Snooping okay?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2013
Snooping okay?
Fri, 07-19-2013 - 1:56am

I've been in a relationship for about 2 years off and on again with my girlfriend.   She's a great girl or at least I thought.   Here's the gist.   

About a year ago ethereal was a lot of issues going on in my personal life which was too much for her to deal with at that time.   She started talking to a friend of her brothers and I ended up ending things with me to date him.    We still would date but not exclusive and this point I didnt know about the other guy.   We were watching a movie and stumbled upon some pictures of them out of town when she had told me she was with her dad.   I ended things.   

After a while we reconnected (6-8 months) and she had ended things with that guy and briefly dated someone else in the mean time.   That was about 10 months ago.   We have been together since and even moved in together since we both needed places to stay.  

Every so often I snoop through her phone to make sure things are going on like they did in the past.      We are going away for the weekend with some friends in the morning and I found a message when I checked today.  "I miss you too." From the guy that she dated before me.   

I confronted her about this and instead of offer a believeable story she tells me she's as confused as I am since she never sent him a message prior, but can't pthe that since she deleted it.    And then instead of being on the defensive, she gets highly upset with me for not trusting her and snooping.  

So I'm wondering am I right to be upset?    am I wrong and that's the bigger picture than the message?     Oh.  And when confronted I asked if anyone messages her and she denied it.  Even when I asked about the guy by name.    

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 07-19-2013 - 11:33am

Well I think this relationship is doomed.  I say if you can't trust someone so that you feel compelled to snoop, you might as well break up with them.  Now you say that in the past she broke up with you to date someone else--even though that's hurtful, she didn't do anything wrong at that time since you had agreed that you could date other people.  yes it was wrong to lie and say that she was with her dad when she was with another man, but it really wasn't your business who she was with since you weren't in a relationship.  The 2nd mistake was that you moved in together because you needed places to stay, not because you were so serious that you felt that you wanted to live togetehr--you both should have gotten roommates.  Now you found out about this guy and she is actually honest enough to tell you that she's confused about your relationship--would it have been better if she had made up some dumb story that he mistakenly texted her?  Of course she got upset that you snooped on her phone--who wouldn't?  You have no right to do that.  I think the thing to do is for the 2 of you to have a serious discussion about your relationship, not accusing and not fighting, but discussing what is the state of your relationship?  Does she really want to be committed to you or is she sorry that you moved in together and does she not want a commitment?  Is it time for you to figure out a way where one of you moves out?  If you decide to stay together, you have to be honest with yourself about whether you can trust her w/o snooping on her?  If you can't, then you need to break up.  I can see with married people that if someone has cheated, that person should be an open book--but that should be an agreement between the spouses that the cheater understands and agrees that the betrayed spouse can look at all their texts, emails, etc. because they have been betrayed--it's an open door policy, not that the BS has the right to secretly look at the texts w/o telling the other person.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Mon, 07-22-2013 - 12:19pm

If you need to snoop, then you don't trust her, and if you don't trust her, you don't need to be with her.  Simple as that.  You two live together, not because you loved and trusted each other and wanted to take it to the next live together because it was both needed a place to live. 

"Confrontation" rarely resolves issues.  TALKING calmly about problems is how things should be dealt with.  If you can't do that, then the issues or your personalities aren't going to solve anything.  If there's no trust, then you have nothing but a future of misery. 

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Tue, 07-23-2013 - 1:53pm

I agree with the others. The larger issue is not whether it is OK to snoop or not, but whether you REALLY want to go there. What I mean by "there" is being in a realtionship where you feel the need to snoop all the time. That will wear on you after a while and is unsustainable in the long run. With all the women in this world why stay with this one and have conflict and confrontation and suspicion? Best bet is to forget about her and find someone else.