew come crashing down. there are no words to put that world back together, none. ask your husband about that - how would he have felt if his children were to have learned of it. heck mine was out wining and dining the other women, taking them to the movies. i guess he never thought about how he would react if he were to run into her or one of her friends or one of the friends parents. SELFISH.

as i mentioned it is going to take time. but you MUST try to stop the tapes from playing in your mind. if you do not stop you will find that those tapes take over and you will be consumed. i would like to recommend a book for you it is called 'your best life now' by joel osteen. i am NOT aa religious person but i consider myself a spiritual person. i bought this book at the insistance of a poster on this site - it was the best investment i ever made. as i read it it was as if he was speaking to me. i have recommended it to many posters and they all agree it is a must read for anyone feeling like a useless piece of mess (and isn't that what all of this does to us?).

another saying "you have got to stop looking in the rear view mirror". you will never be able to move on if you don't start looking forward thru that windshield vs the rear view mirror.

you are deserving of the best that life has to offer, never forget that. you must start living again, for yourself. our children know when something is wrong - we do not have to say a word. if you can show them that you are a fighter, that you love yourself enough to be happy - WELL THAT IS THE BEST GIFT YOU CAN GIVE THEM. do not allow yourself to curl up in a ball, that is self defeating - now believe me i know it is hard. what i left out was the fact that i tried to commit suicide once and was in the process of doing it for real when someone on this very site pulled me back into reality. LIVE, DARN IT - do not let this define you.

what he did was all about him and his macho macho man ego and the 'head' between his legs. mine started taking viagra (i could write a book about this jerk); and became consumed with his computer, the web sites, porn, and cheating.

regarding him treating you like a queen - well you need to let him know this is not queen for a day (old tv show before your time) but queen for life. he should have been treating you this all along.

have you read the 180* list on this site? if not do so - it will help you to find you again.

we are here for you, we all understand, we have been there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2009
In reply to: whatnow2009
Tue, 08-18-2009 - 8:15pm

HI Girl,


Your words are so profound, I have printed your post.

T.J.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2009
In reply to: whatnow2009
Tue, 08-18-2009 - 8:33pm

HI There,


You are right, the affair was very recent, less than two months, June 22nd in fact.

T.J.