Thinking of trying it with him again...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2011
Thinking of trying it with him again...
Sun, 05-27-2012 - 4:43am

So I was just wondering if I could get some advice/insight from those who have been there (or have any input). :smileyhappy: 

Main background to know....

-been dating this man for 4 years

-started dating when he was 20, I was 24. He's now 24, I'm 28. He was in college throughout the entire time (which definitely caused some issues/differences in interests). 

-at around year two, we broke up and the next day he slept with someone (picked up at the bar)

-we got back together

-year 3.5, he broke up with me before leaving to work away for the summer, about a week later I went out with a male friend (not a date on intention), he found out and said he wasn't sure he wanted to break up. So we were quasi back together...kind of uncertain

-summer did not progress well, we talked on the phone and it wasn't ever good; I went to see him once and again, not very good. 

-end of summer I ended things with him. About a week later, I did get more physically intimate (no sex) with the guy from earlier. We had continued seeing each other up unti lthen but on a strictly friends basis - I made it clear to him I wasn't sure what my status was...he respected it

-ex came back and actually came to my window to 'check up on me' after I wasn't picking up my phone...saw the other guy in my place, passed him in the hall and then banged on my door (quite the scene from a movie). We talked through it and he kept saying how over the summer he realized what he had lost, wanted to try it again, loved me, etc. I agreed. 

-from then on, the next six months were very very bad. Worst time of my life. I found out he 'confessed' a lie to me...he said he slept with somoene else at the end of summer when we broke up as it was weighing on his conscious, but the truth was it was at the beginning when we were still together

-he said very hurtful things about me and our sex life (intimate stuff...)

-finally at the end of December I ended things for good


We have been separated since then but he has not given up. Kept trying to contact me, kept wanting to see me...I did ignore him for a while, but eventually would give in and talk to him. I do love many things about him, but at this point, I Just don't know if I can forgive. 


My mind keeps saying, 'what if it happens again in the future'....and so on. Plus, I find that my physical desire for him has really declined. I't's weird, I can look at him and still think he's very attractive, but my desire to kiss him, much lower. 

We've seen each other a few times but I've made it clear we are not back together and I'm not at the point of being ready to try again. 


Last week I was at his house and while I was in the bathroom, he took my phone out of my purse and then he went into another bathroom and started looking all through it, trying to find out if I was seeing another guy. He kept questioning me and while I have been hanging out with guys as friends, they are just friends. I've made it clear to them I'm in no place for a relationship (with him still on my mind...). 


Anyway, I found out my phone was lost, and he lied straight through his teeth claiming he didn't have it. Then magically it appeared a while later when he was helping me go through my purse.  The next day he confessed to me again he took it (but claims he didn't read through it). 


So I just don't know what to do. Today we went out and had a really amazing time together. He was treating me so well, telling me he's changed, learned his lessons, and this will be how he treats me forever. We did discuss marriage way back before the breakup this last winter, and he's still saying, more than ever, I'm the one he wants to marry (if we tried again and things, worked, obviously). 


Could this work? Or are these huge red flags I should just be walking away from? 


I feel torn. Part of me still cares for him, is attracted to him, has fun with him, etc....but another part me gets extremely nausous at the thought of trying yet again and in another year, finding out he's cheating or lying yet again.