So confused..update photos to gmail

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2007
So confused..update photos to gmail
Wed, 01-01-2014 - 1:52pm

I am going back and forth with this whole thing.  One day I hate him, one day I want to work it out, one day I want to move on asap.  BF doesn’t know I know yet.  More investigation I found his sis set the whole thing up for him.  She is currently on this site whining to all the men about how lonely she is and needs a man with dignity???

Do I confront him with the evidence and leave? (I know when I used to confront XH to no avail…he just got more and sneakier…The whole time I thought we were rebuilding he was with her.  He NEVER ENDED WITH HER….

Do I Just leave with no explanation? Leave with an explanation????Start a big fight with him over it before leaving???

I am so confused right now…As you know he listed he is single and looking for “friends”  and has been chatting with about three women, mostly about stupid stuff, weather and vacations…The website is “Meetme” and is like a facebook (The old yearbook???) in it is a social networking site but you can date on it if you wish…One male freind said what he is doing is harmless as he is not talking to these women about sex; however he is checking out profiles of young skimpy clothed women and adding others as freinds. 

Anyway I am in the process of moving things.  His stuff is packed and my stuff is gone out of his house.  I have family pics of his and awards and such that I need to take down and bring to his house. 

I know in the past I was given a 180 list for my XH.  Is it worth doing with BF?  I would hate to give up all we have..I know I sound really stupid…

I guess I am hoping BF will come crawling back asking for forgiveness like XH did. In my fantasy world he would delete the profile, promise to never do it again. We go to counseling and I would have full access to that f’ing Iphone.  But do I really want that?  In reality am I just prolonging the inevitable?

Basically I think that if we take a break with the 180 list my answers will come to me in a more logical way..I think…I really hate that this is happening over the holidays, where someone else stated that it is impossible to get anyone on the phone much less a therapist…

How should I end or not end it?????  WWYD????

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Wed, 01-01-2014 - 3:49pm

I can't tell you what you should do. You really have to follow your heart here. But I will give you some things to think about:

I think you said that he was cheated on by an ex? And he knows that you were cheated on. So he should know that cheating and lies, or anything that seems like it, drives a knife into the heart of a BS. And he's a mature grown man, not a naive young guy who doesn't know much about relationships or being hurt. So what does that say that he would secretly do something that would hurt you so much, and then lie about it too?

Because he travels so much for his work there will be a lot of times when he could screw up if he's not 100% commited to being faithful to you in every way. And with his sister helping him to go on these websites he obviously not getting family support to "do the right thing". I would have a lot of trouble with trusting a man in this situation....and when the mistrust starts bad thoughts often snowball and the relationship gets harmed.

You'll have to decide if there's even enough to put back together; and if he's worthy of another chance (and if he even wants another chance). Best of luck in figuring this out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Wed, 01-01-2014 - 9:21pm

Since you asked what I would do, I'll tell you that I don't give cheaters second chances. He's lying and says he's single. He only cares about himself. A person who really loved you would not want to make friends with female strangers. A man who really loved you would never jeopardize your relationship by crossing boundaries. Value yourself enough not to accept garbage in your life. Keeping cutting the loser loose so you can be free when a man worthy of you enters the picture. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 01-02-2014 - 11:22am

I think if the trust is gone in a relationship, it's time to move on--you don't want to spend all your time checking up on him and wondering what he's doing, do you?  And isn't it strange that his sister is involved in this?  Does she really dislike you or something?  Of course when you have a long term relationship, I do think that you shouldn't just disappear--you should tell the guy why you are leaving.  then he will probably say it's harmless but I would question why he feels the need to contact women strangers to chat with them.  There are women all over the place and you can't expect him never to talk to women, but talking to a woman he works with is different--there is a reason for him to talk to her.  But I don't know what kind of good explanation he could even think of to chat up women he doesn't know--is it boredom?  does he get some kind of excitement out of it?  is it the thrill of maybe getting caught?  I just can't imagine.  I'm on Facebook but I only have people I actually know as "friends"--not strangers.