So tonight.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2005
So tonight.....
7
Thu, 09-16-2010 - 11:34pm

Well, first of all, I got an appt w lawyer, turns out I actually know her in passing somewhat, to at least get advice on how to protect myself. I don't want to be screwed by my wife any more than I already have been so I'm really just making sure that I am protected as best I can be.



I have an appt w my doctor same day to get tested.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2008
In reply to: dadfor6
Fri, 09-17-2010 - 2:05am

Hi "dad", I have read your other posts and you have been given some excellent advise. Its also great that you are seeing a lawyer and your doctor. You may want to ask your doctor for some anxiety meds to take as needed while your are in the thick of the pain.



Are you aware of the stages of grief? If not, look them up because you are going to be going through these stages over and over for awhile. Right now you seem to be in the anger stage and a good hard walk/run, cardio session ect does wonders if only for a short time.



You are correct in thinking that the cheater cannot possibly know what their selfish actions have done to the spouse. NO ONE can understand how it feels unless they have been where we are. Your wife is most likely in the "fog" of the affair and she is probably still addicted to the highs that she gets from it all. Your comment about her saying its such a fastasy is very telling. These cheaters like the escape from real life and until they can break free from the addiction by complete NO CONTACT, then rebuilding will not work.



In the section below I bumped up the "180" post. Your situation is perfect for these actions. It will help you regain some sense of control when your world is spinning in all directions.



I wish you well. I went through much the same thing after being slammed with the knowledge that I was played the fool two times around. It is a hard hard thing

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2010
In reply to: dadfor6
Fri, 09-17-2010 - 5:37am

Hello Dad



first let me say again I wish your life was better and happier. I see you are making good moves. Try to remember that right now you are not open to anything your wife may say. Because nothing she may say is going to stop the pain. You need time to think about what you really want. I remember looking at the clock and telling myself I can make it and for 15 mins, I will not think about anything to do about my wife

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2005
In reply to: dadfor6
Fri, 09-17-2010 - 8:57am

THx Frank.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2005
In reply to: dadfor6
Fri, 09-17-2010 - 9:53am

Sorry for the lack of replying, I was on my phone and sometimes difficult to read things on the small screen.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: dadfor6
Fri, 09-17-2010 - 10:26am

Your W is compartmentalizing her life. In one box, she has you and your family and she gets what she needs from you while you take care of the kids and I bet she has pretty much checked out of that part of her life. In the other box, she has her fantasy land, her lover. In her deluded head right now, she doesn't see why she cannot have both.

While in the middle of his EA, my DH said to me that if I didn't have a problem, there wouldn't be a problem. He was right, but his attempt to emotionally bully me back into accepting his relationship with his OW didn't work. I had a problem and I wasn't going to pretend otherwise. If he could have convinced me that the problem was mine, he could have kept both of us, he could have kept pretending that one did not affect the other.

Right now this is all about her and how she feels and the chemical reactions going on in her brain. She is addicted to this R and is going to fall off the wagon again and again until she hits bottom so hard that she can no longer compartmentalize until she can no longer deny that one impacts the other and she cannot have both. She is going to stubbornly ride the fence until either your or her OM knocks her off. She is going to do what she needs to do no matter who she hurts to maintain things the way they are. There is a part of her that knows it cannot last, but she is going to ride that fence for as long as she can, because once she is off of it, she is going to have to face reality and that is going to be painful.

On the one hand, if she stays with you, she is going to have to do some hard work, some groveling, and a lot of looking at who she has become. Which is a cheat and liar. I doubt she thinks of herself in this way even now. She is looking at at least 2 years of helping you recover and then the rest of her life making sure you know that you can trust her. She will never have with you what she once had, you will never see her in the same way. She is going to have to watch you cry, she is going to have to hold you while you go through hell because of what she did to you, she is going to have to watch your self-esteem plummet into the toilet, and she is going to have to watch all of your kids be affected by it. It is going to suck for her pretty bad because she is going to have to accept responsibility for everyone's pain, not just her own. Since she is totally self-absorbed right now, this isn't a good option for her. She doesn't want to pay the piper.

On the other hand, she has the perfect lover right now, because she doesn't have to deal with who he really is. Most APs only see their partner in the best light even when the dark side comes through. They can afford to ignore it because the AP isn't someone they plan on building anything real with, but we all know that when the A becomes the main relationship the odds are it is going to suck. Obviously, she doesn't want this to happen either.

She is going to do what she can to avoid paying the piper and loosing her fantasy lover for as long as you let her no matter who she hurts along the way. She doesn't want to understand how much she has screwed up everyone's life, she doesn't want to face that pain, yours or hers. She is a coward.

Protect yourself and your children and I am not just talking about a lawyer. As long as she is allowed to have her cake, she is going to and you and your children are going to be the ones to pay for that cake. Protect yourself by not participating in the fantasy.

She can't make a choice? OK, you make a choice. This isn't just about what she wants. Start the 180, and stop being her soft place to land. She is not going to behave like a W, so stop behaving like an H. Do not do her laundry, do not cook her meals, sleep separately, if you do anything else for her to make her life easier, stop doing it. Stop taking care of her.

Do not be a buffer for her with your children or your family. Don't pretend that everything is just peachy when it isn't. Don't lie to your children that there are no problems. You don't have to go into detail, you don't even have to tell them exactly what is going on, but don't deny that their mother is screwing up royally if they ask. Don't lie to them. I bet they already know that there are problems and I wouldn't be surprised if the older ones have figured that your W is having an A. Kids are incredibly perceptive. Don't underestimate them.

Let her know that you expect her to start picking up the slack with the kids by doing her share of dropping off and picking up and other tasks. Make it so that she doesn't have time to take off on a Saturday. If she goes, tell her to take one of the kids so that you get a break or can do what you need to do without worrying about watching them.

Do not protect her from the truth of what she has done. What I mean by that is that you should not deny yourself the love and support of your family because you want to protect her from people knowing what she has become.

I know this hard, it is one of the hardest things you will ever do. The best thing you can do is to create some distance. Don't forget to take care of yourself in the middle of all of this pain. Exercising is a great stress reliever, so make sure you do it and eat even if food tastes like ashes. You are your kid's only sane parent at the moment, do it for them if not for yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2005
In reply to: dadfor6
Fri, 09-17-2010 - 12:31pm

Wow. There's a lot of really good info in there and a lot confirming what others have said too. So much of what you say makes sense, and seems like it really fits what's going on.

Thanks for your words.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
In reply to: dadfor6
Fri, 09-17-2010 - 12:59pm

Hi dadfor6, you are certainly on the right track! Sounds like you have a great weekend planned. Put yourself and your children first and it your W comes around great if not you will be just fine!

Pamme64 is so right on and I totally agree, ditto with all she has said.

sending good thoughts and strength your way!

Ollie