Soon to be husband inappropriately texts women

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2008
Soon to be husband inappropriately texts women
14
Fri, 11-09-2012 - 6:53am

Hi, writing this out makes me feel foolish.

My soon to be husband has been secretly messaging other women inappropriately in the last year and maybe longer.
I found out last night from my best friend that he was sending her messages about her ass and having a threesome with her involved, she told him numerous times that he was crossing the line and to stop, apparently this happened sometime in the last year.

When I told him his reply was "this sounds selfish but I am relived that you now know and I will do anything to not lose you"..

Throughout our relationship he's always been paranoid that I've been doing things behind his back when this entire time I find out he just has a guilt consious.

I gave him ONE LAST CHANCE and a time frame of two weeks to talk to someone about his issues. And if anything else comes up I am gone.
I feel embarrassed and betrayed but I do love him and want to work on things.. and just so you all know we got engaged last January.

I'm writing to ask advice if I am doing the right thing here by giving him a chance or am I being ridiculous?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2000
Fri, 11-09-2012 - 12:54pm

Don't ignore this.  I would definitely make him get counseling and  possibly go to couples counseling before i married him. These are all bad signs.  Trust me! I ignored all the signs with my husband. The first signs were finding where he had looked at dating profiles while we were living together but before we were married. Then there was a profile on adult friend finder. Said  he was just looking at pictures.  I told him I didn't like it and I had better not find anything else. Then we were married. Had kids. Over the years, I have found where he chatted with a girl he went to school with about her tata's and said something about coming by to see them. She was taking it like a joke, I don't think he was joking although when confronted he said he was just kidding around. I told him it was innappropriate.  The list goes on. I never had proof that he actually cheated so I stayed with him.  Then August of 2011, my world fell apart. i found out he had actually cheated, only with my best friend!!! My best friend was not like yours and didn't tell me he was hitting on her. She had a year long affair with him.  Talk about a slap in the face. Crazy me is still trying to work it out with my husband. No longer friends with her.  But had it not been for my kids, I probably wouldn't still be with him.  I love him, but wouldn't put myself in the position to be hurt again if it was only for me.  I want the best for my kids and a broken home is not what is best for them.  I hope and pray he won't do it again.  I actually tell myself maybe he just needed to get it out of his system. Crazy huh!  But if it happens again I will be done. He will not get another chance. Anyway,  don't be like me and ignore the signs. You were lucky your best friend told  you what he was doing. Mine didn't and I lost her because of all this. Obviously she wasn't that great of a friend to have done that. But she was in a bad place in life and let herself be led down a dark path.  If you give him another chance, make sure he knows that that is not acceptable and make sure he shows true remorse for what he was doing. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2000
Fri, 11-09-2012 - 12:54pm

Don't ignore this.  I would definitely make him get counseling and  possibly go to couples counseling before i married him. These are all bad signs.  Trust me! I ignored all the signs with my husband. The first signs were finding where he had looked at dating profiles while we were living together but before we were married. Then there was a profile on adult friend finder. Said  he was just looking at pictures.  I told him I didn't like it and I had better not find anything else. Then we were married. Had kids. Over the years, I have found where he chatted with a girl he went to school with about her tata's and said something about coming by to see them. She was taking it like a joke, I don't think he was joking although when confronted he said he was just kidding around. I told him it was innappropriate.  The list goes on. I never had proof that he actually cheated so I stayed with him.  Then August of 2011, my world fell apart. i found out he had actually cheated, only with my best friend!!! My best friend was not like yours and didn't tell me he was hitting on her. She had a year long affair with him.  Talk about a slap in the face. Crazy me is still trying to work it out with my husband. No longer friends with her.  But had it not been for my kids, I probably wouldn't still be with him.  I love him, but wouldn't put myself in the position to be hurt again if it was only for me.  I want the best for my kids and a broken home is not what is best for them.  I hope and pray he won't do it again.  I actually tell myself maybe he just needed to get it out of his system. Crazy huh!  But if it happens again I will be done. He will not get another chance. Anyway,  don't be like me and ignore the signs. You were lucky your best friend told  you what he was doing. Mine didn't and I lost her because of all this. Obviously she wasn't that great of a friend to have done that. But she was in a bad place in life and let herself be led down a dark path.  If you give him another chance, make sure he knows that that is not acceptable and make sure he shows true remorse for what he was doing. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2000
Fri, 11-09-2012 - 12:53pm
Don't ignore this. I would definitely make him get counseling and possibly go to couples counseling before i married him. These are all bad signs. Trust me! I ignored all the signs with my husband. The first signs were finding where he had looked at dating profiles while we were living together but before we were married. Then there was a profile on adult friend finder. Said he was just looking at pictures. I told him I didn't like it and I had better not find anything else. Then we were married. Had kids. Over the years, I have found where he chatted with a girl he went to school with about her tata's and said something about coming by to see them. She was taking it like a joke, I don't think he was joking although when confronted he said he was just kidding around. I told him it was innappropriate. The list goes on. I never had proof that he actually cheated so I stayed with him. Then August of 2011, my world fell apart. i found out he had actually cheated, only with my best friend!!! My best friend was not like yours and didn't tell me he was hitting on her. She had a year long affair with him. Talk about a slap in the face. Crazy me is still trying to work it out with my husband. No longer friends with her. But had it not been for my kids, I probably wouldn't still be with him. I love him, but wouldn't put myself in the position to be hurt again if it was only for me. I want the best for my kids and a broken home is not what is best for them. I hope and pray he won't do it again. I actually tell myself maybe he just needed to get it out of his system. Crazy huh! But if it happens again I will be done. He will not get another chance. Anyway, don't be like me and ignore the signs. You were lucky your best friend told you what he was doing. Mine didn't and I lost her because of all this. Obviously she wasn't that great of a friend to have done that. But she was in a bad place in life and let herself be led down a dark path. If you give him another chance, make sure he knows that that is not acceptable and make sure he shows true remorse for what he was doing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Fri, 11-09-2012 - 12:51pm

Well it's a good thing your friend told you about this before you married him. Maybe you need to ak him what assurance you have that this behavior won't continue from this point on (with any women) Hard to believe he'd be so stupid and send texts to your BEST FRIEND knowing this could easily get back to you. He needs to give you full access to his phone from this point on. If he doesn't I'd probably walk, cause that means he's probably hiding more.

Pages