STBX is pretty shady

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2008
STBX is pretty shady
Mon, 08-03-2009 - 6:03pm

I posted on the board before about being suspicious that my husband had cheated while out of town this past february... Well, I found out some even worse things that have been going on. I left him about 2 months ago, he was put in jail, released on 6/12 (he was physically abusive once, and that was it for me). I found out that four days later (I had been moved out and everything), he got some girls number that works at a laundromat of all places!!!!! I went through all the texts (he ran to the store when I went to visit my dogs at our old house the other day) and most of them were just asking how he was doing, him asking her questions, him flattering her. She seems very young. He already has a picture of her on his phone, but it was tiny and I couldn't see what she looks like. I am not jealous, I am mainly shocked!

He goes and does laundry twice a week to see her. I am positive they haven't been out on a date but one of the messages was him asking her "when can i take you out?". She replied "this weekend", which was this past weekend when I went to see my dogs. The worst part is, she isn't the only one. There is also one other girl i am aware of, who totally blew him off in the last bout of texts, but I have a feeling their relationship was sexual and lasted maybe 2 weeks. I barely left him 2 months ago and he is already scoping girls out a laundromats and god knows where else????? To make this worse, I found another girls phone number in there, that he hadn't called yet.

He is so sleazy! I never knew he would resort to this, and 4 days after he gets out of jail at that. I have no plans of getting back together with him, but who does this??? My best friend is a guy and he told me, guys deal with the ending of relationships much differently. He said, he is obviously lonely and trying to fill the void that you left. I'm positive this must've been how he dealt with his last serious relationship ending. I found out through a mutual friend that he has had a ridiculous amount of one night stands and flings that I wasn't aware of... long before him and I got together.

I am almost relieved that I saw his true character when it comes to women. For some reason I think girls need to know to be careful. He is so charming in all these texts to these girls. He comes on way too strong though. I looked through his phone to give myself piece of mind and wasn't expecting there to be more than one girl. I moved out and assumed he was not seeing anyone else and didn't want to date, but this totally proves otherwise. Wouldn't it be in his best interest to tell me, his stbxw, that he is dating someone else? What is he gaining from hiding this? I'm assuming it has to do with control. From what i gathered in most of the texts, he seemed to be pursuing her however, she did ask, "when are you coming to do laundry again?" and "how are you?". It seems so juvenile and trashy to meet someone at a laundromat. He knows he can't possibly be with anyone like me again... I am going to be a school teacher, and am a professional.

He seems so desperate to find someone so he isn't lonely. I feel as though he is living in some ridiculous fantasy world, that he thinks he will just magically replace me. He is an alcoholic, he is emotionally abusive, and has no concept of what a real relationship is other than sex and lust. I don't get it!

Opinions or thoughts, if anyone knows what I'm going through?

Edited 8/3/2009 6:07 pm ET by i_amity
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2006
Wed, 08-05-2009 - 12:39pm

(((HUGS))) I know it's upsetting that he's moving on like this so soon after you left him, but he cheated on you and


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 08-06-2009 - 2:38pm

My H is a bit like this and he didn't realize it until after his EA. Before the EA, DH was going through a bit of a mid-life crisis. I won't recount the whole thing here because it would be a looonng post. During his crisi, he made our home a miserable place to be. He used this as an excuse to pull away from me, and question whether he wanted to be M or not. Then, "Oh, look, here is OW who has been hanging on my every word for almost two years and letting me know that she wants something more. Well, since my M and life are miserable, lets see what she has to offer." Convenient. I didn't know that this was a long established pattern for him.

In the aftermath, I found out about how he was a dog before getting M, a couple of EAs he had when he was first M, and about some Rs he had during a separation from his first W. As we looked at these Rs, we began to see a pattern. The pattern was that as soon as it even looked like an R was going to end, he had a couple of girls in the bull-pen. He needed a woman in his life at all times. He was never alone with the exception of the 4 months between when his xW left him and he met me. The only reason he was alone then was because she left him unexpectedly, he had just moved across the country, so he had no one in the bull-pen just in case and he didn't know anyone here.

The other pattern we saw was that the way he distracted himself from difficult issues he felt powerless to change was through creating the potential of a romantic R with someone, an EA by any other name. These Rs made him feel good and gave him hope.

This epiphany on his part plus several discussions about the difference between men's and women's perceptions about the mating ritual from flirting to after sex has given him a totally different outlook on Rs. He doesn't flirt with anyone but me anymore and he has found better ways of dealing with his issues.

I don't think your H is sleazy, he is just a guy who doesn't appreciate that women take things a lot more seriously than he does, doesn't understand himself, and he is probably pretty lonely. Since he had an A, you know that the way he distracts himself is through one or several new and exciting Rs.

Since he is your STBX, none of this is your business anyway. I know it is hard not to snoop, not to interfere, and not to make it your business. But, just don't anymore. If you want peace of mind, then step out of the dance. These girls he is flirting with are grown ups with their own lessons to learn, let them learn them on their own. Don't ask your mutual friends about him, and do not snoop in his cell phone anymore. It is time to let him go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2008
Thu, 08-06-2009 - 3:27pm
thank you for your story. i am very positive that my stbx is starting these romantic encounters to distract himself from his real issues (alcoholism, and the ptsd from war, anxiety). he does live alone now as well. i think it does have an element of excitement for him. he told me once that, "looking at porn behind your back was exciting for me". that might also apply to cheating as well. the fantasy part of it is what he enjoys. i'm sure he knows he can't be emotionally attached in these new relationships. i know he isn't looking to have a bf/gf type relationship, only short flings and flirting. he was also abusive, so i know in a way starting a new fling gives him some kind of control in his life. he loves laying on all the charm and then once he gets what he wants, you are disposable and a burden. i know i shouldn't have snooped, but i seriously HAD to know. he was putting on such a nice guy act and i knew it wasn't real. i am just really sad for these girls (yes they are girls not women, they are young), that are falling for his act. he did this to me at first in our relationship, and then the ugly side came out (i should say the real side). in the past week it has been pretty easy for me to accept, actually, and realize that this is truly who he is.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2009
Fri, 08-07-2009 - 1:46pm
And perhaps it's more fun for him to keep it from you, just like it was with the porn, even though you're soon to be exes. (to guess a possible answer to your question about why he wouldn't just tell you he's "dating")
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2008
Fri, 08-07-2009 - 6:27pm
good point. he acts like a child playing a game. i can see how it would be fun for him but also that gives him a one up on me (in his mind) since he thinks i don't know. oh well. it isn't my business anymore. its his life. just glad i saw more true colors of someone who told me i was the love of his life and he never wanted to be with anyone else. BS.