SO lost and confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2009
SO lost and confused
7
Wed, 07-15-2009 - 8:34am

Good morning,


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Wed, 07-15-2009 - 2:01pm

I am so sorry that you find yourself here. There are lots of people here who know what you are going through. Emotional affairs hurt just as bad as physical affairs.


Emotional affairs take time, thought and energy from your relationship... your partner

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2009
Wed, 07-15-2009 - 3:23pm
Thank you so much.... This has been the hardest month of my life. I think of ways to fix it and I end up destroying it by bringing it up I can't help it. I love him I truly do but now that the trust isn't there I don't know where I stand. He tells me I just need to be honest with him and I wanna scream just as honest as you where. I feel that it had become physical but I have no proof and he works with this girl so he still sees her almost everyday at work and he gets upset if I go to his work cause he thinks I'm checking up on him. I don't know what I am going to do all I know is it can only get better cause you can't feel much worse than this. Thank you for taking the time to help me that is all I really need is someone to listen thats been there and understands. THANK YOU!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Wed, 07-15-2009 - 4:07pm

. I think of ways to fix it and I end up destroying it by bringing it up I can't help it.


How can you fix it if you can't bring it up? That is like telling the mechanic there is something wrong with the car but you won't discuss the nature of the problem but you want it fixed pronto. Or going to the doctor because you know that you have a medical problem but you can't discuss the symptoms so he can give you some good medical advice or help.


It takes two people working diligently to fix this type of problem. It sounds as if he just want to sweep this under the rug and continue what he is

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 07-15-2009 - 7:00pm
Your boyfriend has shown you his true character.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2009
Thu, 07-16-2009 - 11:27am
So I went to his work yesterday to pick him up and stayed outside like he wanted and the OW came out, i think she was leaving for the day, she saw me gave me this death glare and started laughing hysterically!!!! I was on my way to get out of the truck even though I have better judgment I just wanted to take all my anger out on her but I opened the door look up and there was he was. Of course he didn't see her and when I said something he told me to ignore her but WHAT???? REALLY!!!!! I told him it makes me sick that he brought someone like that into my life. Would it be wrong for me to ask him to change jobs? I told him about the whole writing it out, talking this out, setting a
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Thu, 07-16-2009 - 12:19pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2009
Thu, 07-16-2009 - 11:23pm

I can relate to your pain. Emotional affairs don't necessarily hurt less than physical affairs. The reality is that the flirtation and intense texting keeps escalating. It's a build up of intimacy that usually ends up being physical. I'm trying to be really honest with you. He's done it before, and you don't even know how many times. I know it's hard to accept because you want things to be different, but this is not a man who you want as a role model to your children. A break up early may be the easiest route, and you avoid a whole lot of pain later for you and the kids.

The alternative is to give him an ultimatum by spelling out the conditions you need both of you to agree on in order for you to stay in the relationship. Stick to your guns and do not act needy, and never plead. Act a bit more independent, start taking better care of yourself, exercise, join a gym, dress nicer, and start acting like your life is moving on. Don't go out of your way to serve him around the house. See friends and family, and make yourself slightly unavailable. If you can, show a smile and act happy (hum or sing) as you run around doing stuff. I know this sounds like the opposite of what you feel right now, but this is your only chance of getting him back. If you do this, he'll start to wonder what's going on with you. As you detach and act happy, he'll start to feel insecure and may begin to want to get closer. He may wonder if you found someone else. He'll definitely feel a bit confused why you're not down and upset, and on his case. This is like walking in the opposite direction than he would expect you to, it works. It'll test your strength, but it's a very powerful way to rebuild attraction. As you take better care of yourself and act more independent, that builds attraction.

If he agrees to your conditions, then give reconciliation a try. Just be aware that he'll probably be more careful and possibly find other ways to communicate with the other girl. Reconciling is always worth a try, but if your gut tells you, you can't trust him, then you need to find a new life - after you get rid of this cheat, and you also need to finalize your divorce. And whatever you do, STAY AWAY from dating for a couple of years - you need to heal and start to love you life first (alone), before you get involved again. Getting into another relationship on the rebound rarely works, and you have the proof.

Be strong, you and your children deserve better.

All the best to you.

Blue150