Suspect H Had Affair With Co-Worker

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2009
Suspect H Had Affair With Co-Worker
Tue, 09-18-2012 - 3:58pm

Would love to know what others think about this. 

My husband became very friendly with one of his female co-workers. She sent him an email once saying: "I just want to be left alone." (I think he had written that to her and the email I saw was her reply). Then the body of the email she said, "I tried to reach you but missed you."

I decided to throw my husband's company a holiday party. (He is gruff and rude to many of his employees and I thought it would help his relationships at work for others to see he has a lovely wife (me), two beautiful sons and a lovely house. 

I had arranged to have the dinner catered. Then, DH calls and says "Sally (the co-worker in question) does not want to do that. She said it was not necessary. Sally said she would help you make the meal and prepare everything."

So, a couple of days later, I called Sally (whom I have known fairly well in our neighborhood for over 15 years. I even once leant her my favorite, very personal book to read). The conversation went like this:

"Hi Sally, Marc says you can help me with the company holiday party."

SHE: "I said no so thing and will not help."

ME: "Um, OK, sorry about that.. Marc is unable to give me the company email list (why I don't know) and said you could send that to me. 

SHE: "I can do no such thing."

ME: "Well, thanks Sally, I'll talk to you later."

I hung up the phone and immediately called my husband. 10 seconds into our call, his second line rang. 

ME: "That's going to be Sally."

He put me on hold and came back on the line a mintue or two later. Indeed it was Sally on the other line.  I asked him if Sally had said something about our strange conversation. He said, "She didn't say a word." Well, i asked, "Did you say anyting to her about her strange and rude behavior to me." "No, I did not," he replied. 

I went ahead and threw the party and spent the entire evening in the kitchen trying to nurse back a pork loin that was not cooking very well.

Sally and my husband spent the entire evening together, in close conversation.

When it came time for my husband to give a little speech, I noticed that Sally was not looking at my husband but instead stroking my dog the entire time. I thought this was strange body language.

(For the next year's party, Sally thru it and had passed appetizers and three cooks in her kitchen!)

Fast foward a couple of years: every time I see this woman, she gives me a dirty look and turns away in a huff. I most recently saw her at an event for my husband's work and she actually SNEERED at me when I tried to say hello. 

At one point, she resigned from my husband's company (around the time I expect something happened). My husband still to this day denies that she ever resigned, even though i clearly saw her email telling him of her resignation. (She later rejoined the company--or perhaps she never left, I am not sure).

The book I loaned Sally was about 10 years ago. One day a couple of years ago, my husband pulls it out of the trunk of his car and said, "Your friend Sally wanted me to return this to you." (I have not spoken to her in many years, except thru encounters with my husband's company."

Who remembers who loaned them a book 10 years ago? Why didn't she return it to me herself? 

Also, I heard him whispering to her on the phone once whiile at his office. I have asked him about this and all he says is he probably had something to tell her that he didn't want me to hear. Duh. 

Finally, when I am with him in his office and Sally calls, he lies to her and tells her I am someone else. 

Does anyone think any of this is strange? 



iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2012
Sun, 09-30-2012 - 11:45pm
Her behavior should be a red flag. I couldn't understand why whenever I went to my H office, his "friend" and coworker who worked in the cube across the way, barely talk to me and would find some reason to leave the area. I figured if I had a friend at work I would be happy to meet their spouse. Turns out the reason she was uncomfortable around me was because she had a crush on my H and eventully had an A. Your gut it probably right. I don't know what your situation is or what your options are, but Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2002
Sat, 09-22-2012 - 3:05am

I find it incredibly strange that any decent husband would allow another woman treat you in that disrespectful manner.  It could be because she is incredibly jealous of you and wants to be the one and only in your husbands eyes (think fatal attraction here).  Another possiblity is she is so relevant to the company that he must placate her.  And then, of course, is the notion that they are carrying on a long term affair.  If you can rule out the first two, then you must play detective.  Especially for your own mental health.  To stop a lifetime of questioning.  Peruse this site and others for ways to monitor your spouse's activity. Knowledge is power.  


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-1999
Wed, 09-19-2012 - 6:46pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2009
Wed, 09-19-2012 - 11:00am

I don't think DH told her something nasty about me. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2009
Wed, 09-19-2012 - 10:59am

My friends that know Sally do indeed think she is werid. Still, she was always very nice to me throughout the time I've known her (15 or more years). 

I have discussed this with my therapist and indeed she thinks something happened here. 

Thanks for your post. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 09-19-2012 - 12:32am
Some of it sounds suspicious. I mean whispering to her on the phone whilst you're there and then saying "he probably didn't want you to hear what he's saying to her" DUH.. yeah that does sound kinda suspicious. Unless maybe they were planning you a surprise party or talking about a client or private business deal, why would he have to whisper in front of you? Is he in a line of work where he has to keep patient/client confidentiality that he could only discuss the facts with an employee working on the case with him? Even more suspicious is why he wants to hide the fact that you are at his office when she calls him there. Why would he have to lie about /hide that? Are you not suppose to be there for some reason? Did you ever ask him why he hides the fact that you are there when she calls? And why would he hide the fact that she resigned from the company when you clearly saw an e mail from her telling him that she did? Add that to her giving you dirty looks, sneering at and turning away in a huff whenever she sees you, yeah something is just not right here. He seems to be hiding an awful lot of things concerning her from you, and why does she have this nasty attitude towards you? Personally I think there's a good chance that something is/was going on between them. Problem is you don't have any concrete proof to confront him with. Do you have access to his work e mail?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 09-18-2012 - 11:01pm

I think this is very weird behavior to say the least but I don't know about the affair.  One thing that I wonder about just from reading people's stories on here is that I'd think normally the woman who is the AP is trying to keep the wife from knowing about the affair so tries to act normal & nice so they won't be found out, so it seems odd that this woman is very rude to you.  Do you think your DH could have spread some kind of lie about you to her so that's why she is rude to you?  After all you say that he is a liar, like telling Sally that you don't like her or something like that?

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Tue, 09-18-2012 - 7:53pm

...if it looks like a duck.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2009
Tue, 09-18-2012 - 7:31pm

I don't know for sure. As i said, i suspect it mostly because the way she treats me and all the other things I wrote. 

He swears that nothing ever happened between them, but he is also a frequent liar or truth bender. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Tue, 09-18-2012 - 6:50pm you KNOW he is having an affair OR he already did with this question to you is why don't you file for a divorce now...take him for half of what he's got...yes I know that it will not  make the hurt go away BUT ask yourself this you want to save the marriage after knowing all of this....?do you think he would want towork on saving the relationship?

I feel for you...I know you love him or else why are you still putting up with this?Also you knew he had cheated on his 1st the saying goes 'once a cheater always a cheater'