Soon to be husband inappropriately texts women

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2008
Soon to be husband inappropriately texts women
14
Fri, 11-09-2012 - 6:53am

Hi, writing this out makes me feel foolish.

My soon to be husband has been secretly messaging other women inappropriately in the last year and maybe longer.
I found out last night from my best friend that he was sending her messages about her ass and having a threesome with her involved, she told him numerous times that he was crossing the line and to stop, apparently this happened sometime in the last year.

When I told him his reply was "this sounds selfish but I am relived that you now know and I will do anything to not lose you"..

Throughout our relationship he's always been paranoid that I've been doing things behind his back when this entire time I find out he just has a guilt consious.

I gave him ONE LAST CHANCE and a time frame of two weeks to talk to someone about his issues. And if anything else comes up I am gone.
I feel embarrassed and betrayed but I do love him and want to work on things.. and just so you all know we got engaged last January.

I'm writing to ask advice if I am doing the right thing here by giving him a chance or am I being ridiculous?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2012
Sat, 11-24-2012 - 7:37pm
Problem here: If he gets bored he'll do it again. Think about that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Tue, 11-13-2012 - 3:08am
Your very smart insisting on counseling and not marrying him unless you FULLY trust him again. You need to trust him 100% before you marry him, and especially before you have kids with him.
Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008

bbguns,

It sounds like you are taking some really mature steps here. I hope things work out for you whatever your choices are. Let us hope that this is a big wakeup call for him.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2008
Mon, 11-12-2012 - 2:26pm

Thank you all for your messages.

My friend is not lying, and he fully admitted everything. We had a weekend full of disscussion and he gave me access to everything and agreed to seek help. This will start in the next two weeks.

I agree that I should run, but I do love him and will give him this one last chance. We will be doing councelling seperatly and together. If anything else comes up I expressed I would be gone.

I also agree with everyone that I should not marry him, and I won't unless I FULLY trust him.

Thank you all again

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sun, 11-11-2012 - 7:24pm

I cannot judge her best friend because I don't know her or know IF she has an agenda. If my best friend has been trustworthy all along then I probably would trust her in this matter, especially IF I've known the best friend much longer than the bf. IMHO we don't know all the facts here enough to know who's trustworthy and who isn't. I personally am very confident that my best female friends who I've known for years would not make up stories about my H texting/ coming on to them if isn't was't true.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sun, 11-11-2012 - 3:20am

  Hi Peacey

     Yes, I am suspicious.  Even if it is not all made up.  Something about that makes me wonder.  I myself would take a hard look at motivation.  Everyone has an angle.  In my experience people attempt to influence other's feeling for various reasons.  Since those people are not me.  I would be very wary of them trying to push my decisions to meet with their agenda. 

It reminds me of phrases:

  " Never start a land war in Asia"  ( Don't tell that to Genghis Khan)

    " all you have to do is"               (take this red pill or was that green)

     " I have a bridge for you to buy"   (in Brooklyn)

   Yep mightily suspicious. 

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sun, 11-11-2012 - 2:14am

"I think she has other plans"  Are you suggesting that her friend is making all this up to get the OP to break up with her bf so the friend can then move in on him herself?

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Fri, 11-09-2012 - 9:35pm

  I disagree.  I would not consider this friend a friend.  I think she has other plans and it just more cunning.  Frenemy I think is the term.  I am male.  I have mostly women friends.  I would never allow anyone access to my computer or phone nor would I ever access theirs.  Some weak people do this.  In my mind the only person you will ever have is yourself.  The only security come from within yourself.  Never another beast nor person.  Yes we have a culture of emotionally fragile beings.  We allow a culture to tell us what our reality should be.  This is not acceptable to those who have been through the fires.  It is perhaps a good time for thought on both planes;intellect and emotion.  One is advised to look deep within ones self to your core and work outward.  Yes, there is pain involved, growth is pain.  One important item: none of us is you.  We can tell you of our feelings we had or think we will have.  We cannot be you. 

   In reality, there are many types of relationships that work for the participants.  Only those participants know for sure. 

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Fri, 11-09-2012 - 5:37pm

Cry See that emoticon?  I put it there because I predict that'll be you down the road.  You are not even married and already he's doing things a committed guy should have stopped doing.  So many of us have been on this board for a long time and have heard about every scenario possible by now.  When there are problems in place prior to getting married, it's such a huge red flag that it means you should take a GIANT step backwards and just ask yourself if you can live with the guy continuing to do this stuff.  Lots of us didn't SEE the big red flags prior to tying the knot, and then were stunned when everything did a 180 after marriage.  You're already seeing some of what many of us wish we'd seen ahead of time.  I only rarely say something like this, but don't do it.  It's so easy to come here and since most of the messages are from women agonizing over the men in their lives, so it's easy to become cynical about men.  But I agree with Thomas, there are so many nice guys out there who want a solid, honest relationship.  Go find one of those.

 

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Fri, 11-09-2012 - 3:31pm

bbguns,

I want you to think 20 years out. My spouse didn't cheat on me until after our 18th wedding annaversary. We were the cutest couple, sweethearts, five kids, a great story. You are starting out with a bad story. I'm not hopeful for your life going well with this person. I wouldn't give him a chance, I would run. There are three billion other men out there. I'll bet there is a good one out there for you that won't start their relationship with you by cheating.

Tom

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

Pages