Spouse cheated 2x and left me for OW. Now what?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2014
Spouse cheated 2x and left me for OW. Now what?
13
Wed, 07-16-2014 - 10:37pm

Hi. I'm new to the board and found it by accident, but have been reading and finding great topics and advice for spouses that have been cheated on. 

Five days ago, my H confessed that he had been keeping me on a string and had been dating another woman in another state for 2 months.  He worked up in the oil fields of North Dakota, then bought a bar with another person, (female biz partner).  We had a construction company and we were planning to purchase another.  The first week of April, my daughter and I went to visit for a week.  He seemed glad to see us, took us sight seeing, took us to a construction site, etc.  During this week, I met his biz partner, who was actually a very nice person.  She had a best friend that she was bringing in to help with the bar.  I met the best friend the last day my daughter and I were there.  She seemed very nice also.  When my daughter and I came home, I had suspicions that something wasn't right.  Within 3 weeks, my H lost all three businesses.  He was devistated and took a vacation to the best friends house in Minnesota with our two sons.  He was there from May 1 until the end of June. 

During his time in ND, he would call me 2-3 times a day, at certain times and we would chat about what was happening, how things were going and what we planned to do.  When he went to MN, nothing.  No phone calls, no nothing.  He said he had gone into a depression. 

Fast forward to 3 weeks ago.  He called and said he was coming home, he wanted to talk to me.  He said that we had been having trouble for 2 years and it had been bad the past six months.  I had absolutely no clue he felt unhappy, unsatisfied and was falling out of love.  He said he "pretended" to be happy until he figured out to either work on us or not.  He said he had feelings for the best friend, but not to worry.  He would "try and figure things out" and let me know.  We were intimate the two nights he was home, but he said he shouldn't have done it. As of 4 days ago, he finally said no lies.  He had been seeing the BF since May and was in love with her.  He was leaving me and wasn't in love with me anymore.  I asked him to please work on our marriage, it was important to the kids and ourselves. He said he had no desire to work on our marriage.  We had been having problems for a long time. But, he kept sending me text messages about how he loved me, called me baby, would tell me he was getting a job in MN and would send me copies of the contracts to look over, he would move us up there to be with him. He made me feel like he was going to try, even though he refused counseling.  And always with begging for money.  He gave me song and dances about if I wanted him home, to send him more money.  I had sent him over $3500 during the time he was in MN.  So, I sent him money to come home thinking I would do anything to save our marriage.  This was last Monday.  As of today, July 16, he has no remorse about what he did, he has never told me what evil things I did to make him fall out of love with me and cheat on me.  He kept telling me everything was ok and not to worry.  He was going to come home and be here on the weekends to not feel pressured. 

Over the past year, we went on vacation, he bought me furniture, a new phone, remodeled our bathroom and bedroom.  He gave me false hope until the last couple of days.  I even talked to the OW and she had kicked him out because he lied to her about us being separated for two years.  But, he called her all week and worked things out.  She is already here in IN and he is looking for a place. 

There is so much more to this story, but how can someone, who promised to love and cherish me with wedding vows, not even tell me he was unhappy and just look for something with someone else?  Is he just lazy, manipulative, or what?  WTF? 

How do I proceed from here.  Now that he's confessed, he's so nicey nicey and wants to be friends.  Many people say that if he finds out I get my inheiritence, he will come back.  What do I do?  I was completely devistated and heartbroken.  I loved him unconditionally, through all our faults.  We went to counseling 3 years ago when he cheated the first time, and I thought we were doing fine.  Ugh.  Suggestions?  Why am I more sad, depressed and hopeful he'll come back someday than pissed off he lied, manipulated and cheated? 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

The real question is why would you WANT him back?  He's an habitual liar.  He's cheated on you not once, but twiice (that you know of). Cheaters are cheaters, if they do it once, in 99% of cases they'll do it again.  He has mooched money from you, he's constantly lied to you. How do you lose three businesses in 3 weeks?  There were probably never any businesses to lose.  And how could he afford a two month vacation?  How old are your boys that he had with him?  The girlfriend threw him out, but she's in Indiana and they're looking for a place?  She sounds as nuts as he is.l  He never told you what "evil" things you did to make him fall out of love with you and cheat on you?  That's because you never DID anything except be too trusting.  Men don't cheat because their wives do evil things......they cheat because they want to, and think they can get away with it.  And the woman  that cheated with him, has no idea what she's getting into.  My ex did exactly the same thing.....worked out of town, and had an affair for more than a year.  She thought he was a sweetheart, I'm sure.  She didn't have to hear him moaning because I asked him to fix something in the house that was broken. She didn't have to live with stupid jealousy.....If I LOOKED at a man I was accused of "wanting" him!   She didn't have to wonder which bar he was in, and if he'd get a DUI on the way home, or kill some innocent person.  He was in HER bar (the barmaid) and it was attached to the motel he stayed at.  Like you, I put up with it for a while.....and it was the second "romance" he'd had, too.  I finally had enough and I filed for divorce.  Then he cried and begged, no, no, no.......please don't divorce me.  I did, and within a month, even though our divorce wasn't final, he married the barmaid.  And she divorced him a few years later!  You want to work on this mess?  You think it's important for your kids?  NO WAY.  They are better off with a mother that's happy and content than with two miserable parents that are NOT happy.  If you have money to send him even though businesses have failed, if you are expecting an inheritance......then you need a lawyer IMMEDIATELY to protect yourself and your children financially.  Get your head out of the clouds and face the facts.......your husband is a liar, a cheater, and who knows whatelse.  Get a lawyer and get a divorce.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013

The brain and the heart are two different entities. You feel what you feel, even if it doesn't make sense. Go ahead and feel whatever it is to help you mourn this dying relationship, so that one day you can move on. Right now, you have to let your brain make all the decisions. Taking your sons to temporarily live with him and his mistress for several months is child abuse. Children are not oblivious to their environment. He exposed them to a situation which I'm sure was very confusing to them. He is a narcissist. He only cares about what he will get out of the situation, and obviously doesn't care how it will effect his children or you. He has used you for money and cheated on you repeatedly. Do you think a man who loves you would treat you like this? If that's all you think you deserve in life, you need some work on your self-esteem.

You can't change a person's ethics. You gave him one chance the first time he cheated. People who are given that chance and want the relationship to work will fight tooth and nail to prove that they are a changed person and they will never make that mistake again. He's not one of those decent, mature men who has changed for the better. File for divorce. Yes, you'll be in pain for quite some time, but eventually you'll build a better life for yourself and your children, and thank yourself for being so smart and strong when you needed to be. Read some books on self empowerment so you can rebuff his attempts at manipulation during and after the divorce. I'm sorry this has happened to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

Would you want someone who would come back because you got an inheritance?  I agree with the other two--of course it is devastating and shocking to you to go through this and your DH sounds very confused (at best) and manipulative (at worst).  He seems to want to keep you on a string so you will have false hope that he'll come back--oh and meanwhile you keep sending him money so you are basically supporting him & his new GF--cut that out right now.  HE should be sending YOU money to support his children!  It sounds extremely unlikely that he could have all these businesses fail all at once, but when there are children involved he needs to go out and look for a job--the courts will not allow him to sit around and do nothing, and you defintely need a lawyer to inform you of what your rights are and to protect that inheritance!  If you do get that money before the divorce is final, make sure you keep it in a separate bank account where he can't touch it.

How can all this happen?  Well I got divorced after 13 yrs of marriage and 2 kids.  When the oldest one was 2, my DH confessed that he was depressed and didn't think he wanted to be married any more.  I also found out he had cheated but I do believe him that he felt so guilty about it that he broke it off quickly and never did it again.  But since we were also having money problems at that time, we basically lived in the house but led separate lives and hardly spoke to each other for about a year--it was kind of easy to do since he worked nights and I worked days, but I was unhappy.  so then he decided that he wanted to stay married and things were going ok and we eventually had the 2nd child a few years later, but then when that child was only 1 yr old, my DH decided that no, that didn't do it and he still wanted a divorce--and there was no other woman.  I remember my aunt saying to me (after DH moved out), "well, if he wants to come back, tell him this is his last chance."  I said "forget it--he already got his last chance--once he's out, he's not coming back."  I just could not go through that roller coaster again.  I had to make up my mind that even though I never wanted to get divorced, I just had to cope with the situation.  I do have to say that he has been a good father and always paid his child support and saw the kids a lot.  I was really mad at him for a while and it was awkward when he met someone else and they got married but it has been a long time now so we all get along--we just had the high school grad party for our son at his house and my relatives even went and as I was hugging his wife on the way out, I was thinking to myself "well this is odd" but it's good for our kids that we all get along.  I know it takes a long time until you can get to that point, so I think that your DH saying that you can be friends--well he's kind of delusional if he thinks that you won't be mad at him for being a cheater and upsetting everyone's lives.  Maybe eventually that will happen but right now he has to pay.  lol  

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

I'm confused about the kids.  You say "my" daughter, and "our" sons.  Why would he have the sons with him when he's out of town, and playing around with a woman that's not his wife?  There is so much wrong with this whole picture.  You seem to think thta the sun rises and sets on HIM........and you have no regard for your own situation.  You want to know "now what?"  As Safire said, the first thing you need to do is work on your own self-esteem!  You want to know what evil you've done to him?  You've done it to yourself, not him.  You've believed everything he's told you.  I think the whole "business" thing was a bold faced lie.  It was just to get you to send money.  He remodeled your bathroom and bought you furniture?  And that made you think he was a good and loving husband?  That was probably just to get you off his back and leave him alone.  This man has been lying to you, manipulating you......and you've been buying it hook, line and sinker.  That's because you're so desperate to hold on to him.....when in reality you should have kicked him to the curb a long time ago.  Trying to hold this mess together because "it would be better for the children" is a joke.  Kids do NOT need to live in a home with a Mother who is desperate to keep a man that's not worth keeping, and a man who's out messing around with other women.  They need to grow up in a happy decent environment, and it sure isn't that now.  Children are better off being FROM a broken home than living IN a broken home, and your home has been broken for a long time.  As I told you, I lived a very similar situation......a long term affair, and then out of town and another affair.  The difference between you and I is that I KNEW what he was doing, and I didn't blame myself for his failings.  I really took too long to divorce him, but I waited until I was ready mentally and felt I could support my sons on my own....and then I did it.  And I never looked back!  Guess what, when his second wife divorced him........who do you think he came crying to?  And guess what, I told him to take a hike and do something to himself that's physically impossible!  (actually more graphic than that, but they won't let me use those words here!)  Learn to love yourself, you cannot depend on him or anyone else to make you think you're worthy and loveable.  Do you want your daughter to grow up watching this mess, and think that it's "normal"......then she'll meet a loser and think he's the one for her?  Children model themselves after their same sex parent.  Mom is a doormat, she'll be a doormat too.  Show her that you're not going to take it anymore.

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004

1)Gather up all your financial papers immediately: every loan, credit card, utility bill, insurance policy, tax return, bank statement, mortgage statement, car note, etc.

2)Separate your bank account immediately. Open a separate checking account in your name only. If you get direct deposit for a paycheck, IMMEDIATELY switch it to the new sole-owned account.

3)See an experienced divorce attorney ASAP. You want someone whose done a lot of divorces. Write down your legal questions and ask them, i.e. child support, joint debt,etc. Save your tears for a therapist.

4)See a counselor for yourself ASAP. You need help sorting out your feelings and knowing how to take care of yourself and your child.

DO NOT under any circumstances deposit any money into a joint bank account. If you're getting an inheritance DO NOT co-mingle those funds with his name - he'll be entitled to half of them!

Get going and don't wait. He may have all ready dragged your credit through the mud with his bad business decisions. You need guidance and you need it right now.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006

Sorry to hear you are going through all this.  I am not big on encouraging someone to file for D, but I do think that at a minimum, you need to talk to a divorce attorney.  It sounds like he will be moving in with the OW, so like the last poster said, get all your ducks in a row immediately, regardless of your desire to stay married.  

It will be important that you find some clarity.  If you don't, you two will continue to go back and forth and drag things out.  Even if your clarity is knowing that you don't have any.  Then at least you can take care of some things from a logical standpoint knowing that emotions are up and down.  

This may sound funny, but it may be to your benefit to stay angry right now.  Your gut was right when you met those two ladies and what gets me is way he over compensated on your end.  I am far from being perfect and have made many mistakes in my life, so not here to judge.  BUT, so much of what you mentioned just sounds shady to me and as much as I hate to say it, I really think you should seriously look at divorcing this guy as a blessing.  

I am not going to bash him, as I bet he is still a good dad, etc.  Just not a good husband.

Good luck and hang in there.  (((((hugs)))))

Serenity CL making a marriage work

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2010
I am so sorry this is happening to you. You MUST get your house in order and allow your cheating non-repenting H to do whatever he needs to do and not make it impact how you feel about yourself. What he is doing, and why he is acting this way should be of little concern to you because you can't control anyone else other than yourself. You are not responsible for his decisions. Even if the M was bad and he wasn't happy, that is no excuse for him to cheat. Some cheaters like to blame their spouse and that is so unfair. If they are that unhappy they should leave BEFORE they put you in an open M. Please stop giving him money? Even if you are a multi-millionare, the money that you are giving him can be used on you and your children. And please don't tell him about your inheritance. You cannot buy love. If you continue to allow him to use you for money he will continue to do so. He really is not a nice, decent, honorable person and he doesn't deserve a decent woman. This man is a user and a manipulator. And for goodness sake, for him to take your children to the OW's house ~ that is just cruel. If you have $3500.00 to throw at this jerk of an H, use another $3500.00 to retain an attorney and get this loser out of your life for good. Why would you want a man who can treat you so badly. Find a way to care more about yourself and throw this loser/user out of your life as fast as you can.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2011

I'm so sorry your going through all this. You've been given great advice already .. I just wanted to give you some hugs .

Malea

Looking to work from home ? Ask me how :

www.askmalea.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2002

Sweetie he is using you and abusing your kindness and loyalty.  He will continue to manipulate you in every possible way and you must be strong enough to ignore ALL of his interactions with you.  Stay strong for yourself and your kids.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008

Well, my personal theory is they do this crap simply because they WANT to.  Is it truly more complicated than that?  He's been lying to you for some time and cheating and it seems like he's still making the rules.  If you have an inheritance for him to GET, I'd make sure it's protected - lies beget more lies, so many of us here will tell you the same.  For him to say on one hand he's not in love with you anymore and STILL he's being as you say "nicey nicey" - watch out.  That does not go together, so do whatever has to get done to protect you - screw him at this point - see a lawyer right now and take care of yourself so you aren't sorry you didn't.  He's shown he cannot be trusted, past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior.  Why so many people take a commitment so lightly boggles my mind, also.  That they do means no commitment existed.  Just let the guy go off and do what he wants, sounds like he's already been doing just that for some time.  And whatever else you do, get yourself tested ASAP. 

 

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