I am so sorry that you find yourself here. There are lots of people here who know what you are going through. Emotional affairs hurt just as bad as physical affairs.
Emotional affairs take time, thought and energy from your relationship... your partner
. I think of ways to fix it and I end up destroying it by bringing it up I can't help it.
How can you fix it if you can't bring it up? That is like telling the mechanic there is something wrong with the car but you won't discuss the nature of the problem but you want it fixed pronto. Or going to the doctor because you know that you have a medical problem but you can't discuss the symptoms so he can give you some good medical advice or help.
It takes two people working diligently to fix this type of problem. It sounds as if he just want to sweep this under the rug and continue what he is
I can relate to your pain. Emotional affairs don't necessarily hurt less than physical affairs. The reality is that the flirtation and intense texting keeps escalating. It's a build up of intimacy that usually ends up being physical. I'm trying to be really honest with you. He's done it before, and you don't even know how many times. I know it's hard to accept because you want things to be different, but this is not a man who you want as a role model to your children. A break up early may be the easiest route, and you avoid a whole lot of pain later for you and the kids.
The alternative is to give him an ultimatum by spelling out the conditions you need both of you to agree on in order for you to stay in the relationship. Stick to your guns and do not act needy, and never plead. Act a bit more independent, start taking better care of yourself, exercise, join a gym, dress nicer, and start acting like your life is moving on. Don't go out of your way to serve him around the house. See friends and family, and make yourself slightly unavailable. If you can, show a smile and act happy (hum or sing) as you run around doing stuff. I know this sounds like the opposite of what you feel right now, but this is your only chance of getting him back. If you do this, he'll start to wonder what's going on with you. As you detach and act happy, he'll start to feel insecure and may begin to want to get closer. He may wonder if you found someone else. He'll definitely feel a bit confused why you're not down and upset, and on his case. This is like walking in the opposite direction than he would expect you to, it works. It'll test your strength, but it's a very powerful way to rebuild attraction. As you take better care of yourself and act more independent, that builds attraction.
If he agrees to your conditions, then give reconciliation a try. Just be aware that he'll probably be more careful and possibly find other ways to communicate with the other girl. Reconciling is always worth a try, but if your gut tells you, you can't trust him, then you need to find a new life - after you get rid of this cheat, and you also need to finalize your divorce. And whatever you do, STAY AWAY from dating for a couple of years - you need to heal and start to love you life first (alone), before you get involved again. Getting into another relationship on the rebound rarely works, and you have the proof.
Be strong, you and your children deserve better.
All the best to you.