Some answers and more questions

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2007
Some answers and more questions
Tue, 04-27-2010 - 9:02pm

So I am wondering if there is a "normal" road that you take to get through this process?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2010
Tue, 04-27-2010 - 10:44pm
all the WS would love to make believe it never happened and just put it in the past and keep moving, but that doesn't solve any problems.... As a BS, I think most of us want to know all we can know - me all the gory details, then whens, whats, wheres, hows, who paid, who did what to who etc.... but lots just want the basic details... no one I know has no questions.... MC is good, I couldn't even speak to my H for 4 months, locked him out, so you are already doing better than I was. My H moved back in w/ me 7 1/2 months ago, but brought home 2 STDs to me - so get throughly checked out and make sure he does too.
They will never volunteer much - but good he has started talking. Keep a journal, and keep a separate small book filled with every EVERY single question you have, no matter how intimate, or silly, as time goes by you may cross some out if you don't want to know the answer anymore, or you may want to know more, keep a list, and work on it as you work on your R. Good luck to you, you've found a good place here to be.....
You are already doing well for the time that you are after Dday.... hang in there... whether with or with out him, you will survive!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2008
Wed, 04-28-2010 - 9:53am
Is your H also in individual counseling? if not I would suggest it. I am 3 yrs + and can tell you MC was really slow. Especially in the beginning. Cause the WS does not want to talk about it. They want us to "get over it" and "move on". That way they do not have to fully feel anything..guilt, sadness, or inadequacy. They do not have to do any hard work.... and yes, it is hard. It is hard to process (most BS want to make it a logical thing, and it just is illogical....) it is hard to watch, it is hard to know when to talk about it, when to listen, and when to ask the hard questions. It takes a long time. I was really stuck for a few months too... I took every month separately.. I did not make any decision to stay or leave, just took each day on its own. The best advice I received was that I did not have to make a decision to stay or go.... I would "know" when the time was right. Therapy can take a while as the person is working through issues of why he or she choose the behavior..... past issues can play a large role in learned responses and coping skills or lack of coping skills.... it is all slowly uncovered. Get a few books -- one poster mentioned a few good ones and read, educate yourself.
Start putting yourself first, take care of you. Pamper yourself cause you have just been traumatized.... FEEL your emotions as they come to you....
good luck in this crazy mess ---
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2010
Wed, 04-28-2010 - 11:14am

I am about 6 weeks since DDay and our MC has wanted to see us every week.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Wed, 04-28-2010 - 3:29pm

its good that your going through MC. Im glad that its helping out.

You might want to try a journal. It might help you more.

I would also suggest writing down a list of things that you want out of your marriage. and things you wont budge on. That might help as well.

Hang in there. Welcome to the board.