So lost....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2010
So lost....
11
Thu, 09-02-2010 - 8:56pm

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
In reply to: mommybesima
Thu, 09-02-2010 - 9:43pm
a day in the life of a BS huh? lol
I was rebuilding for 4 years I never gave up but it did not work
all my fears came to fruition in a drastic way
it is a crazy trip we are on
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
In reply to: mommybesima
Fri, 09-03-2010 - 12:25am
Have you gone to marriage counseling? Since you do have kids, I wouldn't be so quick to throw it all away so soon after the affair. You are still in the raw stages of this and it will take a long time to recover from this. He does seem very remorseful and seems like he wants to do whatever it takes to rebuild the marriage. And remember he may have learned a huge lesson from this and never risk doing this again. Plus there's no guarantee if you do divorce him that another man is going to love and accept your children as their father does, nor is there any guarantee that the next man isn't going to cheat on you either. All I'm saying is that I would not make a hasty decision so soon after the affair. The anger and hurt will subside as time goes on and he proves himself trustworthy again. It really sounds like his affair was more about sex than any feelings he had for her. To me it's a lot worse when they fall in love with the OW and want to leave you for her like mine did. What you are in is the anger stage now and it will eventually pass.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2010
In reply to: mommybesima
Fri, 09-03-2010 - 12:59am

Mom,

Good advise from peaceyma. Do nothing rash for at least 6 months, 1 year even better.

Get angry, be in a justified rage (not in front of the kids), do whatever it takes for you to stay strong. Don't keep emotions bottled up. Talk about it, as much as YOU need to. You both need to work on the relationship, but the burden and heavy lifting is his to carry. You need to take care of yourself while he does the heavy lifting. He did this to you. He disrespected you. He needs to clean up this mess, with your help - not the other way around.

It will be his actions, not his words, that will regain your trust. It is not for you to trust him, it is for him to act trustworthy.

Yes, generally men have sex (and maybe emotional attachment); women have emotional attachment (and maybe sex). He jeaprodised your marriage. He hurt you in ways he cannot comprehend. But in the process of losing your trust, he also lost his honor, he lost his integrity. He needs a good whack across the back of his head: "What the f*ck were you thinking?"

In truth, he really was NOT thinking of you at the time; thoughts of you were never in his mind. It was not about you, but it IS about him.

Remember, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. He did this to you. IF he is truly remorseful (not just regret), then you have a very good chance of coming through this together. Don't forgive prematurely. Observe his actions, but don't believe his words.

It will never be the same as before, but you can be together again happily.

Stay strong, do the 180, and take care of yourself.

David in Oregon

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2008
In reply to: mommybesima
Fri, 09-03-2010 - 1:26am

Hi Mommy: Really good advice here from peaceyma and David. I have been on board here for way too long and have seen that it really is true that it just does not work to try to make any decisions in the first few months. You are still in the raw stages of the trauma so please allow yourself time to let it all settle and you will find that ever so slowly each day gets a tad bit easier to get through.


For myself, I have been through two ddays and it took about 4-6 months until the worst of the emotions started to subside and clearer thinking would take over. I did have to get some meds though to take the edge off when the going got too tough.


The Beatles song "LET IT BE" was what I listened to when I just needed some peace when feeling torn up.


You are going to be ok, but make sure to post away when you need to vent vent vent. The WS will never really be able to understand what they have done to our hearts, but those here surely do.


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
In reply to: mommybesima
Fri, 09-03-2010 - 1:38am

You're still BLEEDING, and you're being far too hard on yourself.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
In reply to: mommybesima
Fri, 09-03-2010 - 1:39am
There are some people that say their marriage is not the same but actually better (but not for a long while) after the hurt and anger from the affair have passed. But this can only happen after the problems that existed before the affair are addressed. Many affairs happen because of unmet needs in the marriage, and once those needs are met in the marriage a spouse won't be as vulnerable to cheating again. I'm not saying that anything ever gives a spouse a license to cheat, but unless your dealing with a serial cheater (which has more to do with an individuals sense of entitlement, insecurity and/or lack of impulse control) it can actually be better.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: mommybesima
Fri, 09-03-2010 - 1:51am

i both hear and feel your pain..

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2010
In reply to: mommybesima
Fri, 09-03-2010 - 8:02am
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2010
In reply to: mommybesima
Fri, 09-03-2010 - 12:49pm

Hi,


We seem to be in the same position.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2010
In reply to: mommybesima
Fri, 09-03-2010 - 2:14pm

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