Soon to Be Ex's Continued Seeing of Mistress?

Avatar for sweettartnacho
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Soon to Be Ex's Continued Seeing of Mistress?
6
Sat, 07-28-2012 - 3:15pm

HOW do you deal with it? ---- WHEN you are divorcing, yet cat's outta the bag & spouse continues obviously to spend time with her, even nites w/her,  HOW do you deal with the "in your face" hurt?     

I still am in shock abt this whole thing --- so it still FEELS inappropriate that he would be intimate w/her, talking birth control, talking sex drive.   Im still his wife, so it feels like those things should still be off limits w/another.

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

Doesn't it hurt you more to know what he's doing? 

Avatar for sweettartnacho
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Id say more b/c I don't want the kids to be around her --- but even moreso b/c he's then be out on his butt --- all alone!!!!

NO I wouldn't want him back. Just don't want him to have who he thinks is the love of his life. Like to see HIM in some pain!

You're totally right in all of this.

In fact I was just talking to my counselor about this today. WHY do I need to keep checking on him?! I suggested reality check, "protection" in that I can sorta have an idea what he's doing......

I know it adds fuel to the fire. I know I should stop, but I haven't.....

TY for posting, however! :smileyvery-happy:
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2008

I'm curious, why do you want his affair to end?  Because you don't want the children around the OW?  Or do you still hold out hope for you two?

I only ask because I see you on several iVillage boards and can see the pain in your posts.  A lot of us have been where you are.  You cannot control what your STBX does and who he introduces your DD's to.  If he plans on marrying the OW, there's probably not much that will stop him.  And if they do break up, would you want him back?  After the things he has done to you, is that what you want for yourself?

These are all legitimate things to consider.  It seems to me that you are somewhat spiraling from the loss of control you have in this situation and I understand that feeling.  My XH moved in with the OW before our divorce was even filed and married her less than a month after it was final.  That was 7 years ago and they are still together.  At the time of our divorce, we had a 1 yr old and 4 yr old.  You have the benefit of having older children that can form their own opinions about their father.  Don't do it for them.  Allow them to continue to love their father, despite the horrible things he has done to you.  It will be the hardest thing you can do, to not talk bad about him in their presence.  Listen to your girls when they want to talk with you about their dad or the OW, when they meet her.  You need to be their rock.  You need to take care of you so that you can be there for your children.  Forget what your STBX is doing because it doesn't matter.  He has made his choice, now let him have it.  If he decides down the road that the OW isn't as great as he initially thought - that's his path.  Let him make it.  You need to make your own.  This is your chance to put your life in the direction that you want it.

I only responded because you seem so concerned about what he's doing and what he's doing with the OW.  This kind of obsessive thoughts won't help you begin to heal.  You need to start focusing on you.  Take some of the advice of the folks on all the boards that tell you to find yourself deep into hobbies.  Try something new for a change.  Ask a friend you haven't seen in years out for coffee.  Whatever it is, keep your mind busy on things that benefit you.

Good luck, sweettartnacho.  We're all here rooting for you!

aprilmagic~




iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008

The 180 is bumped up in the rebuilding section on this board:smileyhappy:  When you first sign in to BSS scroll down to the lower postings.

Avatar for sweettartnacho
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
TY --- 180 below? what are you talking about.

I PRAY you all are right. I just want his affair to END....
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008

Sweet, your stbxh is acting like a jerk!  A's are selfish choices made solely by the affair partners in them.  They don't care about anyone else or the feelings of anyone else.  They don't care about the affect on their children or parents or any family or friends especially the spouse who they promised to cherish and be faithful to.    When a relationship is started out this way how could anything possibly healthy come out of it?  IMHO it can't and if your stbx and this OW claim to be some sort of "soul mates" or on some 'spiritual quest' thing together I say BULL!  Spiritual people do not treat others with such disregard!!

I hope after your attorney appointment on Monday that you can get him out of your house!  That is what you need to heal--space.  Check out the 180 below.

We are all pulling for you!!!

Ollie