Suspicion and denial

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2012
Suspicion and denial
Tue, 11-06-2012 - 3:37pm

I have been through this before.  The pieces that stick out as unusual, however big or small.  Things that don't add up or make sense.  And intuition screaming with alarms flashing.  When I went thru this before I consulted a PI whose fees I could not afford but he did give me some very sound advice.   He had been in his profession for many years and dealt with many, many cases.   His clients were mostly female and he said in all his years and cases he had never found a situation where a woman's intuition was not correct, at least in some measure.  "God's gift to women isn't Brad Pitt, it's her intuition" he firmly stated.  "NEVER fail to trust your intuition".

My alarm bells are warning me again. I am beyond crushed and shattered into a barely functioning mass.  Of course I am getting denial.  Politely offended denial at first with the standard response that is a warning in itself; "I wouldn't have time".   Now more heated denial.

It's so degrading and defeating.    If someone cheats, so be it.   It's incredibly shallow and self-serving to lie about it and try to deflect the blame back on the spouse as irrational.

* Edited to clarify I am long divorced from the first situation.   After a long and solid loving courtship I married again.  I am no longer a size 3 which I suspect is the biggest reason for his roving eye.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2010
Tue, 11-13-2012 - 9:59am

Do what you can to find the truth. You might have to be a detective for a while. I installed spyware on his phone and also had a little device in his car. Affairs hurt so much. Sorry u r going through this. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Thu, 11-08-2012 - 10:20am
(((Amethyst1012)) My exh denied, denied, denied until I gave him proof. Then it became my "fault". It is a very common thing that the WS denies and then blames the BS. You are not crazy, listen to your inner voice. I divorced my exh because he never 'got' it and had no empathy for my feelings. I do know that I learned from the experience and so did you. You know better how to spot it and that you are very strong because you lived through it. Don't let your H try to pull the wool over your eyes or make you feel crazy. If he does have empathy and love for you, your size should be irrelevant. He should be concerned about your sadness and fears and do everything in his power to make you feel better and show you he is faithful-----because he LOVES you and has EMPATHY for your feelings as his wife and life partner. Except no less! Take care of yourself, Ollie
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2007
Wed, 11-07-2012 - 9:48pm

I ignored my intuition and suspicions...had I acted on them in the beginning things may not have gotten as far as they did, or maybe not.  Either way I kept rationalizing my H has not cheated before and all the signs were there.  Hindsight is always 20/20 but intuition or gut need to look into it.  You can't ignore it at this point anyway.  If you feel he is being dishonest, then look at cell phone records, emails, facebook or whatever you need is your right as a wife to either put your mind at ease that it really is nothing or maybe you will intervene in something before its too late.  I wish I had.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Tue, 11-06-2012 - 4:06pm

Couldn't agree more - never ignore your intuition.  You're on guard, bells are going off, and although there is always the chance you're wrong, you still don't ignore that intuition.  So he's flat out denying?  What he said "I wouldn't have time", that's lame - it is NOT AN ANSWER.  I think that's the type of reply you get when they realize they cannot honestly say "no, I am NOT cheating again".  Has he done that?  But honesty is the bottom line, trust has been damaged and we are forever suspicious.  You no longer being a size 3 has nothing to do with it, if somebody wants to cheat, they'll just cheat.  It's not about you in any way, not about your relationship, either - cheating is about the cheater, period, they need help to make a better choice to fix what's ailing them, but instead they CHOOSE cheating.  What specifically are you picking up on?