Struggling...."was never going to leave"

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2009
Struggling...."was never going to leave"
23
Wed, 02-18-2009 - 2:19pm

One of the things that I have been struggling with since the visit to my W was that she told my mother and her dad that she never planned on leaving the family. WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My kids were out of the room at the time and she looked at both of them and said she never thought she would get caught and she would not give up her family!!!!!!!!!!!! She had no intention of ever leaving. She had a great life, loving husband and kids, good job, respected in the community.


Her dad

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2006
I think it just goes to show you that sometimes they really do think they can get away with anything. (((HUGS))


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2009

I felt exactly the same way.

 


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003

Classic. DH told me that he "never intended to leave me" several times. Once, I asked him if he thought that made me feel better. The last time he said it, I told him that I still didn't know if I wanted to stay. He told me that it never occurred to him that I might be the one leaving. After all, he was in control, he was sure his lies would cover his trail, and he was the one with one foot out the door. I was lucky to have him. Now he realizes how lucky he is to have me and behaves accordingly.

Many MM/Ws fail to allow themselves to consider the very real potential consequences on their As. They believe they are in complete control of the situation. Stupid fools.

How did your girls handle the visit?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Mine said that, too.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003

Actually, it sounds like he was causing a big drama so later he could justify his EA going PA. "Myra, I thought our M was over so I was just moving on....!!" If I had a dime for every MM who used that excuse, I would be in Tahiti with my own pool boy right now. The drama is usually caused entirely by them. DH did this a couple of times, too, only he didn't threaten to leave, he only caused a big ruckus and made everyone miserable so that he could say "I was in my office so much because home didn't feel like home was home anymore and our R wasn't so good, so......" How convenient that it was so much easier to contact her from his office.

Yeah, I prefer brutal honesty because of my manipulative mom, too. DH is way too sensitive for brutal honesty so I often have to tiptoe around and be careful on how I approach him on certain things. I am not good at that, so he has worked on not being so sensitive.

Yes, we are supposed to treat our spouses well. What bothered me most about his EA was that he was so concerned for her emotional state that even a year after NC when she dropped by his office, he was careful not to hurt her feelings even though he knew how he handled it would hurt mine. But, "You come off so strong that I forget how fragile you are." Yeah, that justifies it. I don't think he realized he was doing it until then and that it was wrong. The other thing he did was buy her flowers "just because she was having a bad day". He has never done that for me, ever. Flowers at work for any reason is a pretty special thing. He never did anything that special for me. Normally the man is very smart, but when it came to xOW, he was dumb as a cow.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2009

Thanks..what galls me the most is that she thinks she was the only one that could make a decision to end the marriage...


Jack...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2009

One of things that you mention is the flowers. I always sent my W flowers on different holidays. Sometimes I would find a really obtuse holiday and sent flowers...


Jack...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2006
Thu, 02-19-2009 - 10:41am

My ex thought he had that power over me, too, that if he didn't end it, it wouldn't ever end. I think perhaps it goes along with their thinking they'll never get caught.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 02-19-2009 - 11:03am
Your wife's statements just show how selfish an affair is - she really thinks she could have it all and not worry about anything but what she wants.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Thu, 02-19-2009 - 12:25pm

I'm sure that was a huge part of it - he has said he would never have an affair, that he "wouldn't do that to me".

 

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