Still Raw

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2014
Still Raw
Tue, 08-05-2014 - 11:23pm

Hi Everyone-

I thought I would share an udate. I finally met with my husband last week. He confessed that he had an affair while he was still in Iowa but insisted that this currect one really had only lasted two weeks (it didn't occur to me to ask the current status). I think the second affair is just a natural end result of not dealing with the first one and strangely I'm not that concerned - I can't believe it will last under these stressful circumstances. When I read about how men deal with the guilt of a secret affair, his behavior all this time has actually pretty textbook - emotional distance, irritablility, depression and hostility towards me. He is not living with the current girlfriend and is planning on getting an apartment in between where we live and where he works. I'm still in the dark about whatever it was that caused him to snap so suddenly

When we spoke, he talked to me in his "cop voice" and just answered questions as briefly as possible, without initiating any kind of discussion. I said before we broke up our family I wanted to take a 6 month cooling off period during which time we will go to counseling. he said "ok." He said "ok" to everything that I want to do about the house and kids.  I decided to wait a month before we go to counseling - given how out of character and irrational his behavior has been, I thought it was best to give him a little time to reflect and get a taste of divorced life. When we ended the conversation, I asked if he had anything to say to me and he gave a half - shug and said "sorry", which seemed a little inadequate under the circumstances.

We are telling our girls that Daddy has to sleep at wokr for awhile. They are used to his crazy schedule and accpeted this without question. He has come to see them by arrangement, and takes them out to a lake or park. He behaves as though he cannot stand to be in the house for one second longer than he has to.

He has basically cut himself off from his family - he responds to texts from his mother but has not made any effort to reach out to anyone.

I don't know if counseling will help or not - I wonder if the warm, sweet man who worshipped me for the first 8 years of our relationship even still exists.

I am seeing a counselor individually, although the first session was not very helpful. I still can't believe that 2 weeks ago , I was in a stable domestic situation and now I am dealing with this tense and awkward stranger who I share my children with. I know it will get better one way or another but I still wake up every morning and have to take 10 minutes to adjust to the new reality.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
In reply to: raliced
Wed, 08-06-2014 - 9:44am

Your posts are remarkably level and straight to the facts for someone who has been through such a sudden and strange upheaval. His responses seem to disconnected. He really seems to have to checked out completely from your marriage. If not for your suggestions of counseling, he would probably be 100% done with the marriage already. Seems so strange that it happend so quickly and suddenly, with no signs that you could observe that anything was going wrong.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2014
In reply to: raliced
Wed, 08-06-2014 - 10:12am
I agree with the other poster Khatru1 that your H seems very detached given the situation. He also seems to be compliant with what you want so not to cause any drama and have things go as smoothly as possible. You're doing the best you know how. You suggested marriage counseling and you're seeing a counselor on your own which is great because you need that support. I can imagine how this new reality must be for you. Keep your head up and take things one day at a time.