So sad to be back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2002
So sad to be back.
2
Sun, 12-29-2013 - 9:45pm

This site pretty much saved my life TWENTY years ago when I found out my husband was having a year-long affair.  It was shortly after our marriage and I was beyond devasted.  Initially I was the pathetic reverse of the 180.  When I think back I am horrified and embarrased by my neediness.  But after about a month of weight loss, sleeplessness, and self-hatred, I began to see clearly.  Because I dragged myself to a psychiatrist and got meds, counseling, and group therapy.  And there actually came a day when I looked at him and said "go".  "Go be with her if thats what you want.  I will be okay,  But you can't have us both."  

He ended it and we have been married 21 years.  I trusted him.  I never checked his cell phone,  I thought that would be an invasion of privacy (although I know he has looked thru mine many times).  We built a life together and had kids. I have always kept myself thin and pretty.  I gave him sex and love.  I am fun and funny and adventurous.  Some men have actually told me that I'm "the whole package" whatever that means.  Apparently nothing at all.

He gave me his phone a month ago because his nephew was asking to speak to me.  I have never even held his phone.  After our conversation, some sense of intuition told me to look thru it.  

Needless to go into great detail, but she is the 20 year old version of me (now 48).  He claims he never slept with her.  But they maintained a long distance relationship over TWO years.  He gave her money when we were struggling badly,  and told her some of my deepest secrets.  He called her sweetie and dear and they talked of how they missed each other,

All this while we were on vacation.  And financially struggling.  And making love.  Laughing, crying, and just...being married.  He sent her pics of our children.  And she sent him pics as well....

I was heartbroken.  Supposedly he ended it.  But whatever.  How many others have there been that I didn't catch?  How many others will there be in the future?  Everyone says "Oh he loves you so so much and he is so good to you!" That is true.  But my self esteem is wrecked.  I feel angry.  I feel like I want to retailiate.

Then I read the 180 tonite.  I swear it will save me.  

God bless to all who find themselves in these aweful circumstances.  Thank you for reading.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sun, 12-29-2013 - 11:24pm

Number 1:  Don't allow this to destroy your self esteem!  This isn't a failure on your part......it's HIS failure!  There's nothing wrong with you, it's all on him and his lack of values and honesty.  Number 2:  Go right ahead and feel angry......for a while, then calm down and decide what you'll do next!  Number 3:  No, you don't want to "retaliate"......that would mean sinking to his level.  Don't even think about what you "might" have missed over the years.....because whether or not you missed something, you were happy during that time. 

Now you have to think long and hard about what you want to do.  You're still a young woman, and you have a lot of years ahead of you.  Do you want to spend that time with him?  The first time around you let him make the decision (to stay).  Now it's your time to decide what you want to do with the rest of your life.  Chances are, he will apologize profusely, he will tell you he loves you (and believe it or not, he probably does), and he will promise that he'll never do it again.  But, in the end, it's up to you how you want to live the rest of your life.  You don't have to make a decision right away.  Weigh your choices carefully.  Being single isn't a picnic, and you'll likely meet men worse than him.  Your children are old enough to understand, and if they still live at home, they'll be moral support.  One thing, if he's been a good father, do NOT run him down to your children.  That will come back to bite you.  Let them make up their own minds.  Life goes on, and you need to decide how you want to live it.  Good Luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Sun, 01-12-2014 - 2:10am

I'm so sorry you are going through this again.  If there is anything good to be said about it, at least you know the ways to cope and what to do. That's little consulation, I know. Its so disappointing to think he would do something like this again, knowing how it hurt you before and now that you have children, them also.

Whatever you decide to do, know this~there ARE good men out there and life will go on. I don't agree with the other poster who said you're likely to meet someone worse. I found that advice very unhelpful, untrue and frankly quite insensitive. I also don't hold with the notion that men who do this kind of thing are good fathers. Maybe on the outside but not at all on the inside; its a farce. Good fathers do NOT put some OW before their families and good fathers do NOT jeopardize their children's home and future by cheating and the consequences it brings. They also don't hurt their kids' mother and their marriage with infidelity.

In the end, you are the one who has to decide what you can and can't put up with. Once trust is gone, its very hard to regain.  Much harder the second time. Wishing you the best....GW