So Confused and don't know what to do

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2013
So Confused and don't know what to do
8
Mon, 04-15-2013 - 1:07pm

Will try to make a very long story short. . .   Married 18 years, found out husband was having affair that lasted 3 years, forgave him, went to counseling, moved on to what I thought was a better relationship.  After 2 years of "the moving on" sketchy things started happening that made me start second guessing his faithfullness again.  He started a new job and worked with basically all younger women and started hanging out with them.  There were deleted text messages, long phone conversations (per cell phone bill), just things that in the pit of my stomach that were not right.  When I would ask him about these things, he could never give me a rationale explanation.  I expained to him that because of the "past affair", I needed reassurance.  He would get upset and tell me that he has done nothing wrong and it was not fair that I will never let that affair go.  We started arguing more and more over stupid things and I swear, I do not know where some of these arguments came from.  I would ask him why is he spending so much time with these women at work and he would tell me that they are his friends and he enjoys spending time with them.  I would ask him why does he not want to spend time with me and treat me like he treats them and he said because I am a bitch.  This went on for a year.  He now has gotten a new job in another state and has moved.  I have told him that it is over, that I deserve to be with someone that I can trust and that wants to be with me.  He keeps calling, texting, emailing me wanting to work things out.  I love him so very much and am really hurting and confused.  We have 3 children (2 that are older), one still at home with me.  I guess I have held on so long because of my children, I know our younger child is hurting because of the absence of his father. 

I cant prove that he did anything wrong after the 3 year affair but there are things that just don't add up and he cannot give me a rationale explanation.  What do I do?  Move on or give him yet another chance?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2013
Mon, 07-01-2013 - 12:25pm

So, many things have happended since my last post.  I got some possible confirmation that my husband was having an affair with one of the young women at work.  So, I went in to the office, headed straight to the young women's office closed the door and said to her "I know about the affair, actually, I have suspected for quite some  time but now I have confirmation on several levels. So, you can either admit it to me now or I am going down to HR and reporting you and you will be terminated because this affair is a direct violation of our companies policy or I will subponea you and every person in this office during divorce proceedings". So, she admitted that she was having an affair with my husband. 

I felt like I finally could close the door , felt good.  Oh, and he still is trying to deny it!  I got it straight out of her mouth and cannot believe that he is still trying to deny!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2013
Sun, 04-21-2013 - 9:53pm

Yes, he was hanging out with them after work on many occasions.  And I cannot prove that the calls were not about business but my gut tells me otherwise and the calls were frequent, not during business hours and long.  He swears that he has not cheated on me since the affair but he also cannot give me any rational explanations regarding the deleted texts, phone conversations, etc. .   He did say he deleted the texts because he thought I would get upset, well I feel if you have nothing to hide you hide nothing and after the affair, I have reason to doubt him.

I will be seeing a therapist tomorrow and it's funny to say that I this is the only thing I have been looking forward to in a long time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Thu, 04-18-2013 - 12:51am

I have 2 questions.1) Was he hanging around with them just at work or after working hours?  2) Do you know for sure that these long phone calls were with these women and not business calls? As far as you moving, I would be sure that he wants you to move by him because he's come to the realize that he really screwed up and doesn't want to lose the most important thing in his life (his family) and not just because he's lonely there cause loneliness can sometimes make people somewhat desperate. And you know it's natural for you to feel doubtful and insecure after your husband had a 3 yr. affair because that is no doubt what caused all these feelings to surface in the first place. He needs to realize this and that him getting all overly friendly with these women at work is not going to do anything to help you feel secure that he's commited himself to your marriage. Boundaries with female co-workers and friends have to be set and respected after an affair and he needs to show you that he really gets that. And from what I've seen on this board, a lot of married men don't  seem to think their doing anything wrong concerning other women unless their sleeping with them. Now as for whether you should move by him, only you can make that difficult decision on whether you want to give him another chance. If you have any no trust left in him it won't be easy and may take a long time to get over those feelings. Good luck in whatever you decide.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2013
Wed, 04-17-2013 - 7:22am

You are right, he is messed up and for the first time in a long time, you guys have made me feel like I am not the crazy one.  I do know he loves me but he is messed up.  We have tried the counseling thing and he lied to the counseler. 

I think I am more scared that IF and ONCE I get through all of this heart break, I will shield myself so much that I will never love again because it hurts too much.  This stuff sucks so bad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Tue, 04-16-2013 - 1:56pm

I think he's proven he has trouble just being friends with women, and that's going to continue to nag.  And why wouldn't it?  Many of us are in this very same boat, realizing he did it once (or more) and there he is in contact with all kinds of other women.  He truly doesn't want to acknowledge there's a problem here.  So he wants to spend time with them rather than you "because you're a bitch".  How nice!!!  I hear counseling banging on your door so you can put together a confusing mess and help you help yourself.  A 3-year affair is a major affair exactly as a one-nighter is a major affair to the spouse.  Kids always make decisions harder, but you have a huge trust issue.  It's HIS job to fix the trust issue while you observe and be certain whatever decision you opt for ends up being the right one.  Once trust is damaged, oh boy, it can take many years to work thru that, and it sounds like he expects you to do that with a snap of the fingers.  Doesn't work like that, as Dr. Phil says, he works on the trust issue and answers ALL of your questions UNTIL.  Read After the Affair, it'll open your eyes.  Your story is familiar to many of us, we sympathize.  If things aren't adding up, enough said - that little voice in your head is screaming at you to BE CAREFUL.  Do what is best for you and your kids, he messed it up. 

 

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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Mon, 04-15-2013 - 8:46pm

  There is more to this.  When a person becomes insecure it clouds everything.  Before doing anything it would be good to examine this with a therapist.  We cannot see exactly what the interaction were over time.  So it could be that there was a disconnect that occurred.  But inthe end it has to be worked out one way or the other.

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2013
Mon, 04-15-2013 - 2:13pm

He wants us to move and live with him and I have told him that I just cannot do it anymore, emotionally, I cannot take it.  I simply cannot trust him.  I feel like I needed to make sure that I gave our marriage every chance so I could say that I tried everything.  I do love him and always will but I do know that I deserve more than what he would give me.  I think I know in my heart it is the best scenario to move on but I am so very sad about the whole situation.  I am sad for my son because I know that he misses his father tremendously and that kills me more than anything.

I need advice on how to move on and quit dwelling on it all.  I want so much to be happy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 04-15-2013 - 2:04pm

Only you can make the ultimate decision of course.  I think that your gut feeling about the co-workers was probably right.  For someone who has been caught having an affair and who wants to work things out, you'd think he would be very upfront about everything and no secrets--so why was he deleting messages if he had nothing to hide?  And why was he hanging out w/ his young female co-workers anyway?  He should have been coming right home after work to be with you to show you that you were important to him.  Instead he preferred to spend his time with his "friends".  so since he moved to another state, was the plan for you & your child to move there with him or did he expect to live by himself?  that sure would be convenient for someone who had a propensity for cheating.  Actually I don't think I could have forgiven him for the long term affair, but that's just me.