stay or go?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2006
stay or go?
5
Mon, 05-10-2010 - 8:24pm

very long story short. I recently found a drivers licence in the wash.after husband was supposively out of town on business. Went into investigation mode .. found

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 11:57am

moonstruck

I would have an extremely hard time holding all this in, probably would not be able to look him in the eye knowing he's been having multiple affairs. The scariest part is that you don't know whether he's been using condoms with these women or not. Thank God you have not picked anything up YET. He is leading a double life and it sounds like he has a sex addiction to me. I would think that he is probably concerned that all of this will eventually come out, just being a matter of when. I think you will eventually need to present the evidence to him, but only after you have presented all this to a lawyer and have your ducks in a row. He will probably try to talk his way out of all of it when you confront him. It would be better if you could somehow get him to come to you and say he has a problem. I haven't read all your post, but have you talked to a counselor about all of this as to what would be the best way to handle this? I understand that you want the best for the kids, BUT
how much longer can you hold this in and keep your sanity intact.
What I would do is maybe go to him and look him in the eyes and say "that I've been feeling that something has been very off for a long time now in this marriage" or something like that, without directly telling him of what you now know. Maybe he has been feeling guilty or trapped within himself by holding all this inside. I have read that addicts often times feel very guilty and ashamed of their addictions (particularly porn and sex addicts) So maybe he is feeling guilty and ashamed and wants to get this out. Unless he is truly a narcissist or in total denial, he may break down and spill the truth. It's worth a try to get him to confess first.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 11:24am

wow thats a tough one. HUGS to you and what your going through. It looks like you already have your answer. You have done your homework and talked to the right people. Now its just following through with it. Its hard. And your will wonder if you are doing the right thing. You need to think about what you want now. Whats going to make you happy.

Good Luck and let us know how it goes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 8:39am

Hugs moonstruck,

Don't believe a word your H is telling you. It sounds from your post that your H has been having A's for quite some time. NO ONE deserves to live like this--always looking behind your back waiting for the other shoe to drop. As the other poster said it is because of you that your children are successful! Don't kid yourself, your kids probably see and know more than you realize. I am sure they see that you are lonely. Show them a strong mother, someone who doesn't put up with this abuse! You want them to mirror a strong person who doesn't take abuse from the one who is supposed to love them and be their partner in marriage.

I'm glad you have seen an attorney and a counselor. Now you know where you stand legally. Now you just have to get past your fear and lay it on the line for your H. You will be happy again and you are right you do deserve better!! Either he steps up to the plate or you move forward without him.

As far as your H fixing himself and his own issues, you have no control over that. If you let go of trying to fix him and focus all of your attention on helping yourself and your children create happy lives you will be so much better off. Your H may never 'get' it. Mine never did. I am about 3 years post separation and D and my exh still doesn't 'get' it. It doesn't matter anymore to me--he is slipping into the past. I have chosen instead to move through the fear and recreate my life and I am happy. I am not saying it was/is easy to separate and D, the process is extremely difficult and financially challenging but I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. This light would have been non-existant if I stayed with a cheating H.

Hang in there and stay strong,
Ollie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2006
Mon, 05-10-2010 - 8:50pm
Thank you.. I did need to hear that... been trying to tell myself that...but his malipulation ,blame game and false sincerety clouds my judgement. Gathering my strength and every bit of support helps.. I appreciate yours and wish you the best !
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2007
Mon, 05-10-2010 - 8:30pm
i think that answer needs to come from you... can you live like this?? i imagine the answer is NO! - its hard to play detective all the time, and tiring.... and truthfully not a way to live!! you say your kids are successful