Soon to be husband inappropriately texts women

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2008
Soon to be husband inappropriately texts women
14
Fri, 11-09-2012 - 6:53am

Hi, writing this out makes me feel foolish.

My soon to be husband has been secretly messaging other women inappropriately in the last year and maybe longer.
I found out last night from my best friend that he was sending her messages about her ass and having a threesome with her involved, she told him numerous times that he was crossing the line and to stop, apparently this happened sometime in the last year.

When I told him his reply was "this sounds selfish but I am relived that you now know and I will do anything to not lose you"..

Throughout our relationship he's always been paranoid that I've been doing things behind his back when this entire time I find out he just has a guilt consious.

I gave him ONE LAST CHANCE and a time frame of two weeks to talk to someone about his issues. And if anything else comes up I am gone.
I feel embarrassed and betrayed but I do love him and want to work on things.. and just so you all know we got engaged last January.

I'm writing to ask advice if I am doing the right thing here by giving him a chance or am I being ridiculous?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Fri, 11-09-2012 - 12:51pm

Well it's a good thing your friend told you about this before you married him. Maybe you need to ak him what assurance you have that this behavior won't continue from this point on (with any women) Hard to believe he'd be so stupid and send texts to your BEST FRIEND knowing this could easily get back to you. He needs to give you full access to his phone from this point on. If he doesn't I'd probably walk, cause that means he's probably hiding more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2000
Fri, 11-09-2012 - 12:53pm
Don't ignore this. I would definitely make him get counseling and possibly go to couples counseling before i married him. These are all bad signs. Trust me! I ignored all the signs with my husband. The first signs were finding where he had looked at dating profiles while we were living together but before we were married. Then there was a profile on adult friend finder. Said he was just looking at pictures. I told him I didn't like it and I had better not find anything else. Then we were married. Had kids. Over the years, I have found where he chatted with a girl he went to school with about her tata's and said something about coming by to see them. She was taking it like a joke, I don't think he was joking although when confronted he said he was just kidding around. I told him it was innappropriate. The list goes on. I never had proof that he actually cheated so I stayed with him. Then August of 2011, my world fell apart. i found out he had actually cheated, only with my best friend!!! My best friend was not like yours and didn't tell me he was hitting on her. She had a year long affair with him. Talk about a slap in the face. Crazy me is still trying to work it out with my husband. No longer friends with her. But had it not been for my kids, I probably wouldn't still be with him. I love him, but wouldn't put myself in the position to be hurt again if it was only for me. I want the best for my kids and a broken home is not what is best for them. I hope and pray he won't do it again. I actually tell myself maybe he just needed to get it out of his system. Crazy huh! But if it happens again I will be done. He will not get another chance. Anyway, don't be like me and ignore the signs. You were lucky your best friend told you what he was doing. Mine didn't and I lost her because of all this. Obviously she wasn't that great of a friend to have done that. But she was in a bad place in life and let herself be led down a dark path. If you give him another chance, make sure he knows that that is not acceptable and make sure he shows true remorse for what he was doing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2000
Fri, 11-09-2012 - 12:54pm

Don't ignore this.  I would definitely make him get counseling and  possibly go to couples counseling before i married him. These are all bad signs.  Trust me! I ignored all the signs with my husband. The first signs were finding where he had looked at dating profiles while we were living together but before we were married. Then there was a profile on adult friend finder. Said  he was just looking at pictures.  I told him I didn't like it and I had better not find anything else. Then we were married. Had kids. Over the years, I have found where he chatted with a girl he went to school with about her tata's and said something about coming by to see them. She was taking it like a joke, I don't think he was joking although when confronted he said he was just kidding around. I told him it was innappropriate.  The list goes on. I never had proof that he actually cheated so I stayed with him.  Then August of 2011, my world fell apart. i found out he had actually cheated, only with my best friend!!! My best friend was not like yours and didn't tell me he was hitting on her. She had a year long affair with him.  Talk about a slap in the face. Crazy me is still trying to work it out with my husband. No longer friends with her.  But had it not been for my kids, I probably wouldn't still be with him.  I love him, but wouldn't put myself in the position to be hurt again if it was only for me.  I want the best for my kids and a broken home is not what is best for them.  I hope and pray he won't do it again.  I actually tell myself maybe he just needed to get it out of his system. Crazy huh!  But if it happens again I will be done. He will not get another chance. Anyway,  don't be like me and ignore the signs. You were lucky your best friend told  you what he was doing. Mine didn't and I lost her because of all this. Obviously she wasn't that great of a friend to have done that. But she was in a bad place in life and let herself be led down a dark path.  If you give him another chance, make sure he knows that that is not acceptable and make sure he shows true remorse for what he was doing. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2000
Fri, 11-09-2012 - 12:54pm

Don't ignore this.  I would definitely make him get counseling and  possibly go to couples counseling before i married him. These are all bad signs.  Trust me! I ignored all the signs with my husband. The first signs were finding where he had looked at dating profiles while we were living together but before we were married. Then there was a profile on adult friend finder. Said  he was just looking at pictures.  I told him I didn't like it and I had better not find anything else. Then we were married. Had kids. Over the years, I have found where he chatted with a girl he went to school with about her tata's and said something about coming by to see them. She was taking it like a joke, I don't think he was joking although when confronted he said he was just kidding around. I told him it was innappropriate.  The list goes on. I never had proof that he actually cheated so I stayed with him.  Then August of 2011, my world fell apart. i found out he had actually cheated, only with my best friend!!! My best friend was not like yours and didn't tell me he was hitting on her. She had a year long affair with him.  Talk about a slap in the face. Crazy me is still trying to work it out with my husband. No longer friends with her.  But had it not been for my kids, I probably wouldn't still be with him.  I love him, but wouldn't put myself in the position to be hurt again if it was only for me.  I want the best for my kids and a broken home is not what is best for them.  I hope and pray he won't do it again.  I actually tell myself maybe he just needed to get it out of his system. Crazy huh!  But if it happens again I will be done. He will not get another chance. Anyway,  don't be like me and ignore the signs. You were lucky your best friend told  you what he was doing. Mine didn't and I lost her because of all this. Obviously she wasn't that great of a friend to have done that. But she was in a bad place in life and let herself be led down a dark path.  If you give him another chance, make sure he knows that that is not acceptable and make sure he shows true remorse for what he was doing. 

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Fri, 11-09-2012 - 3:31pm

bbguns,

I want you to think 20 years out. My spouse didn't cheat on me until after our 18th wedding annaversary. We were the cutest couple, sweethearts, five kids, a great story. You are starting out with a bad story. I'm not hopeful for your life going well with this person. I wouldn't give him a chance, I would run. There are three billion other men out there. I'll bet there is a good one out there for you that won't start their relationship with you by cheating.

Tom

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Fri, 11-09-2012 - 5:37pm

Cry See that emoticon?  I put it there because I predict that'll be you down the road.  You are not even married and already he's doing things a committed guy should have stopped doing.  So many of us have been on this board for a long time and have heard about every scenario possible by now.  When there are problems in place prior to getting married, it's such a huge red flag that it means you should take a GIANT step backwards and just ask yourself if you can live with the guy continuing to do this stuff.  Lots of us didn't SEE the big red flags prior to tying the knot, and then were stunned when everything did a 180 after marriage.  You're already seeing some of what many of us wish we'd seen ahead of time.  I only rarely say something like this, but don't do it.  It's so easy to come here and since most of the messages are from women agonizing over the men in their lives, so it's easy to become cynical about men.  But I agree with Thomas, there are so many nice guys out there who want a solid, honest relationship.  Go find one of those.

 

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Fri, 11-09-2012 - 9:35pm

  I disagree.  I would not consider this friend a friend.  I think she has other plans and it just more cunning.  Frenemy I think is the term.  I am male.  I have mostly women friends.  I would never allow anyone access to my computer or phone nor would I ever access theirs.  Some weak people do this.  In my mind the only person you will ever have is yourself.  The only security come from within yourself.  Never another beast nor person.  Yes we have a culture of emotionally fragile beings.  We allow a culture to tell us what our reality should be.  This is not acceptable to those who have been through the fires.  It is perhaps a good time for thought on both planes;intellect and emotion.  One is advised to look deep within ones self to your core and work outward.  Yes, there is pain involved, growth is pain.  One important item: none of us is you.  We can tell you of our feelings we had or think we will have.  We cannot be you. 

   In reality, there are many types of relationships that work for the participants.  Only those participants know for sure. 

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sun, 11-11-2012 - 2:14am

"I think she has other plans"  Are you suggesting that her friend is making all this up to get the OP to break up with her bf so the friend can then move in on him herself?

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sun, 11-11-2012 - 3:20am

  Hi Peacey

     Yes, I am suspicious.  Even if it is not all made up.  Something about that makes me wonder.  I myself would take a hard look at motivation.  Everyone has an angle.  In my experience people attempt to influence other's feeling for various reasons.  Since those people are not me.  I would be very wary of them trying to push my decisions to meet with their agenda. 

It reminds me of phrases:

  " Never start a land war in Asia"  ( Don't tell that to Genghis Khan)

    " all you have to do is"               (take this red pill or was that green)

     " I have a bridge for you to buy"   (in Brooklyn)

   Yep mightily suspicious. 

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sun, 11-11-2012 - 7:24pm

I cannot judge her best friend because I don't know her or know IF she has an agenda. If my best friend has been trustworthy all along then I probably would trust her in this matter, especially IF I've known the best friend much longer than the bf. IMHO we don't know all the facts here enough to know who's trustworthy and who isn't. I personally am very confident that my best female friends who I've known for years would not make up stories about my H texting/ coming on to them if isn't was't true.

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