So wild that you may laugh!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2009
So wild that you may laugh!
Thu, 04-16-2009 - 3:35pm

This is one wild ride!

Lately my H has been making passing comments about my having a date with another man. He's been basically giving me permission to have an A. (Only emotional as far as I can tell.) He says that if I would like to go out on a date with a guy or something that he would be okay with that.

He's not saying it as a defense for himself. He's not waiting for me to say, "You too." It's really like he's giving me permission to have a revenge affair or something. It's weird! He must think it will even the score.

He doesn't want an open marriage (Is that what it's called when you aren't sexually exclusive with your spouse- and it's agreed upon?) He really just wants to even the score, I think.

I've told him that I don't want to go out with other men. And that I made a commitment to him. I told him that I am not okay with him going out on dates and that he does not have permission, nor is it acceptable on ANY level.

I don't even know what to think. Am I being manipulated, does he honestly think it will make

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
Thu, 04-16-2009 - 5:01pm
A and C.

"If something cannot go on forever, it will stop."  Herb Stein

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Thu, 04-16-2009 - 11:04pm

That first few weeks after D Day, my spouse was talking about having an open marriage. One of her girlfriends at work who was also having an affair came clean to her husband and he was like "ok" with it. They began swinging after that. My spouse was thinking along those terms.

When she began talking about this it really scared me. For the first time it dawned on me that this might really be over. Yeah, she's not there anymore. I think the anti-D meds helped her understand that the men were a way of self medicating. The meds and therapy helped her understand how screwed up all that was. Her mom found out about the swinging thoughts and every time she gets me alone she tells me how glad she is that I kept her daughter away from all of that and how I must really love her daughter to stick around.

I don't think the in-laws thought all that much about me before the A. I was capable of being a bit of a grump. DW would often check out when she was in their home and that drove me crazy with five kids running loose and dishes and work accumulating. Eventually I would get a gut full of it and erupt and take everyone home. Now I behave differently down there. I've learned that DW really does recharge when she spends with the family, watching soccer, band recitals, or chatting with her siblings. I've learned to make this concession. These days my MIL thinks I walk on water.

DW thanks me for not having a revenge affair. We both began talking about High School sweethearts after the affair and it dawned on her that she was in fact jealous and could be hurt. Right at that moment I pointed at her. It was a huge ah ha moment for her. She had a small taste of what I must be going through. NO open marriage for us.


5 kids ages 15-9, D Day: August 5, 2008

Status: Sorting Things Out.


We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Fri, 04-17-2009 - 1:31am
Unless he has always encouraged you to have an affair, then of course he's manipulating you.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2009
Sat, 04-18-2009 - 6:18am

I know how you feel about all this.

The only difference I have had with my H is that when he first deployed it was like he was wanting me to have an A just so he could. My husband is someone that usually wants sex everyday. So a 6 month deployment was killing him. While he was away he kept telling me that he wouldn't mind if I slept with another man, even though I know he would. But he kept saying it and saying it. Well later I got a call that some girl kissed him in his tent and he ran to call me.

I being dumb didn't make as big a deal as I should have. I should have freaked out more. But I didn't so that is what led to this later A.

Ever since we have been married he has always tried to tell me that it would be ok and that I should. Which has always confused me and bothered me. I also have wondered if he is just trying to manipulate me or is he just trying to get me to do it so that later he could admit what he has done and not feel bad. I don't know.

I wish you the best in trying to fix things and hope that all goes well with you. Also if you find out more about why they do this, then let me know.