Stay or go?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2009
Stay or go?
9
Thu, 07-16-2009 - 12:19pm

How do you determine ending or saving your marriage?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2006
In reply to: crawwilk1
Thu, 07-16-2009 - 1:01pm

I am so sorry that you have been put in this position.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
In reply to: crawwilk1
Thu, 07-16-2009 - 1:10pm

I'm very sorry you have this hurt in your life but am glad you've reached out for help.

"If something cannot go on forever, it will stop."  Herb Stein

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
In reply to: crawwilk1
Thu, 07-16-2009 - 2:18pm

staying vs. leaving - it is a personal choice. and not an easy one at that for most.

i so wish i was like some of the other women i have met on this board. women who lived up to their convictions about betrayal, but i am not. no i stayed a decision i am still struggling to change even today.

i am a 59 year old woman who is married to a 70 year old man. we have been married for going on 32 years now.

he has been a serial cheater throughout our entire marriage. but, it all blew up in 06 when i looked at his phone and saw a missed message. it was from a woman asking if she was going to see him that night. my world came to an ubrupt halt. nothing made sense to me any longer i was devastated. to make a long story short i broke into his computer and found, as the woman had claimed, that he was 'trolling' on the internet. claiming to be a widower.

now keep in mind 10 years earlier while opening up a letter from the da i was hit with the fact that he had fathered an illegitimate daughter 3 years into our marriage. they were looking for back child support. but i had forgiven him for that because it had happened so long ago. that was the wrong thing to do. why? because i sent the message that day that i would put up with it. i told him thru my actions that he was more important to me than i was.

my husband was a man who intentionally flirted with many many women. always looking to learn as much about them as he could so he could use the information to gain access to their hearts. he never intended to leave me or the family - no, instead he chose to disrespect and cheat on me. he chose to talk about me and play the poor me i am so mistreated act. we had great sex, yet he lied and told the other women we had none.

regarding your husband he is doing what you are allowing him to do. i do not mean to hurt your feelings but who better to tell you then someone who has walked in your shoes. your husband is a cad who thinks more of his dic* than he does of you and your children. he knows you just like my husband knew me. he swears up and down nothing is going on, but down deep you know. your gut is screaming at you isn't it? i know, i know. always trust your gut.

you see the problem is this - you have put all of your eggs into one basket, the basket of happily ever after. and while i still believe we can all find happiness i also believe that we must lay down the ground rules of what we will and will not accept. we must portray ourselves as someone equally as important as they are. that we are NOT going to be used as a doormat, or their lesser half. WE ARE NOT THEIR HALF WE ARE OUR WHOLE.

i think it is important to clearly state, that while i talk the talk i have not walked the walk. i post here to give women a glimpse into their future if they choose to stay with someone who is a louse. someone who number one concern is themselves.

my husband did not and still does not have empathy for what he did and the effect it had on me. no, instead he has believed since the day i confronted him that we needed to forget about it and move one. but that was a ploy, you see men like my husband and many others know how to play us. they betray us, we find out, they apologize, give it some time AND ARE BACK AT IT AGAIN. if you husband does not have empathy for how his betrayal has affected you then HE WILL NEVER EVER CHANGE. he does not know how.

have you read the 180 list on this site? you must begin by reading it and following it. for your own peace of mind. i am not here to try and tell you how to save your marriage, but instead how to save YOU. YOU are important, do you get that?????? you have allowed him, your children, and family to take over every aspect of your life. you have lost you. you no longer take care of you, but rather focus on everyone elses needs. that is why it is so easy for him to treat you like a piece of cra*. he does not get it. he is too dam* stupid to understand what a jewel he has in you; how lucky he is that you have chosen to be his wife and the mother of his kids.

there is a book by joel osteen called 'your best life now' it is a must read. it has much to do about you, finding you, caring about you and believing in you. now do not think this is a bunch of nonsense because i assure you it is not. think about it who is the one who wrote to this board - YOU//// who is the one whose husband is choosing to treat her with less that respect - YOU///// and YOU ARE THE ONE WHO NEEDS TO TAKE SOME TIME AND EXCAVATE THE YOUNG, BEAUTIFUL, FUN LOVING, FREE, LAUGHING, SMILING, TOGETHER woman you use to be.

read as many posts on this board as possible. there are a few of us who have been around awhile. most, much wiser than me that offer such great advice.

i would suggest that you begin walking, getting out in the fresh air. drink green tea, it is good for you and helps flush out all of the guck. i firmly believe that stress causes stuff to clog up our insides which makes us depressed.

regarding your children - i have raised 10. and i am living proof that the life you live does affect your children. but here is the thing, it only gets worse as they get older. and what you will be left with is a life of one problem after another. our children can read us, they can tell our mood, they can tell if we are fighting - and if there is stress in the home, if they hear you arguing or possible talking of breaking up they take that burden on themselves. YOU need to decide what is best for you and then begin to live your life. if you are happy your children will see it and they will feel secure in their life, it will take the stress off of them. now the 10 i raised well i was the one who did it all - i mean it all. my 3 step children were 17, 11, and 10 when we married so my interactions with them was somewhat limited; but i will tell you this from the day we married the kids were all on me so i know the struggle of being married to a man who puts HIS LIFE before his kids. mine never had the time, he was a nice dad - but totally uninvolved in everything. never went to games, never interacted with them much. thru most of our marriage during his trists, i was able to deal with it. we rarely fought YET it was never staring at me in the face, i buried it under everything i had to do TAKING CARE OF EVERYONE BUT ME. BUT, when our baby girl was 16, that is when it all came out. and quite frankly i was not able to keep it together. we fought constantly, horrible, horrible, fights. he beat the crap out of me a few times - one in particular he beat me so bad that i looked like i had been run over by a truck (but only where you could not see). i am telling you this to give you a view of what children have to deal with when their parents argue. and i know it is hard to protect them. during this time even though my daughter was 16 she had a near melt down. THOSE WERE THE DARKEST DAYS OF MY LIFE. living with the pain of what we put her thru is not something i am proud of. that is why you must decide what you want to do and then do it and do it to the best of your ability. your children love you and deserve a happy, content, loving mom. but remember the loving comes from loving yourself first.

i want you to do something, i want you to get up and go look in the mirror. look at the woman staring back at you - DO YOU KNOW HER???? DO YOU LOVE HER??????? well if the answer to even one of these questions is no or i dont know then you need to begin the process of healing right now. look at her and tell her she is important. tell her she is worth loving, i mean the kind of love we all dream of, tell her you are going to begin to take care of her starting today, tell her you love her. then smile and feel that smile down deep in your soul.

today is the first day of your life, remember that - this is no dress rehearsal - we only go around one time.

we are here if you need us.

w
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2009
In reply to: crawwilk1
Thu, 07-16-2009 - 3:56pm

Wow!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
In reply to: crawwilk1
Thu, 07-16-2009 - 5:26pm

Communication is key in this situation, and is one of the hardest things.

"If something cannot go on forever, it will stop."  Herb Stein

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2009
In reply to: crawwilk1
Fri, 07-17-2009 - 1:10pm

I am more confused than ever.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
In reply to: crawwilk1
Fri, 07-17-2009 - 5:45pm

You're only confused because he isn't making sense.

"If something cannot go on forever, it will stop."  Herb Stein

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2008
In reply to: crawwilk1
Fri, 07-17-2009 - 5:45pm

my situation is somewhat familiar to you. I found out that my husband was posting on the internet saying that he was a married professional looking to have discrete relationships with women and he even had sex with other women. when I confronted him he said that he was sorry and he wont do it again and wanted to be a good husband but I just have the feeling in my gut that I cannot trust him. he is a good dad very involved with the kids the kids are happy but I feel very betrayed and feel that I can never trust him again. He can pretend to be a good husband and continue his trysts without me

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
In reply to: crawwilk1
Sat, 07-18-2009 - 12:41am

yes, i am still married.

i am not a good example of what one should do when faced with living with someone who is a serial cheater.

you know my life, as i have lived it, well let us just say i have made many many mistakes. all of the involving staying and not valuing myself enough to take charge and do whatever i needed to do to find the peace and happiness i deserve.

i used my kids as my excuse. i needed to stay together for the sake of my kids. that was bs, i did not need to stay with him for them. hel* if the truth be known his input into raising our kids was virtually null and void. no, he was into HIS life, and what made HIM happy. i was simply afraid, i had lost my self worth, i had no self esteem. and i loved him. what a bunch of nonsense.

how do you love a man who habitually looks for women to bed? how do you love a man who talks about you to the women he is using for sex? how do you love a man who looks at you dead in the eye and lies? EXCUSES, all of my reasons were excuses.

as i look back now i realize how bad it was for me to allow myself to wallow in a valley of deep depression.

the thought of him doing what he was doing to perfect strangers actually made me loose my mind for awhile. he on top of everything else was going to massage parlors. getting his jollys off while young women, some younger than our grown daughters rubbed on him. sick, sick, sick.

men like your husband and mine will continue to do it as long as they can. your husband probably believes he has you somewhat trapped. i mean from his perspective he is probably thinking "what is she going to do leave, yeh right"! so they continue. mine knew i loved him, knew i did not want to break up our family with a divorce so he continued.

have you read the 180*? if not i would highly encourage you to do so, if nothing else it will make you feel better and stronger - you need to get your power back ANY WAY YOU CAN.

think about this, we only go around one time in this life. this is no dress rehearsal. you are your childrens mentor. you are teaching them how they should expect to be treated by a man, or how they should treat a woman - depending on the sex of your children.

my youngest was 16 when my life was turned upside down. she could tell something was wrong and then one day she overheard everything. it changed her, that is not an exagerated statement it changed her. her view of me, her view of her father, her view of men. it was a very difficult time in her life. and i am most saddened by the pain my h and i caused her. she did nothing to deserve it.

you must show yourself and your children the value of self love. you must draw a line in the sand and be prepared to defend that line. let him know no more bullshi**ing about the issue. be very matter of fact of what you will no longer tolerate; remember marriage is suppose to be a partnership not a dictatorship.

let him know if he wants to troll the internet for whor*s he can do that from his small apartment while he pays you child support.

a while back there was a young woman such as yourself. no education, no job, she felt trapped. her husband was seeing other women, meeting them on the internet. after a few months of posting she began to email me; i encouraged her to begin to love herself. she stopped emailing me and then one day there it was an email from her. she told me she was living in a small one bedroom with 2 small children but SHE WAS HAPPY AND SHE WAS AT PEACE. she was collecting child support and going to school, she was getting aid from the government in the form of child care and food stamps. she said eventhough she did not have much her future looked bright.

she saw great opportunities ahead of her. she had sought out a good church and was beginning to turn things around. her husband had begged and begged for her to come back, but to no avail. she told him after being free of him and what he was doing she could never ever take that chance with him again.

i shared this with you to give you hope and also to hopefully inspire you to dig down deep and find the strength that is there - strength that will help you do whatever you decide you need to do.

do you love you? do you think you are worthy of happiness? do you believe you deserve to have peace in your life? WELL I DO