so hes coming home for a while

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
so hes coming home for a while
5
Fri, 09-10-2010 - 2:09am

So he got permission today to work from home for 6mts he says so that we can work on fixing us. the trouble with it the resentment has already started and hes not even here yet. He’s fixated on the scarafices that he is having to make. The things he has to give up.. the relationship with the OW. He already blames me for everything that this is now also my fault. I didn’t ask him to do this he decided it’s what needs to be done and maybe it is. But I have trouble with it when he is so angry about it that it won’t make anything better. He has faught with me everynight this week. Balmeing me.. he got mad when he thought he figured it out.. that he could let all the stuff from our history go but still continue his “friendship” with the OW.. but when I told him that was not ok he got mean/ugly again verbally attacking me.



He is so caught up in the poor me my life sucks that I don’t see the next 6mts being good for either of us. there are so many issues. I don’t understand why he won’t just walk away. I have given him every chance to do that. But he is still here. It’s almost like he wants to stick around so he can make me miserable. I feel like I’m being trapped into a worse situation that what we are already in. that he will resent me more and more each day that his is stuck here at home with me. That it’s not what he wants he just needs to figure it out himself.



iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Fri, 09-10-2010 - 7:14am

((((HUgs)))) interlirish!

Remember your H placing blame on you is a common thing among WS's. It seems to help them lessen their feelings of guilt by blaming the BS. I know it isn't easy but keep telling yourself it is not your fault-- he chose his own actions. His anger is also in the WS handbook (if there was one). He is acting like a spoiled child, "why can't I have this "friend', you're being mean to me" and stomping his feet.

You are right he needs to figure himself out through IC not by attacking you. Have you been to IC? It truly would help and I say this from personal experience. It may help you be calmer in this situation.

What I suggest will be difficult. Try to control your reactions to him, don't fight with him no matter how many of your buttons he pushes. Tell him what you feel as calmly as possible and if he reacts aggressively don't return the anger. Try to deal with this from a different angle so to speak. Then so you don't internalize any anger go sit in your car and scream or beat a pillow;) This 6 months will be telling to you. If he is really home to rebuild he will do everything in his power to do so not blame you for his actions or act like a big baby.

Focus on YOU, take care of yourself. It is not unreasonable for you to say NO to his "friendship" with this OW. You, his wife, should be his friend to talk to and lean on. Tell him this as calmly as possible. If he throws a tantrum just take a deep breath and walk away. Give yourself some sort of calming mantra to say in your head when he gets like this. I would repeat, peace, in my head over and over when exh was angry, yelling or blaming me. It really works!

We have absolutely no power over the actions or reactions of another person only our own actions and reactions. I absolutely know what it is like dealing with this crazy anger--blame. When I became calm myself and my ex-h continued it all became so clear for me. I'm hoping your H will see how crazy he is reacting and treating you and actually get with the rebuilding program.

If you are pregnant It is extra important that you be calm and take care of you! You and your possible little one are so very worth it.

Hang in there!

Ollie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
Fri, 09-10-2010 - 1:20pm
I am writing this for myself as well as you
Don't loose control, you have it don't forget it
he does not have to stay there if you don't want him there
if you are pregnant you do what is best for you and the child (an angry emotionally abusive man around may is not preferable)
do what is best for you
demand what you need
don't let him run over you
don't be afraid to push the envelope and discipline the overgrown child in him
if he is looking at you as a given fall back will always be there for him snap him out of it
thanks I needed that too lol
Peace & Strength to you Intelirish!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 09-10-2010 - 6:34pm

Any time.. i actually think that is what has caused some of our fights – he complained that I’ve changed. It use to be where he says something to me and just expects me to sit and take it..

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Sat, 09-11-2010 - 4:22pm

Glad you are feeling stronger intelirish! You are going to be just fine and even better that you have the support of your family.

hugs, Ollie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Sun, 09-12-2010 - 11:05am

Wow Intelirish! You sound really good in your last post! You are finding your inner strength to know what you deserve and to not take less . . . I know you may feel fragile at times too, hoping that everything will work out . . .

Please keep us posted about the possible pregnancy. I know that must be adding an entire dimension to your stress/emotions.

Hugs and good luck and take good care,
IM